How to inform your parent of major home maintenance plans

FluffyCat

Does anyone have advice on how to inform a parent about major necessary home repairs? My siblings and I live out-of-state from my mom. While she still lives independently, she has trouble with executive function, particularly finding and hiring people to do home maintenance. Her roof is old and is in a state of total disrepair with a multitude of leaks. It has become evident over the past several years that she is incapable of addressing this issue herself. So, we recently contracted with a roofer to reroof her home, and we plan to take her on vacation while the project is happening so she won't be distressed by the activity. She also has sufficient income to pay for the repairs with her own money.

The dilemma is that she is very triggered by any mention of her roof, after a handyman she hired several years ago made things significantly worse. She is out of touch with reality, thinking her roof is just fine and that it only needs a bit of tar here and there. Plus, it should only cost about $200, rather than the $25,000 it actually costs for a new roof.

I don't know how much we should inform her about what's happening versus just taking her back to a new roof and saying, "Surprise!" All of us children are co-signers on her accounts and she is currently in good financial shape, so we can use her funds to pay for her roof, but I worry that she'll develop paranoia if she sees money has been withdrawn for a roofer. She doesn't actually open most of her statements, but you never know when she will. And even if we tell her what's going on and she agrees to it, she will likely immediately forget and get upset at us that we did something without involving her.

Does anyone have any tips on what to communicate to her about this roof project, if anything? This is a desperately needed repair, but she cannot process it needs to be done. And also, does anyone have tips on how to pay for the repairs without triggering paranoia? My siblings and I are all on the same page about having the project done and can easily transfer money from one of her accounts to the roofer, but I don't want her to think any one of us "stole" money from her. Basically, do we tell her our honest plans, knowing full well that she won't remember any of it? Or, do we just proceed with what needs to be done and bring her home to a watertight roof? We are all trying to take care of her but also avoid any potential triggers where she starts shutting us out due to suspicion. Is this a hopeless goal, or is there a way to minimize a negative reaction from her?

H1235

My mom also let a lot of things go. Not just the house, but dental appointments, she never replaced a cpap machine that quit working, hadn’t been to a hairdresser in a long time, glasses were held together with tape and a water heater that was a fire hazard. This was not because I wouldn’t help, but because she refused the help or was concerned with the cost. Her thinking was off. It was so much work when i finally decided these things need to be addressed whether she likes it or not. She was pretty mad. It was very hard! There is a saying here, NEVER try to reason with a person with dementia their reasoner is broken. No amount of logic or even physical proof will allow her to understand the need for a new roof. I would avoid her finding out if at all possible. If not I think just brace yourself for the anger, don’t engage (it’s so easy to get sucked into trying to explain), and change the subject as quickly as possible (I would sometimes just leave). Will she notice that the roof has been fixed if you don’t tell her? If you don’t think she will notice, I wouldn’t tell her. As far as the money coming out of her account, the bank statement would be the big give away. I would opt out of a paper copy of the statement so she has nothing to show her what you have done. I would stress to the roofer that any bills or statements with the should be sent to you or a sibling vs your mom. To be honest the ability to manage finances is one of the first skills to go for many.

If she does notice the roof and starts drilling you on the cost (this is what my mom has done), I would be very vague. Tell her you can’t remember how much or a friend of a friend did it for really cheap. Tell her you don’t have the numbers right now, so you’ll have to get back with her. You might even say oh I’m sorry I thought we talked with you about that. Me a my siblings must have got our wires crossed. Im so sorry. Do not feel guilty about doing this. You would be saving her a lot of anxiety and upset over the whole thing.

easy23

I wouldn't tell her and hopefully she won't notice the new roof. H1235 gave you good advice to opt out of paper bank statements. I know it seems deceitful, but it's all in her best interest.

ARIL

I agree with the good advice above. No need to discuss it unless you have to, and you need to move away from paper bank statements. If she does notice the roof, redirect to new topics or compliment her on her good decision to get the work done and then move on to another subject. Or just take the complaints if they come. There is no reasoning about this, and the work must be done.

terei

My tip is not to discuss it at all. Make sure it is done when you take her back and you might be astounded to realize that she does not even notice that it is done. If she does mention the ‘new roof’ which I bet she doesn’t, just say briefly you had it ‘repaired’. The end.m. BTW any paper statements should be sent to an address where she does not have access to them. That would include all bills, statements, notices, etc. They will just cause friction and confusion IMO

psg712

Agree with everyone above. Don't even start the roof conversation! Also, it is probably time to reduce her access to her financial resources. So many PWD make poor financial decisions at this stage. Their impaired judgment makes them easy marks for scammers. She may be angry, but her money will be protected for her future needs. Stop paper statements, change online passwords, take the credit cards. Sounds extreme but it will be worth the fuss.