Need Advice How To Overcome Emotions Putting Your Spouse In MC Home

bwanasil

Unfortunately, time has come for me to make a decision on putting my lovely wife of 55 years into MC. I just don’t know how I am going to handle this. Just the thought of it makes me cry especially when I put her to bed or when I am alone. Just feel so guilty. I can’t imagine being alone at home without her…. breaks my heart

White Crane

Dear bwanasil, placing our loved one in memory care is indeed a heartbreaking decision. My husband has been in memory care for two years and it’s still hard at times but you will get through it. It’s OK to cry. We wouldn’t cry if we didn’t love them so much. Come to this forum often. We’re all here with you and here to help you. Sending hugs.

annie51

It’s the hardest decision I ever made, but even as guilty as I felt, deep down I knew I made the right decision. It is stressful and tearful and lonely, and it will take a few weeks for you to begin to feel comfortable with it. But you will get used to this new type of caregiving, where you can go back to being the loving husband who visits and lifts her spirits, and makes sure she’s getting the care she needs. It took my DH a while to get acclimated to the care they needed to do for him, but med adjustments calmed him after a few weeks. I visited every day, observed the compassionate care he was getting, saw him interacting with people (both residents and staff), and felt he was content. At that point I realized that as much as I missed him, it was the right decision for both of us. I will always miss him, but I had been missing his old self for years already. I will add that there is a measure of relief you feel when others are taking on the more challenging aspects of the caregiving and allowing you more time for YOU so you can continue to be there for her. Keep us posted on how you’re doing. Sending hugs!

BPS

I and probably most of us that have had to move someone to memory care felt that guilt you mentioned. Someone probably on this site once said you are not doing this to them you are doing it for them. You can't be awake 24 hours a day, you have physical limitation. There are some that have kept their spouses home until the end and I truly respect them for it but I think they were one accident away from disaster. If you get hurt she won't be able to help you and you won't be able to help her. What happens if you go to the hospital? It is a hard and personal decision but don't let any feeling of guilt stop you because with this disease you are going to needlessly feel guilt about something even if it isn't your fault.

Timmyd

Someone once wrote on this site: Each PWD reaches a point that, where ever they are staying, becomes a memory care facility. It is just a matter of how many people are on staff and how skilled they are. It is hard to run a memory care facility out of your house where you are the staff of 1.

annie51

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/263951#Comment_263951

Wow, this is a great way to think about it. Makes the decision that much clearer.