How to respond when they are confused over reality and what they believe

shiawase12

Sorry this post is so long. Guess I really needed to vent in addition to asking this question.

Here I am again after a while away. Seems life with my DH has consumed me a bit. I realize I need to come out from that and get back into reading posts here and asking for help.

My DH is mid stage 5, but still able to care for his daily needs. He enjoys doing projects around the house and yard although I often make up things for him just to keep him busy and feeling useful.

Recently my youngest son has come to stay with us for a few months. We live on an island so when he has to go into town for work he stays at a friend's and is only here on his days off. I'm sure that is confusing enough for my DH as my son's schedule changes from week to week.

But my question is more about my son's girlfriend who comes to visit from time to time. DH loves having her around as she takes the time to engage him in conversations and listens to him.

She was just here over the 4th weekend, but went back to work and back to her own home this morning. She'll be back on Wed to visit again for just one night.

All of this has been explained and mentioned to DH numerous times. But of course he forgets. This evening when my son came home DH asked me where she was. I tried to tell him once again that she was not coming back today, but I get meet with his usual anger and " Noone tells me these things!" And "forget it!"

I know there is no convincing him that he has been told numerous times etc. How do you respond? I'm just so tired of always apologizing and being ŧhe seemingly heartless person that keeps things from him.

Its constant now with him saying I never told him this or that and he gets angry over it most of the time. Of course in his calm moments he's told me to just be kind to him and gentle in speaking to him. "Just say this..." or that. And I do start out gently and kindly, but when he gets angry and yells at me etc. It's so hard to stay calm and take the blame for it all.

How do you do it?

Ed's mom

Since joining this chat I've learned more patience than I ever imagined. Learning from people that have already been there has helped me immensely.

I got it. Can't reason, talk calmly and explain. I'll apologize, take the blame, whatever. But like you, sometimes I start calm but it escalates until I'm yelling and the battle is on. Since coming here and hearing others it's 95% better, I'm not as depressed which makes everything easier.

But sometimes I want to beat it into her head " I've told you every day the dog's peanut butter is in the door", it's always been there for four years. "Well, that's new, you never told me" 10am and the tone for the day is set. These are the days I want to run away.

trottingalong

it’s a learning curve. Say something like “I thought she was coming also, I will go ask…” or “her schedule changes so often I’m not sure when she’s coming. I will ask. My husband would get upset thinking I hadn’t told him something I had. I’ve learned NEVER to tell him I already mentioned blah blah blah. Short term memory is gone, they just cannot retain new information. Believe me, it will make your life much easier. Also, keep the tone of your voice light, not irritated. Good luck.

Johnnydog

I had an issue with my DH and one of his meds - he always wanted to take it sooner thinking we had not already done so. I started marking the calendar, showing him when we did it, then taking him to the calendar when he raised the issue. That solved it for that very nicely. I wonder if there's some way you could do that with her visits?

JesseLee

"Her schedule changed" good suggestion. Good suggestion, and good luck. PS- that wasn't a long post and even if it was that's what this board is for. You don't need to apologize for anything.

jfkoc

It is probable that your husband is missing the company of the young woman. Why not address that fact by saying that you do not know and that you miss her company too. You might actually have an interesting conversation.

dcare45

My DW is just a little past that stage I think.

The phrases I use most are ; Im sorry, oh I thought I did, can I help, oh I didn’t mean to. I stopped trying to explain or rationalize things. That game you cannot win. Even if I could what am I winning , DW will just shortly forget anyway. When I start to get frustrated I walk away for a couple minutes. Remind myself it’s not her it’s Dementia and don’t take it personally. Believe me the frustration still happens. I know I have to control the situation because she cannot.

Dusty217

I find having everything on a Calander and white board is helping right now. My DH checks that daily. I often have him write it as sometimes (not always) helps him remember. We are still early stage. Biggest issue he has is not knowing how to use his phone for things like voice male and he struggles with remotes and multiple plugs. He gets short when I try to help but usually gives up and hands it to me to do. I know it's jus the beginning of all of this.

hhen

My mom would also get upset about things like this and say the same if my husband and I were visiting or something else happened out of the norm.

We have found the validation method to be effective:

https://www.verywellhealth.com/using-validation-therapy-for-people-with-dementia-98683

In this case, I think what people have suggested, that her schedule changes often, is a good one. Another technique might be to say you think she will be there soon and then redirect by talking about some fun thing they did last time or something you like about her to get him talking about something slightly different.

MaryMN

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/276817#Comment_276817

My DH's occupational therapist suggested this - calendar/white board placed in a prominent place that DH was responsible for writing the day's activities on (with my help). As with most things, it was a short-term fix, but it definitely reduced the number of arguments at the time.

shiawase12

Thank you all for your suggestions and sympathy/understanding.

Patience is really it ... having patience they it all. <sigh>

Sometimesin the moment it's hard to find the right words, but I'll keep working at it for sure. I'll re-read all these great suggestions a few times over so I will be more prepared. :)

Thanks again and I hope you all have some moments to cherish and take care of yourselves too. 💕

Michele P

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76493/how-to-respond-when-they-are-confused-over-reality-and-what-they-believe

We use a daily calendar that lists all of the activities and then place those activities or appointments on a whiteboard. You can refer him back to either one to look at what is going on that day. I would put on the whiteboard the day and date that she is coming back to visit. This is not easy. Everyone here knows what you are going through.

ronda b

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76493/how-to-respond-when-they-are-confused-over-reality-and-what-they-believe

Try using a calendar and marking when she will be there. Hang it on the frig or something. Mark off the days till she gets there. Had to do that with my Dh and it did help most of the time

H1235

I’m not good at thinking on my feet. I get frustrated and don’t know what to say or how to word it. Early on I think I would make my responses more complicated than they needed to be. If I know a topic like this is going to come up I will even plan in advance how I might respond. I have found just being vague works fairly well. Things like - I don’t know, I’ll look into that, that’s interesting, are easy responses to pull out of nowhere.

lzerbe

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76493/how-to-respond-when-they-are-confused-over-reality-and-what-they-believe

My LO's brain isn't there anymore the Alzheimer's brain has taken over her body. There is no reasoning, no discussing, just agreeing. You are not alone, not crazy and I agree with all the responses. I also think we shouldn't deny ourselves the opportunity to vent, to release the stress and tension. Years ago, I would have gone to the gym or for a long run. Physically I can't do that anymore, so I do resort to the occasional scream. And I also find writing my thoughts down a huge relief.

B Lynn

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76493/how-to-respond-when-they-are-confused-over-reality-and-what-they-believe

I’m so sorry. I’m dealing with a spouse that suddenly seems to have a very limited to non-existent short term memory. It’s hard, it’s frustrating, he’s reactive, we fight. He does not recognize he has a problem.It often turns back on me. I go looking for something where I last saw it. It’s not there because he moved it! I ask him about & of course he knows nothing about it. It’s SO very frustrating. I explain where it was last at & what it looked like. He has no idea. This is happening more & more frequently. I have also found myself in a similar situation as yours and being told ”the next time tell me”. Presently I have responded wby telling him that I did tell him and when. For now that usually suffices. As disagreeable as he’s becoming when I ask him where it put something that could change. I wish I had a better answer to your question. It’s really hard living with someone who has very little if any short term memory. Thankfully for you, your still liked to do things around the house. I have trouble getting mine to follow through with anything. He might do a little then tells me he’s tired & has to rest. I hope someone will respond with some better suggestions for you.