Seperating married couple

Reen66 · June 10

I'm not sure if anyone has experience with this. My sister and I are my mothers DPOA and we have documentation from 2 physicians stating she is no longer competent to manage her affairs.

Unfortunately, my stepfather and his son have done some very underhanded things ( family drama) to the point 3 attorneys we consulted with, have told us they are exhibiting predator behavior and not to leave her unattended with them. My sister and I went down and with combined efforts took care of my mother AND stepfather in Florida for past 6 months. Currently, My stepfather due to his own health conditions is in Rehab. His son has completely cut us off, we cannot get health information or updates about my step fathers care etc. My step father is going along with this.

My question is this…we currently have my mother in NY living with us. We want to take her down to visit when he gts out of rehab but we can't do another 6 months there. Our intention is to bring her back to NY. We have extended multiple option ie living with either my sister or I, or assissted living together here in NY where we have large extended family. My step father refuses, wanting to stay in florida with his son. My mother has no family there, other than her husband andhis son. She does not like his son and they have an antagonistic relationship. Can her husband like place an injunction or stop us from bringing her home again to NY. She will not want to come. She is in stage 6. She thinks she can care for herself and tend to herself which she cant. She doesn't realize whats happening with my stepfather and his son. She of couorse is going to want to stay with him once he's home. We are now just worried about bringing her home to visit because we don't know if he can keep us there and fight us in court or since we have the right with the POA to move her, does she stay with us while he tries to fight this. ( hypothetically, we don't evenknow if he will fight us, but think he will).

H1235 · June 10

Welcome. Im glad you found our group. I would not take your mom down to visit him. It sounds like a very nice thing to do(but being nice can often backfire) but i think it’s just going to cause problems. My sil took my mil (with dementia) out of state for sister’s funeral. She was gone a few days. We visited two days after her return and she was complaining her sister hadn’t called in ages. So will she even remember this visit? If it will stress her out and create problems in getting her back, you would not be doing what is best for your mom (in my opinion). Travel can also cause anxiety and confusion for a person with dementia. If your step father and his son are underhanded and not to be trusted are you just asking for trouble by bringing her down to visit? If there is some kind of a blowup with his son, you don’t want your mom to be subjected to that. I would contact a lawyer to discuss the situation and just make sure you are prepared and that you are not breaking any laws by keeping her with you. I would document however you can any of these underhanded things that have been done and why you think he is not capable of caring for her. You might also want to make sure you have a solid plan in place for her care. This should include short term and a plan b for when she needs 24/7 care.

Victoriaredux · June 10

I would suggest talking to a lawyer about whether there are steps you and your sister as your mother's DPOA can do now to protect her assets - separate and marital - I don't know options but legal separation etc. Have things separated and protected . Or if he has the income etc be sure she is getting her portion as his wife.

Just because the step-father and son aren't nearby doesn't mean they can't be do financial things and your duty is to protect your Mother's assets so they can be used for her care.

Did she name you as her executor - if it's her husband and you two are named to likely inherit something in the future see if you can get that changed and if it makes sense expense and nerve wise . Otherwise it will be a bitter mess when she passes.

I hope that society will invent a family law product for second marriages - it's a double whammy - your parent has health issues and then there is the current spouse and maybe their children involved in care and money issues. If people set the ground rules ahead of time maybe it would stop some of the games I've seen and suffered through.

JulietteBee · June 10

Whoever is your mom's DPOA determines where she lives. Are you sure her husband was not made her DPOA?

ARIL · June 11

Oh, wow. Yes, unfortunately I am sorry to say I have lots of experience with a similar scenario.

With DPOA, you are in charge.

You have received good advice already, which I agree with. As I see it, there are two critical matters, in this order of importance:

Your mother’s safety and well-being. Do not take her back to FL. Get her situated in NY, make sure she becomes a legal resident (get her a state ID card), and plan to help her live out her life in NY. If she wants to go see her husband, kick that can down the road however you have to: “We’ll go next week,” “We’ll go when the doctor says we can,” whatever. Don’t go. If she is at stage 6, you need to limit her travels and stabilize her living situation.
Her financial resources. You will need to secure her assets for her own care. An elder law attorney can help (in FL or NY or perhaps both; I’d start in NY). Was there a premarital agreement? (Possibly a faint hope, but if there was, that will help enormously.) Estate planning is another but related matter; you will need to talk to a lawyer about that too and determine what options exist for the specific circumstances.

I am really sorry you and your mom are going through this. Really, really sorry. But her safety and well-being are paramount. Whatever else arises, that’s your focus, and since she is in NY already, that is a hugely positive step. She is lucky to have you. Have confidence in that.

ARIL · June 11

While I am at it:

When you talk to the lawyer in NY, make sure to discuss the current situation, the will (are you executor?), and what happens between death and the appointment of an executor: that is, who decides about the disposition of remains, funeral, etc.?

A POA ceases at the moment of death, and in most (maybe all?) states, if other arrangements have not been made, a spouse has rights to determine death rites, burial or cremation, etc. In NY, a person can designate an “agent” to do this (likely you or your sister), and the agent supersedes the spouse or anyone else. Talk to a lawyer. This matter is determined by the state laws in the state where a person is a legal resident at the time of death.

Here is the NY form:

https://www.health.ny.gov/forms/doh-5211.pdf

I bring this up not to be morbid but just to point out one more piece of the puzzle.

(And yes, the form says “of sound mind.” Talk to the lawyer. Typically a person can sign if they are competent to understand what they are signing at the time they are signing it and are not being coerced. People with dementia can sign legal documents, although this gets tougher and messier as the disease progresses—and eventually becomes impossible.)

Reen66 · June 11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274547#Comment_274547

yes she specifically made my sister and I NOT her husband because she was starting to get concerned about his sons i fluencm

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274543#Comment_274543

thank you all

For taking time to respond ALL of this is helpful

ARIL · June 11

I was thinking about you and your sister this morning (I have so much empathy!), and I wanted to add one more thing about protecting yourself legally. As you help your mom, you will want to keep good financial records and to try to avoid even the appearance of impropriety in your dealings with her money.

So, for example, if you create a new bank account in NY for your mom, let it be in her name alone, with you and your sister able to sign as POAs—no joint account. You will want to avoid any later claims that you were trying to take her funds. Think of how things could look to an unsympathetic outsider; that will help you make a call. Sometimes bankers suggest joint accounts for “convenience.” They are not thinking through all the legal questions, esp in a situation as messy as this.

I wish you and your family the best on this hard road.

Victoriaredux · June 11

If a trust existing then the lawyer should advise how the accounts should be titled. Maybe a new trust is needed etc.

H1235 · June 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/274624#Comment_274624

Just thought I would tack this on.

https://www.consumerfinance.gov/consumer-tools/managing-someone-elses-money/

Seperating married couple

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