Moving to memory care- how do I tell her?

cdixon630

We have made the decision to move my mom to memory care. We can't decide how to tell her. The facility says to just tell her the day she is going. Her cognition is still ok and she'll see this as us "tricking" her. We are considering having a discussion with her about this but we k ow she'll be resistant.....any advice?

caregiving daughter

Not the same situation but perhaps a reference point… my mom went to memory care under a respite program. I drove her from the emergency room to the facility. I did not try to explain respite. I just said, that for right now, extra care was needed per the doctor's request so she would be staying there. She did see some value in meals being provided, etc. Only you can assess whether she would understand a discussion, would remember a discussion, become agitated during the discussion, etc. Maybe a thought is explaining that it is the situation for now.

SusanB-dil

Hi cdixon - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Obviously, she is going into memory care for so many reasons. Most of us are open to fiblets, because it is necessary. You can tell her that her doc wants her there for now. Or you can also say that her house is being worked on for plumbing, electrical, a main-water-line damage… whatever works. Basically, really no need to start explaining and discussing it. Often, simple explanations that involve 'for now' usually work.

H1235

Welcome. My mom was still doing ok in Al when her money ran out and I had to move her to a nursing home. My brother insisted she be told a week in advance of the move. She was very angry! I brought her no boxes to pack thinking we would just do it the day of the move. The room she was moving to is small so she really didn’t need much. We showed up the day of the move and somehow she had managed to find boxes and had boxed up everything. There was no rhyme or reason to anything that was boxed. When I asked what boxes would go with her she said “I don’t even know what I need there no one tells me anything.” Later she insisted certain boxes had to go. I was rooting through boxes in the back of my car trying to figure out what she really needed. She demanded she had to have the box that was clearly filled with kitchen items. I put it in my car, but never brought it in. My brother loaded enough pictures to cover everything inch of the walls in her new room. He was almost as oblivious to her needs as mom. It was an absolute disaster! Mom would never believe she was going for therapy. But she also doesn’t understand that she is not safe to live alone. I tried to give her a very vague explanation of the financial need, but that didn’t work. She said if I had just let her live in her own house she would still have her money and she would be just fine. I stopped trying to explain at that point. Reasoning with a person with dementia just doesn’t work. I was actually afraid she would flat out refuse to get in the car. It was so nerve wracking. Thankfully she did get in the car, although she refused to ride with me since she blamed everything on me. I guess this is a tale of what not to do. I hope the move goes well.