Need Advice How To Overcome Emotions Putting Your Spouse In MC Home

bwanasil · January 19

Unfortunately, time has come for me to make a decision on putting my lovely wife of 55 years into MC. I just don’t know how I am going to handle this. Just the thought of it makes me cry especially when I put her to bed or when I am alone. Just feel so guilty. I can’t imagine being alone at home without her…. breaks my heart

White Crane · January 19

Dear bwanasil, placing our loved one in memory care is indeed a heartbreaking decision. My husband has been in memory care for two years and it’s still hard at times but you will get through it. It’s OK to cry. We wouldn’t cry if we didn’t love them so much. Come to this forum often. We’re all here with you and here to help you. Sending hugs.

annie51 · January 20

It’s the hardest decision I ever made, but even as guilty as I felt, deep down I knew I made the right decision. It is stressful and tearful and lonely, and it will take a few weeks for you to begin to feel comfortable with it. But you will get used to this new type of caregiving, where you can go back to being the loving husband who visits and lifts her spirits, and makes sure she’s getting the care she needs. It took my DH a while to get acclimated to the care they needed to do for him, but med adjustments calmed him after a few weeks. I visited every day, observed the compassionate care he was getting, saw him interacting with people (both residents and staff), and felt he was content. At that point I realized that as much as I missed him, it was the right decision for both of us. I will always miss him, but I had been missing his old self for years already. I will add that there is a measure of relief you feel when others are taking on the more challenging aspects of the caregiving and allowing you more time for YOU so you can continue to be there for her. Keep us posted on how you’re doing. Sending hugs!

BPS · January 20

I and probably most of us that have had to move someone to memory care felt that guilt you mentioned. Someone probably on this site once said you are not doing this to them you are doing it for them. You can't be awake 24 hours a day, you have physical limitation. There are some that have kept their spouses home until the end and I truly respect them for it but I think they were one accident away from disaster. If you get hurt she won't be able to help you and you won't be able to help her. What happens if you go to the hospital? It is a hard and personal decision but don't let any feeling of guilt stop you because with this disease you are going to needlessly feel guilt about something even if it isn't your fault.

Timmyd · January 20

Someone once wrote on this site: Each PWD reaches a point that, where ever they are staying, becomes a memory care facility. It is just a matter of how many people are on staff and how skilled they are. It is hard to run a memory care facility out of your house where you are the staff of 1.

annie51 · January 20

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/263951#Comment_263951

Wow, this is a great way to think about it. Makes the decision that much clearer.

bwanasil · January 22

Thank you so much for your comments. I know I am not alone makes me feel knowing what I am in for ….

Milo4455 · January 23

We are one week into the post move. I can't help with much advice in curbing the emotions and sharing my emotions would not be helpful. My sis contributed that I need to think with my brain, and not my heart. Right now, it's a constant battle between the two. The only thing I am clinging to is we now have a trained, experienced, caring TEAM for my DH (and myself) navigating this journey forward and if you're a praying person, continue praying.

bwanasil · January 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/264236#Comment_264236

thanks

tboard · March 10

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75140/need-advice-how-to-overcome-emotions-putting-your-spouse-in-mc-home

My DH of 46 years goes to memory care next week. I am unable to continue caring for him at home. When health care professionals recommended memory care i kept saying no. I finally gave in after he ended up in the hospital because I could not get him to stand up and he would not allow me to clean him up after he soiled himself. He becomes violent when his disposable needs changing.

I could not imagine living without him and I do have some tough days. He had been in transitional care 94 miles from home of a month. It seem like five years. I have never lived alone and we have never been apart for more than a day or two.

Alzhiemer's is a horrible disease. I’ll be using the funds we saved up for retirement to pay for his care.

Michele P · March 11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75140/need-advice-how-to-overcome-emotions-putting-your-spouse-in-mc-home

This is the most painful and difficult decision you will make. I want to give you yet another prospective. We kept my mil at home with round the clock care while her husband was alive. Even with round the clock care and us going over to the house daily, the care was beyond all of us. My father- in- law died of a heart attack, and we were left with her care. This disease takes a toll on all of us. When the time comes, place her, visit her, and give yourself the grace you need knowing that you are doing what is best for both of you.

Need Advice How To Overcome Emotions Putting Your Spouse In MC Home

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