Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

ahabs

My mom moved in with my wife and me about 5 years ago (all my wife's wishes). The dynamics have been rough especially with a language barrier. I'm stuck translating and lately the fights are bad. My mom doesn't want to have caregivers on Sunday late afternoons 2-6pm so that my wife and I can have date night. She wants to rest and get ready for daycare the next day without having to entertain anyone in our home. My wife just wants us to have peace of mind knowing someone is there for those four hours allowing us to enjoy a carefree afternoon. I want to compromise and do every other Sunday, but my wife won't budge on this. She claims negotiating will only make my mom's tantrums about having a caregiver on Sundays worse. The same caregiver comes on Tuesdays since I work from home and takes my mom out on walks and shopping. She doesn't mind her on Tuesdays but hates her on Sunday afternoons. The caregiver's sister comes on Saturdays from 9-1 and she behaves fine with her. Are we being unreasonable by enforcing Sunday evenings as well?

JulietteBee

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. However, I must say that I agree with your wife.

You said it was your wife's decision to take in your mother. She did not have to. Dils are not obligated to taking care of aging inlaws.

With that said, if her ONLY ask is to get 4 hours of respite, once a week, to preserve her marriage, you need to move Heaven and Earth to get it done.

Your mom will be upset. Too bad. You and you alone have to lay down the rules of your house and mom has no say.

There is no need to consult mom on what you should do. Hire the person and right before the person arrives, tell mom that "Suzie" will be staying with her as you and "Mary" are going out for an evening out. Be dressed and ready to take your bride out the house as soon as "Suzie" arrives. Rinse and repeat weekly! The only exception is IFyou do not value your wife or her stated needs.

There is a saying, "Happy wife, happy life." Do with that as you wish. Also, remember you married your wife, not your mother. When mom is no longer alive, I assume you would still want to be married.

(Fictitious names supplied as I know none of the parties involved.)

H1235

I agree with your wife. The demands of a person with dementia can be unreasonable. It’s a slippery slope and if you give into one, I think you will find yourself giving into many more. If your mom can’t get used to it and becomes to difficult for the caregiver, then maybe it’s time for medication to help with anxiety. Even this would not be your wife’s fault. Anger and anxiety are a common part of dementia. Your wife is making a huge sacrifice by having your mom come live with you. This request is not out of line in my opinion.

pamu

Your wife sounds like a saint! If that's all she asks for then you need to respect that. She loves your mom enough to take care of her and loves you so much that she wants to carve time out for the two of you. Your mom will not understand and reasoning is out the window. It's only going to get harder as your mom's disease progresses. Make the arrangements for her care and go. If mom has a hard time with this and her behavior becomes unmanageable because of it then you may have to consider alternate FT care for your mom at some point. Medication can also help if she's feeling agitated or if sundowning is contributing to this. My mom can turn into a different person after 2pm. Also, my mom has absolutely NO empathy at this point (She is level 5-6). She even asked me recently if my husband and I were together (who she absolutely adores) and was disappointed when I said were still married because she thought I would take her out of MC to live with her. She also questions me on why I have to work and why my husband can't pick up our kids and do errands (he commutes during the week so I'm on car duty for school and sports). I'm not saying your mom will behave this way, but it's a slippery slope and her needs will increase. Wishing you the best!

SusanB-dil

Hi Ahabs - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Well, this is going to make it unanimous… I agree that at least just 4 hours is not much to ask for.

It was gracious of your wife to have your mom live with you, but probably not at the cost of you. I don't want to sound harsh at all, but as long as mom is taken care of, you should let your wife know you really appreciate her first, actually.

notequipped

I’ll get right to the point - No. She attends adult daycare so you’re aware that she requires supervision. Your wife has been more than accommodating and her request is quite reasonable. As is your weekly outing together. The thing that stands out to me in your scenario is that your Mom thinks that she needs to entertain the caregiver. If you want to humor your Mom, tell her that she can go rest while the caregiver completes some non-existent task for you while you’re out. I know that my husband’s big fear with my Mom is that she lacks impulse control. If she were to find herself in a bad situation as a result of that, she would not be able to call 911, etc. Does your Mom’s caregiver need to be in the same room with her or is it sufficient that someone is in the house? Maybe install a camera or two and have the caregiver do some ‘office work’ in an area where she can safely and unobtrusively monitor your Mom.

Please don’t even consider giving up your weekly outings.

psg712

That weekly 4 hour outing might be the pressure valve you and your wife both need to stay steady in your marriage while continuing the hard job of caring for someone with dementia. That said, I know how hard it is to feel that you are letting your mom down. In this situation, mom just doesn't have the understanding or empathy for you and wife. She is no longer able to grasp her own needs, let alone yours. It's up to you to make decisions without her input, and sometimes without her agreement. It's really hard for many of us, when we were raised to respect and obey our parents. But now she is more like a child than a parent. Tough change for her and for you.

ajzjmsmom

I will have to agree with everyone else. Thank goodness you have an understanding wife who was willing to bring your mother language barrier and all into your home and take care of her. Seems like 4 hours is very little to ask and it seems as though your wife fully understands how to deal with a dementia patient, no matter their relation.

TBH your mom will no longer be happy with anything, the dementia will make sure of that.

harshedbuzz

I'm with your wife on this. A marriage needs constant nurturing; more so when there is much stress in the lives of both partners.

The person who doesn't have the capacity to recognize they need care, is too impaired to have a vote on this.

HB

towhee

This is an agree- But. You have to be careful and cautious about how you do this.

From what you say your mother accepts daycare on Monday, a sitter on Tuesday and Saturday. Does she also go to daycare Wed thru Friday or does your wife care for her? That acceptance of care is a blessing and if you read some posts here, not at all a given. You want to be cautious so you do not negatively impact that acceptance. A couple of things to consider:

One- social interaction with others, especially strangers, is mentally and physically tiring to people with dementia. Just like a three year old, they might seem to be a little grouchy, and then they have a tantrum the size of mt krakatoa for no reason or not enough of one in your opinion and they cannot be reasoned or consoled out of it. Their brain and emotions just can not function properly when they are tired and this reaction can carry over into the next days.

Two- a person with dementia is operating on the habits and routines of a lifetime. Maybe weekday work is seen as being very important, and being out of the house is normal during the week. Maybe Sunday afternoon has always been when the family stayed at home and rested and the concept of date night either does not exist or is unimportant in her experience.

So I would get it to try to be something she can understand and not just force it on her, as she has been very accepting so far.

Victoriaredux

I agree with the rest about holding firm on the weekly date but wonder if you have planned for the future —at some point the physical care for Mother will increase —will she stay in your home or are you exploring MC homes?

If you haven't ,researching costs and available homes in your area that can speak your Mom's language would be helpful if an emergency comes up.