Anger and depression

D33Z3

My father has been declining rapidly mentally. His depression hasn't been able to be controlled with meds and he keeps getting meaner. He's in denial but sometimes I think what I say actually makes it to his thinking process sometimes but is often turned around on me and it's my fault or something I did or didn't do. I'm trying to be more helpful than aggravated but his "switch" can flip at anytime and he's angry with me again and often refuses to voice what's wrong unless it's him saying something horrid and awful to or about me. I've been in contact with a couple groups and have some new strategies to try but I'm on eggshells constantly. Im afraid of confrontation and I'd rather talk something out than scream. But how do I react when he says things that are so mean when I know he's just trying to get a ride from me? I've tried not responding I've tried walking away I've tried talking it through but it's always my fault :( he's so mean :( he has SI but has never acted on them. He doesn't talk about what's bothering him or what's going on in his head. The memory issues I can somewhat deal with but I have a long past of abuse in all forms (nothing physical from Dad just verbal) and I know it plays a huge part in defending myself or standing up for myself instead of cowering down into tears which don't ever seem to aide the situation but if I react then he gets more angry and says more hurtful awful things. And he likes to crap talk about me (in front of me even) to other people and it hurts. He believes he is of sound mind and is denial he has anything other than depression. I feel alone and insane. Im sorry.

caregiving daughter

Your dad is fortunate to have you as a daughter. I am assuming he has been diagnosed with dementia. Dementia means loss of cognitive ability and judgement. Dementia may mean he is not of sound mind, depending on his stage. Most folks feel there is no denial—see anosognosia. He doesn't understand that he has dementia, rather, he is likely very scared that he is losing his ability to take care of himself. None of this is his fault or your fault.

To the extent there is a physical danger, you need to keep yourself safe. Explain the behaviors to a clinician.

To the extent he is saying hurtful things, you need to constantly remind yourself that this is the disease talking, not your dad. Sounds silly, but when my mom got especially hurtful, I would pretend I was a professional caregiver. If she said something harsh, I would listen and and say something like, "I understand, mom". I would then divert the conversation. I was able to calm a situation with ice cream, a baby doll, and even ripped jeans (I told my mom I was hurt and the visual calmed her down). I don't think any of these items worked consistently so you will likely now be constantly thinking on your feet.

Read posts on this board or even a book on dementia. Education really helped me.

SusanB-dil

Hi D33Z3 - You need to tell his doc ASAP. This is not acceptable on any level. IF you do not have HIPAA accesses, you can still tell his doc, but they would not be able to get back to you.

He most likely has anosognosia. This is not denial, but rather the inability to see that anything is wrong. at all.

Do you have anyone else that can help with him?

So sorry you are dealing with all that. ((hugs))

D33Z3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276332#Comment_276332

I have let my Dr know which is in the same facility as his, Dr said they will pass it to his Dr and so they can discreetly evaluate him. He just started seeing a counselor and I'm hoping he signs the release so his PCP can aide. He has not been diagnosed.....yet. and I'm not sure if I have that access still or not :(

D33Z3

Not even my father by blood :( but he's been there like a father to me for sure. I love him like if he were my real father. It's all this pushing me away with harsh words that even though I've told myself to not listen to it...it still cuts so deep :(

He hasn't been diagnosed and is in denial to the point he's telling people he doesn't have it.

And it's partially not being able to physically do the "manly" things he used to do and I know it frustrates him tremendously, but it's also because I think he is realizing he is "slipping". I often repeat things he says back to him if I don't fully understand. He will deny it's what he said, say something totally different and then go back to the first thing. Or when he asks me to Google something for him real quick then as I'm googling gets angry that I'm on my phone....and then realizes whats happened and usually walks off.

H1235

Welcome. This is so difficult! As others have said this is probably not denial. I will attach a link about anosognosia. People can say it’s not your loved one it’s the dementia, but I have found that the dementia amplifies moms less attractive character traits. This makes it really hard mentally to just attribute it all to dementia. A common rule we have here with dementia is never ever try to reason with a person with dementia. Even you try to explain or even show proof it just won’t work and will often end in an argument. Mom accepted her diagnosis in the beginning, but now believes the doctors are wrong. The written report showing her diagnosis means nothing. With this in mind your approach with him can make a big difference. Here are a few things to try (if you haven’t already). Avoid any conversation that involves a touchy topic at all costs. If he is mad he can’t drive, don’t mention you got a new car, getting an oil change or car problems. Yes it’s like walking on egg shells. If possible do what needs to be done without involving him. If there is a complicated decision to be made he is probably not going to be able to weigh the pros and cons and make a well thought out decision anyway. If his car needs to be sold just do it (provided you legally can). If he doesn’t need to be involved don’t include him. This is a tough one- apologize (even if you did nothing wrong), especially if it’s something small or minor. Leave the room. I have tried this. I dont know that it solves anything, but I am mentally better off if I don’t have to listen to it. If it doesn’t matter and it’s trivial just let it go. He is right. Pick your battles. The last approach I can think of is to use a therapeutic fib. If he wants to go home tell him his doctors say he needs to stay. If he is worried about something and wants to do something he is not capable of (change the oil in his car, fix the fence at his house), tell him you did it or hired it done. If that angers him, apologize and say you were just trying to help. You know him best. If he tends to save this anger for you and you think the doctor might not understand, try to discreetly record an outburst and send it to the doctor. Medications can take a while to take full effect. I hope something here helps.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

DBAT.pdf

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

D33Z3

So what do I do? Sit and wait for him to SI again to call med crisis? Wait for something physical to happen? Everything info and say seems to trigger him.…my phone, the neighbors, dinner, bills...and many other things...how do I avoid topics that aggravate when everything aggravates?! He has now told me that I have to move out since I stress him out...not my kids...me. I have nowhere to go and all my money is wrapped up in this house...I can't even get back to work yet! I've been down since September with pt 3x a week. I'm weeks away from being able to go back to work but I have nothing and no one other than my kids and animals. I can't even have my daughters grad party here cuz he decided one day he didn't like one of my daughters friends...which is one her of BFF from childhood! We want her here too and I can't afford a venue and it's way too hot for the elderly to be outdoors too long. We have plenty of space at home! Acres! Do I go against him and go ahead and go have the grad party with her BFF here? Im not sure what to even do!!!! He gets upset if I don't converse with him enough, or too much. He gets upset if I walk past him wrong...he's not physical but his words do hurt..badly. And I can't ignore them or tell myself it isn't him it's the dementia (undiagnosed but the ball is rolling with Drs). I've been verbally abused most of my adult life and most of my childhood ...I can't let it roll off, it hurts...every.single.word hurts and he knows it. I can't react to his words cuz it fuels the fire I don't know how to not react when my feelings are so fragile. Please don't tell me to 'buck up and grow a pair'...that's impossible and I just can't do it when it comes to Dad. Ugh. Help.

Also how do I go about finding support groups in my area I can physically attend? Not zoom or online or forums or videos...I need in person conversations with people who understand and are going through similar things!

Also how do I go about 'fixing' the rumors he is spreading?! He has so many believing I am the only one at fault and that I'm the only issue and that I'm a bum etc. it's like he is rallying people to be against me :( I've tried to let people know (kindly) that Dad may be going through dementia and a lot of things he is telling him are one sided or untrue and to please come to me if they have questions about what he says.....I am not a bad person and neither is he I just want people to see and understand the situation without judging one side of the situation. It's so terrible cuz we are in a little community so it doesn't take long for bad looks and more rumors to start up about me or him. I'm so stressed 😫

D33Z3

It's the OP again.....he has been making my life hell. He hates me and it shows. He won't ask for help then gets mad when he doesn't get help! And this last time, he hurt himself! When I asked about it he said 'he knew' like it was my fault. He didn't even say anything about the er and I only seen a little blood and possibly a stitch or two. He's had worse had didn't know he was even bleeding…well early in the morning the next day instead of asking for one of us other licensed drivers to take him, he took himself to the er and found out he messed himself up more than he realized. He came home and has barely said a word to me unless it was hateful or mean. He won't sit in the same room as me for long and goes up to his bedroom which isn't normal and in the last only sits in his room all day when he's mad at me for a few hours. I'm trying to "kill em with kindness" and I'm still trying to help him even though he doesn't want it.

So here's a kicker....he isn't my real dad but has been a father figure to me for almost 14 years. Ask him and I'm his daughter ...DAUGHTER! The other day we were talking about something I can't remember right off the bat and he said he sees me and him and more of a married couple living together!!?? What?!! So, me being me I corrected him and said nooooo we are Dad and daughter just for him to get louder and say it again. So I guess now he's sees me as some type of gf or wife?!?! We don't hug, kiss, sleep together..nothing that a wife and husband or bf/GF would be doing Because I see him as MY DAD!

He's pushing me away and treating me like I'm some stranger that's here just to make his life harder or something :( I don't see it that way, I'm here because I need a place to live for one and two because he actually needs help but I'm getting to he point I don't know how to help. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do when he takes off on his tractor to go do stuff he shouldn't be doing alone but refuses help?!? He also refuses to fix anything...the kitchen sink has leaked for weeks and I was trying to fix it but he told me to close the cabinet and get away from it. Daughter tried to fix the dryer that's been down since spring and Dad will not let her fix the dryer either, same with a few other major things that need fixed around here. He won't fix them or let them be fixed!

My car needs fixed, it's something Dad and I both need. He said he isn't messing with it, my daughter and I tried but didn't have the muscle...soy daughter got her bf to come give it a try and he wasn't successful so a friend of mine offered and I accepted. Let Dad know I had someone coming to look at it and see what he can do, Dad gets pissed...he even lit a cigarette in the living room! No one smokes them but him and hey stink so bad, he smokes in my car and makes it stink...but how am I supposed to get my car fixed with no money and no way to afford a mechanic and Dad isn't helping me? I call a friend that can and will. It has to be done no question but why is he mad about it? He won't even say goodnight I love u to me when I tell him....he yelled at me in front of said help and a kid just because we were standing next to his tractor and I was pointing out and describing the shifters to he kid ya know...cuz he has questions about it...we weren't touching it we weren't opening the hood...just standing there next to it pointing and explaining. And Dad gets mad and pulls the door open real fast and says why are u touching my effing tractor...I answer nicely and say I was just explaining why there are 2 shifters and he said it to effing touch his tractor and almost the front door. This child being the child he is...starts tapping he tire saying I'm not touching it, Dad flings the front door back open and demands to know what was so funny..we pointed to the kid and said cuz he's being funny and I asked why he was so mad and all he said was that the kid was fine cuz he liked him. Then closed the door. Now why in the world would this man be mad about something he lets me drive?! Why all the sudden is me being around his stuff such an imposition? I have no idea why he is mad he won't talk to me other than look at me and shake his head?! I swear I didn't do anything on purpose and if I did I need to know so I can correct it but I've been reassured by a few people that day that I didn't do anything and that they had no clue why he is being the way he is. I'm an adult, I can take criticism, I can handle someone letting me know I did or am doing something they don't like and I can also listen very well. But when I have no clue why u are pushing me away, being mean, saying meaner things, going behind me to see what I talked to people about...then what do I do?! I can only assume it's my fault, I have to fix it somehow if I can figure out what I did. It's a whole ass mess y'all. I like venting on here but I wish people actually read these and commented back more often.

(Sincerely, deeply troubled and deeply hated)