In memory care and taking hubby out

Katcat

hubby has been in memory care facility since mid October. He always in confusion. He says where am I. What am I doing here. I want to go home. This is all he talks about. I thought I’d be able to take him home thanksgiving but no way. I’m not sure he will ever be ready to go out. I can’t imagine taking him to a diner. Overstimulation noise. I don’t even want too. The nurse told me oh yes he will be able to go out. Is she just saying this so I won’t feel bad does anyone have any experience with this. Thx. And when I leave he cries. He wants to be home. So heartbreaking

SDianeL

I didn’t take my DH out due to the reasons you listed. He may not want to go in when you bring him back. For PWD home is a feeling not a physical place. Just blame it on the doctor. Tell him he can go home when the doctor says so, then change the subject. I visited at mealtime and didn’t say goodbye when I left. I told the nurse I was leaving and she would take him ice cream to distract him

harshedbuzz

@Katcat

It's hard. My mom would have liked to be able to take dad out for the day, but imagined getting him settled back in the facility would undo progress settling in. Some folks find a car ride and a stop for ice cream is an outing they can manage.

Your mention tears when you leave. Are you actually saying goodbye or announcing your departure? Many of us find it best to "ghost" our LOs by slipping away. At the start or a meal or other activity when they're distracted is a good time to quietly slip away.

HB

Bowerbird

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is very hard to see that in our LOs. I agree with SDianeL in that home to the PWD is a feeling, not really a place. Have you spoken to the doctor or Nurse Practitioner about this? Perhaps he needs to be on an anti-depressant.

SiberianIris

I agree with SDianeL. I don't take my mom out for the same reasons. Many people with dementia say they want to "go home" even when they're sitting in the home they've lived in for 50 years. With dementia, "home" represents a place in their mind in the past where everything still made sense rather than a physical place.

One of the things I do to distract mom when she's unhappy is to show her old family pictures. She always loves looking at them, and sometimes they prompt her to tell me interesting stories. Occasionally she'll remark on the household decor in the pictures, saying how pretty it is. I agree with her, but I refrain from telling her it was her own house where she lived for decades.

Mom has been in MC for 8 months. She is doing better physically and cognitively than she was at home with 24/7 caregivers. She doesn't really ask to go home anymore, but instead asks me to drive her by her house. I'll say "Yes, but not today, because I'm on my way to a doctor's appointment/it's raining/etc. We'll do it next time." The positive response of "Yes, but…" is always better received than "No, because…".

annie51

My heart goes out to you Katcat. It’s heartbreaking for sure. As others have said, it may be better not to take him home. I resisted that with my DH because he seemed content where he was and I was afraid of the potential issues when bringing him back there. They did have him on various meds to curb the agitation and aggression so maybe that was helping too.

BPS

I do let my wife know when I am leaving from her MC but I tell her I have to go do some work or take care of the dog or anything but I will be back so I will see you later. That works for her. She does still sometimes say that she will get her stuff so we can go but I tell her that she still needs a little more therapy and should be able to leave in a few days (she moved straight from the hospital after a stroke to MC so I tell her that is why she is there for a while). I have taken her out for lunch or ice cream before and it went OK, but each time I was worried about how she may react. I think that maybe her having limited use of her left arm as a reminder that she did have a stroke may make some of this a little easier for me.

Katcat

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/270090#Comment_270090

thx. He’s now on meds. A bit better