Seperating married couple

Reen66 · June 10

I'm not sure if anyone has experience with this. My sister and I are my mothers DPOA and we have documentation from 2 physicians stating she is no longer competent to manage her affairs.

Unfortunately, my stepfather and his son have done some very underhanded things ( family drama) to the point 3 attorneys we consulted with, have told us they are exhibiting predator behavior and not to leave her unattended with them. My sister and I went down and with combined efforts took care of my mother AND stepfather in Florida for past 6 months. Currently, My stepfather due to his own health conditions is in Rehab. His son has completely cut us off, we cannot get health information or updates about my step fathers care etc. My step father is going along with this.

My question is this…we currently have my mother in NY living with us. We want to take her down to visit when he gts out of rehab but we can't do another 6 months there. Our intention is to bring her back to NY. We have extended multiple option ie living with either my sister or I, or assissted living together here in NY where we have large extended family. My step father refuses, wanting to stay in florida with his son. My mother has no family there, other than her husband andhis son. She does not like his son and they have an antagonistic relationship. Can her husband like place an injunction or stop us from bringing her home again to NY. She will not want to come. She is in stage 6. She thinks she can care for herself and tend to herself which she cant. She doesn't realize whats happening with my stepfather and his son. She of couorse is going to want to stay with him once he's home. We are now just worried about bringing her home to visit because we don't know if he can keep us there and fight us in court or since we have the right with the POA to move her, does she stay with us while he tries to fight this. ( hypothetically, we don't evenknow if he will fight us, but think he will).

H1235 · June 10

Welcome. Im glad you found our group. I would not take your mom down to visit him. It sounds like a very nice thing to do(but being nice can often backfire) but i think it’s just going to cause problems. My sil took my mil (with dementia) out of state for sister’s funeral. She was gone a few days. We visited two days after her return and she was complaining her sister hadn’t called in ages. So will she even remember this visit? If it will stress her out and create problems in getting her back, you would not be doing what is best for your mom (in my opinion). Travel can also cause anxiety and confusion for a person with dementia. If your step father and his son are underhanded and not to be trusted are you just asking for trouble by bringing her down to visit? If there is some kind of a blowup with his son, you don’t want your mom to be subjected to that. I would contact a lawyer to discuss the situation and just make sure you are prepared and that you are not breaking any laws by keeping her with you. I would document however you can any of these underhanded things that have been done and why you think he is not capable of caring for her. You might also want to make sure you have a solid plan in place for her care. This should include short term and a plan b for when she needs 24/7 care.

Victoriaredux · June 10

I would suggest talking to a lawyer about whether there are steps you and your sister as your mother's DPOA can do now to protect her assets - separate and marital - I don't know options but legal separation etc. Have things separated and protected . Or if he has the income etc be sure she is getting her portion as his wife.

Just because the step-father and son aren't nearby doesn't mean they can't be do financial things and your duty is to protect your Mother's assets so they can be used for her care.

Did she name you as her executor - if it's her husband and you two are named to likely inherit something in the future see if you can get that changed and if it makes sense expense and nerve wise . Otherwise it will be a bitter mess when she passes.

I hope that society will invent a family law product for second marriages - it's a double whammy - your parent has health issues and then there is the current spouse and maybe their children involved in care and money issues. If people set the ground rules ahead of time maybe it would stop some of the games I've seen and suffered through.