First time posting.
I posted this in the general area but think I probably should have posted it here instead
I’ve been lurking around for a while, but my kids suggested I actually post in hopes of finding others who are going through the same or similar thing
My husband (74) was diagnosed with MCI due to AD and Vascular Cognitive Impairment about a year and a half ago. He also exhibits signs of anosognosia. His perception of his actions are not the reality but he doesn’t see that. He’s had 2 car accidents in 2 years- totaled 2 cars. Based on his neurologist’s recommendation, he underwent a comprehensive driver assessment- 2 hours of testing including cognitive, vision, etc, as well as an actual driving component. Recommendation of the tester is the he should not be driving - something my kids and I agree with. He adamantly disagree with the tester, refused to sign the paper work and walked out of the office. Wants to repeat the testing and wants another doctor- which won’t reveal different results and his doctor is good with him. I’m at a loss as to how to deal with this as he’s so angry and thinks I arranged it on purpose. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks everyone .
Comments
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Welcome. Post away. We are all here for you. I would suggest you hide all of the car keys or fobs. I had to do that for my DW when she said she was leaving. Luckily, she hasn't tried to drive or ask about the key fobs. Why didn't your DH neurologist order that he should not be driving?
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DH is adamant that he’s a good driver , although totaling his car last week kind of doesn’t agree with that. Neurologist sent him for the full driving assessment to help make the decision
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Losing their driving privileges is one of the hardest things for PWD that they deal with in the beginning stages. You will receive a lot of great advice and this has been a topic on here often. So many suggestions but what they all have in common is that you are unfortunately at the stage where you will need to make the decision to stop him and then find a way to make that happen. Others will have great ideas many of them creative….
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Was the driving test performed by your department of motor vehicles or was it a private test? I believe by refusing to sign the paperwork doesn't dismiss the results. If it was through your department of motor vehicles I believe they can pull his license to drive. If it was a private firm can you have your department of motor vehicles perform the test? Or, ask them on how to proceed.
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it was through Easter Seals. And you’re right, him refusing to sign doesn’t negate the results. His doctor will also receive them.
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My wife had to small accidents fairly close together and our insurance canceled our policy. For me to be able to get any insurance we had to show that she had given up her license. If his second accident was just last week you might call the insurance company and ask how this accident will affect your insurance and the rates. Don't mention the dementia, I think that might lead to them not covering this accident. If they cancel your policy and he gives up his license you would be able to get insured separately without his accident counting against you. Just an idea to consider, see what ideas other may have.
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Do this: cut and paste your post into ChatGPT. Ask it for advice. I did it and it has great advice. Here’s a few: don’t argue with him (he doesn’t believe you), reframe the issue: the Dr wants us to pause, we don’t have insurance; finally go to the DMV with a letter from the doctor if necessary.
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I just went thru this with my DH. He is the same age with a relatively recent MCI/Alzheimers diagnosis. He took the written part of the driving test and had to sign the paperwork first stating his license would be revoked if he failed the written portion. And if he failed the written portion he would not go on to the driving part. He said “well why would I want to take this test then?” She left the room for him to think about it saying it had to be his decision and he didn’t have to sign if he didn’t want to. He also has anosognosia. He decided to sign and failed the test. He refused to give up his license but others in the family came down hard on him about not being able to be insured and possibility of hurting someone if he continues driving. I recommend getting other family to talk to him. He has still refused to turn his license in but has not driven and today we donated his car to charity. Both our names were on the registration so we both had to go to the RMV to cancel the car registration. He did agree to turn in his license at the RMV but they had no one available to do the other ID. This agreement took well over a month of not driving. So we will do that later. What I have found is that it is a process and does NOT happen over night. DH is still angry about it. he feels he passed the test. Asks me “when are you taking the test… when will they revoke your license?” . The anger was extreme initially but less so now.He told the neurologist he was a good driver and the neurologist replied “I’m not interested in your past driving, it’s your future I’m worried about”. I would do everything you can to prevent him from driving. After family called and spoke to him I just said I’m taking your keys. It was tough and he was furious and constantly yelled at me to return them. I tried distraction or just went to walk the dogs. I know how hard this is on you and a big loss for them but hold firm. I wish you well. As an FYI neither I nor my kids would ride with him long before he got the initial diagnosis. Getting family involved helped take some of the heat off of me, because just my voice was not getting thru to him. Good luck .
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My DH blamed me too for the reason he couldn’t drive anymore. I know each situation is different, but ultimately my DH had a debilitating stroke that left him unable to stand or walk. That pretty much took care of driving. Although he begged me two, three times a week to wheel him out to the car to see if he could get in it and drive.
Since your DH totaled his car, I’d drag my heels/never replace it. Say, we can’t afford it, insurance won’t cover it because you didn’t pass your drivers test, etc. But, as hard as it may be, don’t argue with him. I’ve mentioned this before, but I bought a fake look alike fob for my DH car before his stroke and put it on his key chain and removed the real fob. He never tried it, but if he did, I was ready with - looks like the battery in the fob is dead - something must be wrong with the starter. If need be, I would have taken his car to a relatives garage and stored it and said it was at the auto shop for repairs….taking forever because of supply chain shortages, etc. Good luck and stay strong.6 -
Welcome. This is a tough one. After my DH took the test with the Neuro Psychologist, she called me and said he should no longer be driving. She said he had visuospatial difficulties regarding speed and distance and it was urgent I get him to stop driving. She said since he had a diagnosis of dementia in his medical records, if he was in an accident even if it wasn’t his fault the insurance could refuse to cover it and we could be sued and lose everything. I sat my DH down and told him what the doctor said. The next morning he handed me his keys and never drove again. I told him that I would now be his personal chauffeur. That helped the mood. If you can’t get him to agree, disable the car and hide the keys or have it moved to a family members house. Don’t delay. He could kill himself or someone else. Your responsibility is to keep him safe. You will face many decisions like this in this heartbreaking journey. So sorry you are going through this. We understand.
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I get the same thing. I should take the test and I’m a terrible driver. That’s all part of the anogonosia. All valid points and helpful. Thank you
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I would be very cautious that he doesn’t have the ability to buy a new car. With some online sites cars can be delivered to your door.
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This is one of the most difficult situations we face early on with this disease. They should have taken his license when your husband failed the test. I would call your local motor vehicle and ask how to proceed. Motor vehicle should revoke his license. Your local police or sheriff department might also have suggestions. Your insurance company will not cover an accident whether it is his fault or not because he shouldn’t be driving. You will get sued for everything you own. Move the car and hide the keys. Your husband will never accept the diagnosis or the driving test results. You have to do whatever it takes to keep both of you safe.
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@sbf I answered your post in the other sub-forum. So this comment is just to let you know it is ok to post in any of the forums here. The caring long distance and the after death sub forums don’t get much traffic, but the rest are probably checked by people every time they come to the site.
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good to know. Thanks.
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This was my dad 100%. Word-for-word.
For some reason, dad was OK with me driving him places as I impressed upon him that I was an excellent driver because he was the one who taught me. That worked surprisingly well for planned medical appointments but not so much for spontaneous outings. If your kids are able to do this, it might lower the temperature of the situation.
If your custom is to each have a vehicle you use exclusively, getting his out of his sightline might help. A car/truck he can't drive in the driveway can act as a visual trigger reminding him of the loss. Better to remove it, sell it and tell him it's in the shop for a recall awaiting a part if he's far enough long in the disease to not harass the dealer.
One caveat, with his diagnosis in his medical record, your insurance may be voided. My parents' policy was. Mine's written the same way.
What we did with that anger was to assure dad we felt it was unfair and find him a "new doctor" for a second opinion. That doctor was a geriatric psychiatrist who prescribed psychoactive meds to dial back his anxiety and the behaviors it drove. This man became the most important man on dad's care-team aside from mom.
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his car was totaled last week, so it’s not here. So far we are ok insurance wise but after the recommendation that he stop driving, if he were to get in an accident, he’d be liable whether it was his fault or not. Today he wants to sue the tester since she was wrong about the results It wasn’t his fault and multiple other excuses.
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Hi @sbf
So sorry you are in this awful situation. Driving was a real issue for my DH for MANY months. Lots of anger, agitation, and stress on both of us.
You’ve gotten good advice from others. I hid the keys and each time he wanted to go somewhere I offered to drive. I think he finally got used to this tactic and he only demands the keys rarely. Other things I’ve heard is hide the car at a neighbors or with the kids. Have someone disable the car so it won’t start. Make sure he doesn’t have access to means to buy a new car. You cannot reason with a person whose ‘reasoner is broken’. Just say things like ‘I am so sorry your car is in the shop. Let me drive you’ or ‘I am so sorry about that test. Maybe we can try another day. May I drive you today?’ He’s goping to keep trying, so just continue to say you are so sorry and how you can help. hang in there!
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My husband has not driven in a year. He is 75 has VD and his doctor said no driving. My son took the truck to his house and we told hubby it’s in the shop. Well a year later he is still asking for his truck, he wants to drive, refuses to accept he can’t and has temper tantrums! It’s exhausting! I want to sell the truck but not sure if I can, thinking he has to sign the title! I know I’m doing the right thing Hang in there!
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i'm sorry you're in this situation, too
i don't know about you, but I've gotten pretty good, over the years, at signing things for my husband. is the truck registered just to him? or both of you? we both had to sign the title for the totaled car but i could have signed it at home and brought it to the insurance company.
just a thought.
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If you have a DPOA you should be able to print his name then POA then sign your name on most documents.
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I truly understand and identify with the difficult situation you’re in. My DH’s driver’s license was suspended 8 months ago, after his neurologist suggested that he should no longer drive, and his geriatric psychiatrist submitted his name and relevant information to the DMV. While he hadn’t had an accident, he had gotten several camera tickets in the past year, and I had observed unsafe driving. His diagnosis was changed from MCI to Alzheimer’s 5 years ago, and he’s 86 with mobility problems. After DH’s initial anger, I thought he would accept giving up driving. He willingly signed the papers to sell his SUV a few days before the license suspension became effective. However, within a couple of months he was on a quest to buy another car. He has submitted numerous requests to dealers on-line and even bid on cars on auction. I tried reasoning with him—without a license, you can’t register a car or get insurance. Of course, his reasoner is broken, and my efforts were met with anger. Now, I just try to put out fires. I check his email when he’s sleeping and text salespeople that try to get in touch with him. I’ve also answered his phone and explained the situation to the salespeople calling. Once, he managed to get a GoGo Grandparent driver to come pick him up to take him to another city to buy a car, but I was able to intercept that. I daily unsubscribe from car sites on his computer and permanently delete items he hasn’t opened and some that he has. I keep hoping this is a phase, but I don’t have any idea if/when it will end. The advice would be to keep him off the computer and off of his phone, but that’s so much easier said than done. With anosognosia, he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him or his driving—he thinks I’m the crazy one for trying to keep him from buying another car. I have thought long and hard about how to approach this problem, and, for now, the best I can do is put out fires—and there may come a time when I miss one. I’ll just have to deal with that when it comes. In the meantime, I empathize with everyone going through living with someone with AD who doesn’t accept that it’s no longer safe to drive. Thank you for listening to my story. I do learn from each of you when you share what’s on your mind.
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I’m sorry that’s happening to you. Alzheimer’s is bad enough but when you add in the agonosia piece it’s just crazy.
And I thank everyone for sharing their stories and helpful hints. It’s appreciated2 -
Can you put a lock on your credit? That way he can't use it to buy a car. Same with credit cards. Put a password or number on them.
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Yes, I've frozen his credit at Equifax, Experian, and Transunion and lowered the limit on his credit card. He could still write a check—though he's having trouble filling out checks now. I'm just trying to stay vigilant.
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You might try a password to use the computer. Tell him some security thing happened overnight you don't know about. This must be so difficult. I was fortunate my DW quickly became overwhelmed trying to use the computer and is down to cute animal videos on You Tube for her phone. It is so sad she can't answer a call anymore but also it has been a bit of a relief. Side Note: Getting through stages 4 & 5, Alzheimer's has been so expensive in the most unexpected ways.
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if you have DPOA you can sign the title. I sold our RV that way.
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my DH is 62 and diagnosed with FTD Semantic variant. He has his drivers assessment next Friday. I am positive he won’t pass. I already have plans to sell his truck and have a potential buyer. I really hate this step as it will mean he has to retire but in all honesty, this is way over due
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We were advised by our attorney to put the car registration in the primary driver’s name. With DPOA, you should be able to change the registration or sell the vehicle if necessary.
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We learned that our insurance requires a doctor’s certification for continued coverage when a person develops a problem that could impair driving. This helped move the discussion to resolution because my husband could still understand he would most likely not be covered if he had an accident. It has been devastating to him and to me.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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