Need advice

zabka

Hi all! I just joined needing support , advice, somewhere to vent. My mother has had several mini strokes (TIA) in the past few years. Since then she has rapidly declined with memory, decision making, daily functioning etc. She is now diagnosed with mixed dimentia (vascular dimentia and alzheimers). It explains her increased symptoms, but she still lives in her home with my 90yr old step dad (that also needs help, is deaf and cant help her). both refuse nursing, homecare, dosette for medication, meals on wheels etc. I am one of two of her children but the only caregiver and also POA. My brother has no relationship with mom and doesn't want to be involved at all.
So i assist with all (medication, meals, groceries bill payments, Drs appointments, etc etc. Because although I have POA and access to finances, she refuses to let me hire help etc. I hired homecare and she fires them telling them they were useless. I am becoming increasingly burnt out.
What I could use advice on is how to help someone who asks for help but then becomes upset that she needs the help and lashes out verbally and physically. I've drawn limits and end visit or help when this happens to remove myself from situation. Recently she follows me when I try to leave the room or go outside and tells me I will regret not helping her when she does or if she does its my fault for not helping etc.. Its hard to get away for my own mental and physical health.

How do any of you deal with it when asked for reminders but then when gently reminding, it upsets the person and I hear that its because of these reminders shes getting worse. She will sob out loud for extended periods of time. If I stop reminding her, she also gets upset and things don't get done. I'm truly not trying to upset her but appointments need going to etc .
I asked the drs for advice but have only been told to keep it up, give grace and I'm doing a good job.
That doesn't help in any way because I need true suggestions on certain situations I run into daily.

I don't know how to respond anymore with things like "can I tell you something or can I ask a question?" The simple answer is yes and hope she will tell me or ask her question but then she doesnt. So I wait patiently, nothing, nothing for longer, so now I gently prompt her by saying "you can ask your question or tell me what you wanted to tell me". She gets very upset and agitated and it turns into a mental or physical session on me again.

What about when her husband texts and tells me to "think before I speak" and that its my fault shes always upset and that I'm driving her crazy. Sadly, I'm also going crazy from 20 calls and 18 emails a day from her, daily multiple visits to help and 18 doctors calling to talk to me about how she is doing, all while trying to also care for my own family. I don't respond to his texts.

Its getting worse daily and she should be in a home. We did a trial after she broke her hip, I placed her in retirement home but I was contacted by then telling me she was a "problem" and upsetting other resistents and they insisted she be picked up and leave. So that doesn't help. Back home we go.

Any advice would be sincerely appreciated. I love her, am the only person that she has that can help (or wants to). My husband cannot take watching her abuse me and feels shes playing "games" with us. I explain its not a game and sadly this is how she is and needs hekp. My daughter (20) has tried to help with cleaning etc but has told me its too difficult on her as she cant get anything done without being followed , criticized , listening to her insult me etc. So she said she cant help anymore.

Any support, advice would be sincerely appreciated. If not for anything, thank you for letting me have a space to vent.

Best to all going through difficult times.

H1235

Welcome. I’m glad you found our group. When my mom needed to move to a nursing home she was extremely angry with me. She did not want to go. As the DPOA I signed all the paperwork and she went. It was not a discussion. If you had problems with this before maybe the facility wasn’t able to provide enough care. There is medication that can help with anger without causing her to turn into a zombie. I would strongly recommend you find a place, get her in, and refuse to take her home if there are problems. They will either help you find a different place for her or make sure she gets the medication she needs. People with dementia are aging in reverse. She is a child. We don’t let a child have whatever they want because it’s not safe for them. Continuing to live in her home is not safe. You may even have trouble with adult protective services if you continue to let her stay in an unsafe environment. We want out loved ones to be happy, but sometimes (a lot of the time) we have to settle for safe. I will just add a few tips that may be helpful in general. Never try to reason with her! It will only leave to an argument. You don’t need to tell her everything or even consult her. You don’t need to get her approval. Do things behind her back if it will make things easier. It’s ok to fib! Tell her she needs to go to the facility for more rehabilitation if necessary. Avoid any topic that may set her off. Apologize for everything she thinks you have done wrong without correcting her. It’s so hard! Never ever mention her dementia symptoms or limitations. This will make her angry. Many with dementia have anosognosia. It’s an inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. It’s very difficult to deal with. I was so relieved to hear this is a real thing. I will attach some resources I hope will be helpful.

DBAT.pdf

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts (2).pdf

https://iona.org/therapeutic-fibs-ok/

zabka

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76484/need-advice

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276700#Comment_276700

Thank you so so much for replying and all of your support. I went today to doctor to discuss medication but he told me that because my mom has other medical conditions (lupus anticoagulant disorder and others) that there is no medication that he recommends prescribing because it will do more harm and rapidly progress her symptoms.

He suggested I do what you suggested which is to just get things done, and in many cases that's what I've been doing to ease the stress on her. I've got to continue working at it. Boy its a full time job..

I was trying not to do things behind her back but it is clear she doesn't really understand what she is doing and becomes overwhelmed, agitated and angry so I guess it needs to be done that way to prevent that. How sad.

Re: placing her.. I've been given a list of places today, but the doctor said it'll be a horrible thing for me to place her while shes kicking and screaming. Yes it will be. Its just so horribly sad about all of this and the stress that will put on her. ..and I'm sorry you went through this also. My heart breaks daily .. I don't know if I'm as strong as you but I am going to try my hardest to get her placed correctly.

I've been reading this forum as well your resources. Blessings to all here. I know I am grateful. Thank you.