Trying to help primary caregiver

AviezerS

Personal status: secondary caregiver; grandson

(Edited for accuracy: Grandpa in hospital on ventilator and ng tube, Grandma watching over him; I visit sometimes)

What's something primary caregivers wish a family member/other caregiver had done for you and/or the patient? I visit occasionally and sometimes bring stuff from their house to the hospital. Grandma's staying at the hospital with him, sometimes overnight.

Palmetto Peg

Does your Grampa have dementia? Why is he intubated? His age and other conditions would help us give you some suggestions. Hugs - this is so hard!

Maru

Look aaround your Grandmother's home. What needs to be taken care of…dripping faucet, laundry, cleaning, lawn mowed, overgrown shrubs trimmed. Can you provide a good meal for your grandmother for when she takes a break and goes home? If she has been your grandfather's caretaker, that means that she is also the primary ( and probably the ONLY caretaker for everything in and outside the house, so she does everything). Anything that you can do at the house that needs to be done will be a blessing to her…and tell her what you have done as she may be too overwhelmed to even notice.

Sorry that you find yourself in this sad place.

AviezerS

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/257980#Comment_257980

edited: sorry, right- uh… Alzheimers, congestive heart Failure, Afib, Angina, pneumonia… he's not getting out of the hospital anytime soon basically

AviezerS

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https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/257983#Comment_257983

hmmm…. I can clean up the various rooms, but she is very insistent on being the one to cook. Even if I ordered food she'd insist on paying me back. Unsure how she'd feel about me doing the laundry.

I'm kinda limited because she doesn't like accepting charity and views me as her little grandson (I'm 22)

SDianeL

they are lucky to have you for a grandson. I would ask your Grandma what you can do to help her. Let her know you will do anything she needs. Meet her at the hospital if you can and take her to lunch or coffee to get away and just talk. She may have to make the heartbreaking decision to remove the intubation and will need someone to talk to. Is hospice on board? If not she could request it. Hospice has counselors and clergy for the family. So sorry you are going through this.

PlentyQuiet

Hospitals are noisy, cold, low humidity, and boring! What about making sure there is a way for her to play music (bluetooth speaker or cd player?) warm shawl or wrap, chapstick or hand lotion, and maybe books or magazines? Really soft Kleenex!

I've also found that ICU families tend to form a bit of a community in the waiting rooms. Maybe ask her if she would like to do something nioce for the others that you can facilitate but give her credit for? Bring in some bakery cookies or a selection of used books to be shared? Your grandma has no control of anything right now and would maybe really enjoy feeling like she can be of use, or bring happiness, to others.

Maru

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/258017#Comment_258017

She sounds just like me…and, I know that I have said the same things to my LO. If she won't let you do anything for her, just be there with her.

H1235

Maybe if you tell her you feel helpless and you really need to do something. Tell her it would make you feel better. Then give her a list of some things you were thinking might help and ask if she would be comfortable with you taking on any of these tasks. I assume she is older and our generation tends to have more gender defined household chores. She might be more willing to have you do things your grandpa would have normally done ( mow the lawn, clean out the gutters, …)and maybe hasn’t done in a while. I wouldn’t totally give up offering. She may eventually decide she needs help and she should know the offer still stands. As others suggested, taking her out to eat or bring her a bag of snacks might also be good. You are a good grandson!

ARIL

It is great that you are asking! And no, I wouldn’t give up.

If I were sitting with a LO in the hospital, I am not sure I’d have much bandwidth for discussions of household chores or household needs. But I would really be grateful if a loving family member just did some of that work so I would have a better place to come home to.

When I was sitting with my parent WD in a hospital this summer (I am in your parents’ generation), I would have found it very helpful if a friend or relative had offered to relieve me for a few hours while I got a meal, or went home for a little rest.

You are doing well in this hard time. As others mentioned, there are some very difficult things coming. This will be a time for you to provide support and love and to demonstrate the care of the adult that you are.

AviezerS

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/258084#Comment_258084

They live in an apartment so it's more indoor chores- and my grandpa didn't really do any of them. At least not in recent memory. I'll ask her what she's comfortable with me doing