Son of an Elderly Father with Alzheimers

mo77

Hi,

My father was diagnosed with alzheimers in August of 2025. Its been really rough mentally and emotionally. It's hard to watch my mom struggle with my dad. It sucks that the Dad that I known and love is no longer the person I know.

What have you done to cope with this change in your life?

TrumpetSwan

Hello mo77. I have been in a similar position except it is my mom with ALZ and an elderly dad caring for her for approximately ten years until he passed last year. It is hard to watch as they both struggle. Yes, it sucks. A lot.

Just a side comment, I commend you and your family for taking the steps to get a diagnosis of the condition. It means you can more confidently make plans armed with full awareness as the condition runs its course. (My parents refused to get an official diagnosis.)

As far as what I've done to cope, one ongoing component is finding ways to manage my worry and heartbreak. Ideally, I keep a level head and not let emotions take over, but things are rarely ideal. For that, finding support from others on a forum like this who will listen, understand and share thoughts and practical ideas on whatever current issue you are dealing with has been a lifesaver many times.

In my area, there is an in-person ALZ support group that meets each month. I have attended those a few times and again find that people share useful ideas and just lend a listening ear. I believe there is a link on this site to locate one in your area if that is any interest to you.

Others will chime in with feedback too. As the disease runs its course, your parent's needs will change. Yours will too. You will grow, learn and adapt throughout this journey.

As far as how to support your parents, I found that using online delivery for groceries, medications and meals was helpful because it was one less task my dad had to deal with. I created a profile and managed those things remotely. I also hired a house cleaning service who also was willing to throw in a load of laundry and change bedsheets as part of their service. It helped my dad for a while, but then he found it too intrusive and I think he was "too proud" to accept help.

One last thing…if your mom is your dad's primary caregiver and they are living in their own home - perhaps also keep an eye out on your mom's wellbeing too. Look for signs of overwhelm. The last year when my parents were living in their own home is when my dad began showing "obvious" signs of decline himself that I had overlooked and wish I had realized sooner.

Everyone says take care of yourself, but it is true. Do what you can to maintain your own life and keep up with healthy habits physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Prioritize sleep, exercise and nutrition. Take time to lose yourself in a hobby or activity on occasion so you get a mental rest from the stress periodically. Sometimes, just breathe and pace yourself.

Mav2126

I have both parents in a nursing home with dementia. Both are really unable to care for themselves so having them in a nursing home is a life saver. Even with them in the nursing home it is extremely stressful to see them both slowly decline and not be my parents that I knew anymore. That is a special kind of pain we have to live with. The biggest recommendation I would make is get connected with your family. I have a sister and we are both supporting each other through this. Without having her I don't know what I would do. Do you have siblings you can count on or maybe other family members?

SDianeL

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75109/son-of-an-elderly-father-with-alzheimers

welcome. So sorry about your Dad. We cope by learning all we can about the disease and how to care for our loved ones the best we can. It’s a heartbreaking disease. We come here often for info, support or to vent. Find ways to support your Mom. Her mental and physical health depends on it. Hire help for everything you can. Groceries, housekeeping, yard work. Stay with your Dad so she can take a break. Have a Plan B for long term care. Develop it now. Come here often. We understand how you feel.

H1235

I was so busy I often felt like there was really no time to really step back, look at the situation and be sad in the beginning. Unfortunately I have a sibling that usually works against me and has often caused more stress than mom with dementia. Eventually I talked with my doctor about medication for my anxiety. I try to remind myself that I’m only human and I’m going to make mistakes and that’s ok. Learning about dementia and what to expect has help somehow. Without this knowledge I feel like I would be flaying around in the dark. I also find comfort in having a plan and being as prepared as I can. I find it reassuring. If he is living with your mom now and she suddenly has health issues, your stress level is going to be through the roof. If there is a plan B in place it might be a bit easier. So along those lines, do you and your mom have a plan B? Has he and your mom appointed a DPOA? This is very important. If your mom is the full time caregiver I would caution you to keep a very close eye on her. If you’re overwhelmed and stressed it’s probably even more difficult for her. I don’t remember the statistics, but caregivers passing before the pwd (stress, not tending to their own medical needs) is not uncommon at all.