When friendship is impacted

djae

I suspect a dear friend of mine has early onset. This person's mother had Alzheimer's and passed away as a result. My friend is in their mid-60s and is dealing with the recent death of a spouse so for the past two or so years I've attributed recent behavior changes (verbal outbursts, mostly) to grief and having to navigate life alone at this stage of life.

All of that said, in the last two years my friend has unexpectedly verbally abused me in public places (at a hotel, at a restaurant) and has accused me of saying and doing things that never happened. The frequency of the outbursts has increased—what used to happen once a year now happens every 3-4 months. I've tried to have rational conversations—to no avail. My friend responds with more offensive attacks or refuses to speak rationally about any of this at all.

I realize this could sound like a set of regular disagreements between friends, but the intensity of these outbursts is overwhelming and the conversations are increasingly hurtful. Additionally, this friend has accused others of stealing from her and they've unexpectedly severed lifelong friendships without articulating the reason/s. Finally, this person, a recently retired professional, has fallen victim to those phone scams where criminals ask for account numbers, etc. These situations concern me further.

In isolation, I suppose any of these things can happen to those of sound mind. But the fact that these are all relatively new issues and behaviors (last two years) and there is family history, and that I just sat through (another) two hours of this friend verbally abusing me makes me wonder if this friend is experiencing cognitive decline.

I've come here to ask if anyone has observed similar aggression and outbursts when most of the rest of their life appears "normal". I told my friend that I cannot continue enduring this behavior and I don't know where this leaves the relationship. They were dismissive and said, "this is just a fight". I don't think it is. I think I need to walk away.

I don't want to abandon a 20 year (once very dear) friend but I can't go through this kind of thing again. If you're still reading, thank you. I'd love to hear your thoughts—whatever they may be. I'm heartbroken, insulted, shocked, and angry (and probably more). Not sure what to do next. If anything.

Dneige89

Hello. I’m sorry that your friendship has been negatively impacted by their behavior. I suggest speaking to one of your friend’s children or other relatives. An honest conversation with your friend about their behavior and your concern for their health and financial well-being is also a good start. Perhaps, accompanying them to their doctor’s appointment would encourage them to seek help. Wishing you all the best!

djae

Thank you Dneige89. I appreciate your message and suggestions. This is difficult because there are no children and the spouse passed away. My friend is alone and will not take suggestions from me. This is frustrating to say the least. I'll continue to try.

eaglemom

I was just checking in to see if you'd chatted with your friend. I'm so sorry this is happening to the both of you. Don't giveup on the friendship, but rather try to look at it from a different point of view. Your friend is probably more scared than you are, with the added stress of loosing her spouse and whatever else is going on in her life.

Maybe write a brief card - I miss you, I am willing to help you with whatever you need. And leave it at that.

eagle

djae

Thank you, Eagle, for checking in.

I haven't heard from my friend nor have I reached out to them. The horror of their behavior during our last meeting continues to trouble me and the fact that I haven't heard from my friend makes me wonder if this was truly a cognitive issue versus plain bad behavior.

The inconvenient and sad truth is that, after that incident, I am not willing to help. I've given and helped tremendously—particularly during the last six years—and I just can't get over the outburst or that there has been no apology. Under the circumstances, I don't want to reach out. I don't think I should have to make contact and I really have nothing to say.

I miss the friendship I thought we had, but I don't miss what that encounter revealed and I don't want to put myself back into it. Avoidance behavior may not be the right way to handle this, but I need to protect myself from another unwarranted and unexpected viscious attack and keeping my distance is the only way I know how to do that.

I wish I had a different update to share. I really do appreciate hearing from you. Thank you. Be well.