Care from out of state

Caref4Mom

Hello. I am in Atlanta and my parents are in Cincinnati. My mother has Alzheimer's and my father is her primary caregiver. I am feeling more and more that my dad needs more help than he is asking for and maybe even a respite care partner to come to the house for my mom so he can have a break. My godmother currently comes over at times but my mom tries to push her out the door as soon as she gets there. I'm thinking that a professional may have more experience than my godmother does with this. Where do I start from out of state? I know my mom will resist and my dad has expressed concern over this as well (my mom "doesn't do well with strangers"). I am more than willing to travel to them for interviews and make sure they have the right fit. I just don't know where to start or if I'm jumping ahead.

eaglemom

Welcome to the message board that no one wants to be a part of. I'm glad that you've found us.

Before I go any further, it would be a good idea if you remove your last name. More than likely it is fine, but with so many people with not good intentions in the world, it would be best if your last name is removed.

Now to your situation. It is not unique at all. Caregiving can be long and very difficult. Your father might not even realize how much help he needs. You could possibly start with a conversation with your mom's neurologist and voice your concerns. Then ask if they have an agency in which they recommend. I'd also ask your mom's PCP the same question.

Start there and see what responses you receive. Have you thought of your father possibly taking your mom to and adult memory day care type of facility? Maybe look into what is available near their home. You father could drop mom off and have 4-6 or more hours to himself. Its just another option.

I don't want to overwhelm you. Let me know your thoughts on my suggestions. Hopefully others will come along also.

eagle

H1235

Welcome. Most communities have a commission on aging. They may be able to point you in the right direction. If someone coming in to help care for your mom directly doesn’t work, you might try getting your dad to accept help with other thing to lessen his load. I’m thinking things like- having groceries delivered, hire someone to mow the lawn, encourage him to order out more, maybe a maid service, would he allow you to help with finances (maybe get bills on auto payments). My dad passed long before mom was diagnosed, but I have read may stories here were the non dementia parent tried to do too much, refused help and put their own health in danger. It’s good you are looking out for him.

Michele P

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75599/care-from-out-of-state

Welcome. If there is an Oasis Senior Services in your father’s area, contact them. They offer free assistance with in home care and out of home memory care placement. You need a plan b now. Tour memory care facilities and place your mother on a waitlist in the event your father can no longer care for her. Your mother’s care will become more than what he can handle and will impact his health. Can you move them closer to you?

caregiving daughter

I like 1235's idea on encouraging as cleaning or cooking services. I think respite is key but perhaps a caregiver could start in this capacity to ease into the situation.

It may be necessary for you to vacation with or near them to be present for the first several days/week to ensure the person is not released. You and your dad could have some time to do something together.

Caref4Mom

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/268383#Comment_268383

Thank you all of this is very helpful (and thank you for the suggestion on username, didn't even think about that). I will call her doctors and ask around. I really appreciate the input.

harshedbuzz

@Caref4Mom

Another thought is your godmother? Is she someone with whom your mom previously got along or might your mom see her as one of dad's people?

What sort of training do your dad and godmother have in terms of managing dementia behaviors? There are a lot of good resources in books and You Tube videos (Teepa Snow, Dementia Careblazers)

HB