Coping When Loved One Remembers Things Wrong

easy23

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share something that’s weighing on me after my recent visit with my husband. I spent a few hours with him yesterday at the nursing home, and while things went smoothly during lunch, he became anxious and started exit-seeking after. The toughest part is how his memories of these visits sometimes get twisted—today he told me that the woman who visited yesterday (me!) “took all his money and ran out on him.” It’s both sad and frustrating.

I try to use humor in the moment, but deep down, it leaves me feeling invisible and misunderstood. I know dementia does this, but some days it hurts more than others. I don’t really have someone close to talk to in person, so I’m reaching out here. How do others handle these feelings and the ongoing emotional wear and tear?

Thanks for listening!

White Crane

easy23, dementia is so hard. I know it hurts. My DH is in MC and some visits go better than others. Some days I leave feeling sad and empty inside. It's hard but the more I can accept him and his illness and not take things he says personal, the less I hurt. I'm glad you reached out to this forum. We all understand. Sending big hugs.

SDianeL

just keep telling yourself it’s the disease. He’s having delusions and confabulations. He can’t help it. Introduce yourself when you arrive. I used to walk in and say hi honey, it’s me (I’d say my name) your wife. Keep telling him you love him. They may not know us but they know we’re somebody they love and who loves them. Take pictures to talk about. Don’t say goodbye when you leave. Hugs. 💜

howhale

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274228#Comment_274228

I firmly believe the same. Always believe that your LO is still in there just with many blockades preventing that truth from being clear to them. Your LO knows you in their heart. Maybe lost often in their brain, but never in their heart. Toward the end when my DW was not speaking, could not recall my name and that I was her husband and declining faster, she would muster all her strength to look into my eyes and tell me "Thank you for taking good care of me". No one will ever convince me that she did not know who I was in her heart. Trust that and keep that belief in yourself at every moment. They are in there and trust you and know you are one of theirs.

MsLadybug

Easy23, I can relate. DH has delusions, and he recently accused me of doing something I didn't do. Not gonna lie, it hurts a little every time, because when he is living in his own reality the man I have loved for 37 years just isn't there at that moment. He was always a completely logical person - and it throws me for a loop each time he has an irrational delusion. We could always have connected detailed conversations before, now the "always" is gone. It's like I now know I can no longer count on having a close conversation with the person I love, and that hurts. But then later he has moments of being his old sweet self - I guess I am lucky the sweet man I married is still is there a lot of the time. I know he still loves me even if he thinks I am the enemy at times. It's hard to accept, but I know it's the disease, he can't help it and he doesn't mean to have delusions, and I truly believe in his dear heart he would never want to hurt me. I am focusing on staying heart connected with him through the good moments and the bad.

howhale

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274488#Comment_274488

Stay strong as you navigate the uncertainty of this terrible disease. It is so hard each time we see another progression and loss in our loved one so we have to truly cherish and enjoy every moment when and however it occurs. Your reinforcement comments to others regarding how to keep working to stay focused on the disease as the "bad guy" helps. In hindsight for me it is so scary to think that our loved one is trapped in there, emerging now and then and what must they be facing all the other time. And because we cannot go into their world very far, they must be facing it alone and that is a crushing thought.