Elder Law
I know that my DW condition will get worse over time and I may not be able to care for her in our home. If anyone has reached this stage have you got an Elder Attorney involved and is this advisable…God knows I don't have all the answers.
Comments
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It is definitely a good idea to see an elder law attorney. You should have a DPOA for her with someone named as a backup if something were to happen to you. You should also appoint a DPOA, since your wife will no longer be able to care for you if it becomes necessary. If she hasn’t done a living will, that would also be a good idea. Don’t put this off, since she needs to understand what she is signing. I needed a DPOA when mom went into Al. As a husband I’m not sure if you would need that or not. Best to ask a lawyer. If you can’t care for her any longer she would probably need mc or a nursing home. These are incredibly expensive. A lawyer can help with how best to manage that. Is Medicaid an option? It’s complicated and qualifications and what is covered varies by state. Is there some way to protect finances? Mom’s lawyer suggested a prepaid funeral, but that may not be what’s best in your situation. Do you have enough to pay out of pocket for mc and for how long? A lawyer is really the best place to get these answers.
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H1235…These are all the questions that have been running through my mind. We had a trust done years ago and already have DPOA's, wills, and health proxys but I'm sure there are a lot of financial situations that may occur and will need advice on that….thank you very much.
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@H1235 summed it all up beautifully. It is definitely worth seeing an elder law attorney. My DH and I had all that paperwork prior to his diagnosis so I had to change my DPOA and health proxy to remove him as primary. And based on the financial analysis I had to change how my will was worded in case I died first. Elder law attorneys are experts on Medicaid if that’s an option for you - in my case I didn’t think it was an option because of my financial situation but there were things I didn’t know about and was able to apply for it for DH. I think you’ll feel better once someone reviews your situation and advises.
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This is exactly the information I needed. My financial situation doesn't work for Medicaid either but some other things you mentioned do certainly need my attention…thank you
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When you had DPOAs done earlier you were probably each other’s POA. You need a different person to be your POA, but she does not have to be involved in that.
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I agree with other that you need to see an elder law attorney immediately. Another suggestion we were given is to set up a plan b in the event that you can no longer care for your loved one. Tour assisted living and memory care facilities and place her on a waitlist with a refundable deposit. Get log in and passwords for computer, phone, all accounts. Put TILE gps trackers on phone, keys, purse, wallet.
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Everyone has been so correct…I have now consulted an attorney and will meet with him later this month...there are certainly many things I have to change. Thank you all.
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I am so used to discussing everyday affairs with my DW that I often forget that she has no idea what I'm talking about…the everyday give and take have vanished….it kills me. I guess I will learn that those everyday "what do we do about this..or what about that" are gone….all decisions are up to me now even the very simple ones.
Thanks for listening to my ranting.
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This is one of the common issues that caregivers talk about with this disease. When two people become one in a good relationship, it’s hard when that bond breaks and you’re back to being one person again when it comes to the give and take and decision making. In a way you get used to it after a while, like all the changes that come, but that doesn’t make it easier.
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I had to run out to the store to get a few things and left my DW watching a TV program….only gone for about 20 minutes. When I returned, she met me at the door and started whispering…"don't say what you got because I don't want the people here to know". I ask her what people she was talking about, and she said "the ones in the living room but don't go in there because I have to introduce you first". When we went into the living room the TV was now showing a commercial and she started saying "where has those people gone". She believed the people on the screen were actually here. It took me awhile to convince her they must have left just before I got home. Has anyone come up with any quick answers for these type of delusions, most of the time I am left speechless.
Just ranting again…thanks for listening.
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Your wife needs medication for the hallucinations. Speak to her neurologist about this. A geriatric psychiatrist can assist with medications for this disease to help with symptoms.
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Her Neurologist has put her on Memantine and Seroquel but so far that has not helped all that much. I will speak to him again at her next appointment.
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Most all of us here have the exact fears that you do. It’s such a heartbreaking journey. We are 5 years into it now. My DH is still doing fairly well, but I know there will be progression. I have no plans to put him in MC. There may come a time when I don’t have a choice but I have several friends who hired people to come in and help them. This was a difference of thousands of dollars/month and they managed well, all while keeping their loved ones home with them until the end. This is the route I plan on taking. My faith has helped me through so many of the “downs” but I find solace in the many more “ups”, and concentrate on those. You will make it! We all will, but it sure is a tough journey we’re on. My heart goes out to you. ❤️
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Trying to convince her she is not seeing what she is seeing is not advisable, usually. If the hallucinations are benign and not threatening her, and she is accepting them, you should try to go along with them as much as possible. ‘Oh, someone here? Let’s see’ ‘Oh, they must have left’ Not making any kind of ‘deal’ of it. Meet her in her own reality. You are probably right that the TV instigated this and if it bothers her, or you, maybe limit what she is watching on TV? Sometimes PWD mistake mirror reflections or glass reflections for other people. Some caregivers have had good luck covering those objects if it becomes bothersome.
I would not medicate strictly for hallucinations. If she is having behaviors that are frightening, alarming or aggressive, that is the time I would consider meds.
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I agree with "terei" — avoid medications as much as possible.
My DW has been experiencing the same. She sees people in the house at different times and she speaks to them. The other day I found her taking to "someone" while looking at herself in the bathroom mirror. None of this is harmful to her.
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I am also in process of consulting with an Elder law attorney. After speaking with my financial planner it became very clear that this needs to be done sooner rather than later. If you do have a financial planner make sure the attorney is open to working together with this person.
Also, please make sure you select an attorney who is certified in this particular field. If you have assets and suspect your loved one may need placement in a nursing facility you can approach this now and prepare your finances accordingly. Most people have no idea that nursing homes cost $10,000 to $30,000 PER MONTH. Plus in order to qualify for Medicaid in a nursing facility much of your financial assets must be spent first before Medicaid will pay.
Making a plan now can help direct some of your assets into ‘protected accounts’. This requires some very specialized knowledge so be sure and ask the attorney if they have experience with long term care, Medicaid and protection of your financial assets.2 -
Shortly after my DH was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and vascular dementia I had our attorney draw up power of attorney and health care directive documents. My DH was still functioning at a level where he understood the documents and could sign them. I can not figure out what I would need an elder law attorney for and they expensive.
I cared for him at home until I couldn’t. He will go to memory care next week as he needs more care than can be provided with in home care. He needs 24 X 7 care that sometimes requires more than one person. MC wasn’t part of the plan but his behavior became more than I can handle. The drugs he is being given makes him less violent but also more likely to fall.
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I will be seeing an Elder Law Attorney today. I do have a Trust that was put in effect many years ago but there are some changes that have to be made now being my DW can still understand and is able to sign. Many thanks to all that has given great advice.
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I often hear that a plan B must be explored when the time comes that I cannot provide the care my DW needs. I have looked into a memory care facility and the cost for this is astronomical….$586.00 a day. My financial situation does not qualify for Medicaid so this would completely bankrupt us in a very short period of time….I doubt that I am alone in this situation. Dealing with this terrible disease is stressful enough without piling this on as well.
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Just a couple thoughts. I too was advised to have a Plan B if I became unable to provide care for my dear wife at home until the end. I checked several places, looked at their evaluation ratings, and became further convinced I needed to improve my Plan A and emplyed privately a couple caregivers who were remarkable. Yes, it left me with overnight and a portion of each day alone but it was manageable. The Plan B research results scared me as did feedback from others.
Second, regarding the loved one getting confused or becoming alarmed by reflections. My dear wife did that and it frightened her badly. I found coverings for window, sliding glass door, etc., that still allowed some light but eliminated all reflections. This helped eliminate her constant fear that strangers were in the house. I removed most mirrors possible, managed the television to also help reduce her fears. There is no explaining, convincing or altering their fear from reflections. You just have to remove the opportunities for them. Once I did all that, that constant fear, anxiety issue was reduced and we moved on the the next one. Yes, there is a never ending list of "next ones" but you just have to take them as they come.
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I'm working on all of this as my state needs requires a 5 year look back. I think I have 5 years as my DH is early in this and has MCI. But you don't know the pace.
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I had always been told and heard my state required the 5 year lookback also. However, when I consulted the attorney I was told that it did not apply to the spouse in our circumstance. You might just ask, if you have not done so, very specifically about the spouse role in the 5 year look back. Just FYI.
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I am in the process of working with an attorney now and will certainly ask about the 5 yr look back pertaining to a spouse….we now have a revocable trust not irrevocable so not sure not sure how this works in my state but will certainly ask. Thank you howhale your suggestions are very helpful.
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The trust would protect my house and other things allowing my kids to inherit. I could stay in my home until I died or move without it but once I did Medicaid could go after my home to reimburse DH's costs.
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I my state you can do a ladybird deed for the house. With this the house automatically goes to your kids and the state is not able to do estate recovery on the house. I think it’s not allowed in all states. Might be worth looking into.
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Not sure what a Ladybird deed is but here in Georgia we now have a Transfer on Death Deed available, as of last year. It simplifies how the home is handled at death with a simple transfer to those you include. It circumvents probate and the heirs just sign to accept the property within nine months of the death. All I set up was done to enable my wife to apply for Medicaid if necessary and protect assets.
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I think I would be able to have my DW in a MC facility for a very short period time if that is needed, but we never know just how long that care may be….sometimes years.
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This part is hard. I took our car in for an oil change today and was told it also needed x amount of work. Normally I would have called my DH and said what do you think? Can’t do that anymore. All decisions fall to me.
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I used to go grocery shopping with my DW every now and then but now all of this is up to me. I do take her with me most times, but she has little or no input as to what to buy. I do try and include her in what to get but she just says whatever you think and just follows me around the store never wanting to stop and look at anything…….this is hard….very hard!!
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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