DW Doesn’t recognize me

Hvbw

My DW (65) has been battling Alzheimer’s for the past 8 years and is now in early Stage 7. I have been her primary caregiver throughout this journey, although earlier this year I hired a caregiver who comes four days a week during the daytime to help.

Over the past several months, my wife has continued to decline. Most days she is emotionally distressed and has episodes where she becomes frightened, yells out, and appears scared without any obvious trigger.

Three weeks ago, her neurologist started her on Sertraline in hopes of reducing these episodes, but unfortunately things seem to have worsened. The frequency and intensity of her emotional outbursts have increased, and she has begun experiencing hallucinations and perceiving threats from people who are not there.

The most devastating change happened about a week ago. Almost overnight, she lost the ability to recognize me as her husband. Instead, she now sees me as a threat. Simply seeing me for a few seconds causes her to become extremely agitated and yell for me to leave. It is as though her fear has become attached to my face, and I now trigger an immediate emotional reaction whenever she sees me.

Because of this, I am no longer able to perform even basic caregiving tasks for her. Watching these episodes take such a physical and emotional toll on her is heartbreaking, especially when I can no longer comfort or help her.

My son has stepped in to help during the day and even during the night when these episodes occur, but that is obviously not a sustainable long-term solution.

As a result, I have made the difficult decision to begin looking at memory care facilities. Logically, I know it is probably the right decision for both her safety and well-being. Emotionally, however, it is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.

For those who have faced a similar situation—especially when your loved one no longer recognized you or viewed you as a threat—how did you cope with the transition to memory care? Any advice or experiences would be greatly appreciated.

blacksparky

Hi @HVBW, I am exactly in the same place as you having to look at a MC facility for my DW. She is 56 and was diagnosed in 2023 at about stage 4. She is now stage 6, but needs help in toileting, showering, dressing and pretty much dependent on me 24/7. She progressed very quickly to stage 6 in the past 6 months. They say every caregiver will know when it’s time to pass the baton to the help that we no longer can do. This is the hardest decision I will have to make but I now realize that this decision is best for both my DW and for my health and sanity. You have been a superstar caregiver for many years and I applaud you.

annie51

You both have done so much for your wives and should feel no guilt at making this hard decision (I know that’s easier said than done). When I placed my DH he was not at the point of not knowing me, so I can’t relate to your experience. But if she’s distressed when she sees you, that certainly isn’t healthy for either of you. The only other option may be medication adjustments but that also takes time. The MC I used had a house doctor and 2 NP’s who each came in once a week so making adjustments to meds was easy, and they always called me whenever a change was suggested. It eventually did get him to be calmer, although a little more lethargic, but it was better than extreme agitation.

We’re here for you. Keep us posted.

Cranddi

HVBW, I went through the exact same situation with my DW (70) last December. Fear, then hallucinations, bad people in the house and ultimately not able to recognize me. I became one of the shadowy bad people and she yelled at me to get out. She also began running out of the house onto the icy driveway and sidewalks calling for help. I feared for her safety, so I called 911 for help. She had a 10 day stay in a Geri-Psych unit where they added medications that mostly stopped the hallucinations and most importantly, calmed her down and allowed her to recognize me again. We still fight mild fear and anxiety on a daily basis, but life at home is still manageable.