My father is convinced my mom is cheating (?)

NnoiLeigh

Hello

I am new to the group, and an unsure how to handle this issue. My father was diagnosed over a year ago, and IDK how to label his current progression. He is isolating, and unsteady of feet, has some issues with incontinence. Has difficulty following a movie or tv program. But he is still aware of who family are. He gets grumpy in the evenings, and has become very possessive and controlling of my mom especially.

My mom has been trying to get some much needed alone time, but whenever she leaves the house he gets very upset. She is still active in our family church and this has become a large point on contention between them. To the point where now he is convinced she is cheating on him with someone in a big white truck. He has sworn he as seen her cruising around town in this truck after midnight.

This is not true

My mom and I have done a few classes for caretakers to try to help us create a safe space for him. And in other situations we have been told to not dispute the issue and to listen and agree with them to help keep them calm. (As an example if he swears he has already seen this movie. Or if he says he just let the dogs out) But this is not the kind of issue we can just agree with.

What can we do to calm his worries, and make him feel safer that is not just going along with it, which is cruel to both him and my mother?

SusanB-dil

Hello and welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. That is great you are helping mom and even taken the classes.

Dad is worse in the evening, so this is probably sundowning. An evening agitation that just happens. no rhyme no reason. My concern is that he gets grumpy, possessive, and controlling. Is there any indication he would actually hurt mom? If so, you can call 911, tell them the situation, and have him taken to a geri-psych facility. They would be able to adjust meds and get that anger under better control. Even if that is not the concern, you need to let his doc know - and again, adjust meds to contain that behavior.

SDianeL

welcome. So sorry about your Dad. First, read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which is very helpful. If your Mom is leaving your Dad home alone that may be causing his anxiety and agitation. Search for the DBAT questionnaire and see what Stage he’s in. I don’t think he should be alone. Do you have DPOA? If so, Ditto on discussing his anxiety, agitation and delusions with his doctor. Then ask his doctor for a referral to a Geriatric Psychiatrist who is the best type of doctor to prescribe and manage meds for dementia. 2 things I learned on this forum: never argue with someone with dementia and “You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Have your Mom keep telling him she loves him and is going to be there to take care of him as always. It’s OK to fib to him to calm his anxiety and agitation. Without admitting she did anything wrong, Maybe tell him that he moved out of state in his white truck. Wonder why he’s fixated on a white truck?? Be creative with fibs. Also have her try answering him and then distracting or redirection. Ice cream worked for my DH. We understand this is tough on you and your Mom. Hugs. 💜

harshedbuzz

@NnoiLeigh

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

This is a BTDT scenario for me. Dad went through a phase like this in the middle stages of the disease. I think it was, in part, the result of anxiety related to still having some notion of his impairment and also how mom reacted to him emotionally. Dad was newly diagnosed well into the middle stages and mom was not coping well with the changes in him or the implications for her lifestyle. It's important to remember that emotional intelligence remains intact until the very end of this disease. Dad could rationalize mom's behavior towards him was her processing her new life (moving from the beach and giving up her carefree snowbirding lifestyle) and assumed she'd found someone else.

I agree, it doesn't feel like anyone would benefit from the usual advice that includes an apology. In practice, mom denying it made things worse— now he saw her as a cheater and a liar. What we did find, and YMMV, was that my uncle or I could easily convince him that he was such a magnificent specimen of male hotness that mom would never even look at another man. This was quite inconvenient for me as it meant dropping whatever I was doing to talk him off the wall. The leader at mom's ALZ support group convinced her to try presenting a more loving face when dealing with dad and it greatly reduced these outbursts.

We also added medication. Dad's geriatric psychiatrist was the most important part of dad's care team after mom. He put dad on a cocktail of low dose psychoactive meds which dialed back his baseline of anxiety which made him less reactive and easier to be around.

HTH-
HB