Husband hit 89 year old wife

rsquire

My mother is caring for her husband (both 89) who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Tonight he hit her twice in the face in their home when he become frustrated with something that she was doing (no excuse). To the best of my knowledge this has never happened before.

I am interested in any advice or guidance on how we support my mother and her husband during these difficult times. How do we protect her from being subjected to more physical abuse?

Thanks in advance...

Quilting brings calm

You have to 1) medicate him to control his agressuve behavior. A geriatric psychiatrist needs to be involved 2) you need a Plan B. Start looking for placement in a facility because an 89 year old being hit can be life threatening. If you absolutely refuse to separate them - then place them both in assisted living where a staff is there 24/7.

rsquire

Thanks for your reply...

Michele P

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76267/husband-hit-89-year-old-wife

I agree with the advice you have been given. Safety is always number one. Your mother is not safe. Call his neurologist and/or geriatric psychiatrist immediately to get your father on medication. I also suggest that you find a memory care facility and put him on a waitlist asap. Your mother at her age will not be able to care for your father.

harshedbuzz

@rsquire

Safety first. Are these your parents or is it mom & step-dad? If the latter, does this man have adult children or a sibling as next-of-kin who are POA for him and have a say on what happens with him?

The husband should have been transported to the ER for a stay in a geriatric psychiatric unit for medication management. The ER could also test for a UTI which can cause agitation and an uptick in behaviors. During that time, next steps could be considered. If he's mid-stage, it might be time for placement. Transfer to a MCF from a hospital is the easiest way to make the move, so it's prudent to do it then. A social worker at the geri psych can help her find a suitable place.

If he does respond well to medication, she could consider bringing him home. Before that, the house needs to be cleaned out of anything that can be weaponized— firearms, sports equipment, cast iron pans, knives, small tables, etc. Your mom would need a safe room with an egress and a charged cell phone on her person at all times.

This needs to be taken seriously.

https://people.com/pa-man-84-accused-of-killing-wife-argument-over-veterinary-bill-8408378

HB

eaglemom

I'm so sorry that this has happened. The advice you've been given is spot on. It always has to be safety first. And that's safety for the both of them. You need to address this now, not later.

eagle

MN Chickadee

The most common approach is often to call 911 during such an episode. (If she doesn't feel she can it may be she needs to quietly text you to call 911 and you explain or similar.) The police and EMTs would transport him to the hospital on a psych hold. Ideally he would go to a geriatric psych unit for medication management, although some communities don't have one and it's done in a regular pysch inpatient unit. Once stable he would be released either home or to a memory care facility. If she wanted him to go to memory care this is the opportunity, she would work with the hospital's social worker to find placement. It is likely to happen again, please take this seriously. You can also contact his doctor and see if they will do a direct admit to a psych unit, bypassing the 911 part. He needs medication to stabilize this behavior. PWD have and do hurt their caregivers, sometimes severely. Sometimes they were the nicest, most gentle person before dementia and they still become violent, it can just be luck of the draw. Hide all things that could be used as a weapon, make sure mom has a safety plan - always having her phone or an apple watch she can use to call for help, a safe room with a lock she can go to while calling.

Victoriaredux

Agree with earlier suggestions for medication review, but have you heard how she verbally responses to him- NO excuse for hitting of course but she, at 89, maybe at the end of her rope and placing both or separating them may be the best . She may not say how she feels, old school- keep family stuff private but at 89 dementia caregiving has to be beyond exhausting.

H1235

Caring for a person with dementia is difficult at any age, but at 89, I’d say it’s almost impossible. I agree that he should be tested for a uti and that meditation to help calm him would probably help. I also agree with victoriaedux. Communicating with a person with dementia is complicated. You sometimes have to spend all your time practically walking on egg shells to avoid an out burst. Never correct, argue, bring up symptoms or limitations. She may not understand the importance of of her approach with him. Not that I am pointing fingers at her, it’s just a very tough situation for anyone to deal with. I think a facility makes the most sense. Keep in mind there can be a waiting list to get in.

rsquire

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post. It is very helpful. We have quite the journey ahead of us…

emmee

Zoloft was incredibly helpful to almost completely eliminate hitting. My mom who absolutely doted on children before dementia started to hit my youngest child when she reached late stage—my mom in dementia found normal young child behaviors intolerable and would get angry and hit her. The doctor recommended generic Zoloft which resolved about 70% of the issues, and then the doctor increased the dosage which then resolved 99% of the issues. Since my mom is at the end of her life we don't even have to worry about long term side effects. It has been amazing.

Chance Rider

Sertraline/Zoloft has made a big difference in my husband’s behavior. He wasn’t at the point of physical aggression but his anxiety and anger needed moderating.