"Survivor's" Guilt

lilacgirl

I find that in addition to feeling guilty for the pain I am causing my mom by taking away her independence, I feel a form of "survivor's" guilt, in that it is very hard for me to allow myself to enjoy basically ANYTHING. I feel guilty feeling happy when I know she is struggling with so much (grief at the loss of her husband, anger at her loss of independence, fear of what is happening to her). I feel like a big black cloud walking around bringing everyone around me down. Can anyone relate?? My doctor did just put me on some anti-anxiety medication — I've never taken anything like this in my life — so I hope it helps to some extent.

SusanB-dil

You are not taking away anything, nor causing her pain. 'this' horrid disease is! You are the one keeping her safe. You are the one who cares and loves her very much. Agree, it is hard to see our LO in such a state, but you aren't doing it.

H1235

I am so glad you doctor has prescribed you something. I hope it’s helpful. You’re going through so much right now. I definitely feel sometimes like I’m the bad guy. My brother doesn’t support me and usually wants to let mom do whatever she wants. He is oblivious to her limitations. This always leaves me being the heavy. Its hard. I sympathize and feel bad that mom can’t enjoy all the things she used to, but my mom tends to blame that on me. She has been angry, argumentative, and very difficult at times, while I was working my but off to take care of things driving her to appointments, talking with doctors, making appointments (although things have settled down a bit now). I guess that has made me feel more hurt and frustrated that she didn’t appreciate me (I know it’s the dementia) more so than guilt. If I tell her my husband and I went to dinner, she will give a big heavy sigh and tell me her and my dad liked to go there. If I talk about working in my garden, she will get mad and tell me how the garden at her house must be completely overgrown. Most of these things were luxuries I didn’t really have much time to enjoy, because I was so busy doing things for her that my husband and I couldn’t go out, I missed the meal on the grill because I was taking her to the doctor, I missed my grandsons game because I needed to do something for her. Yet when I tell her about that one rare time I was able to enjoy it she gets snippy with me because she can’t. I avoid any conversation that might stir up these feelings in her. Unfortunately that means conversations are difficult and limited. Its an emotional roller coaster.

SDianeL

you didn’t do this to her, you did it for her. To ensure she is safe and gets the best care possible. No need to feel guilty. Dementia did this to her. Glad you’re getting help with meds. You deserve happiness. You have been a great caregiver and daughter. Hugs. 💜

pamu

I can relate. The guilt is horrible. I can no longer share any details of my life with my mom, which is very sad. She's agitated most of the time and asks to leave MC pretty much every time I see her. Anytime I mention anything….it could be about the snow melting or spring coming and she will say "I'm stuck here". Then she will tell me a fabricated story or delusion and I'll be reassured she's at the right place and we're doing the right thing for her. My mom has had mental illness her whole life so our family has had to tip toe around her feelings has been the focus of our whole family (and extended) for as long as I've been alive. Her AZ was diagnosed 8 years ago. I have kids and a husband at home (and a FT job) that have taken a back seat many, many times for my focus and caregiving to my mom. I feel like I disappoint someone no matter what I do and I also carry the "big black cloud" around with me. I try to remember that this too will pass and my caregiving will come to an end at some point. Until then I'll continue to visit her often and make sure she's getting the best care and experience she can while in MC. I've accepted that I cannot make her happy. No one can, no matter where she is. I'm still practicing to let the emotional grip go during the in-between times and enjoy the little things because if I don't my life will pass me by. Take care of yourself and I hope the medication brings you relief.

Victoriaredux

No one can get inside another person's head or heart. Totally understand why you are grieving the "loss" of your old Mom due to the disease but don't try to absorb what you imagine she is feeling .

You love her and are taking care of her . That is a tribute to how she raised you, and she didn't do all that to have you also gobsmacked by the disease no one caused.

Discuss , with your brother, where she will be best placed -near you or brother and just move ahead . When she is safe then you all can relax more. The disease can't be stopped , but her safety level can. And being around the staff and other patients in AL/MC may help her deal with her life changes .

Take care, glad you reached out to your Doctor.