Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. However, I must say that I agree with your wife.

You said it was your wife's decision to take in your mother. She did not have to. Dils are not obligated to taking care of aging inlaws.

With that said, if her ONLY ask is to get 4 hours of respite, once a week, to preserve her marriage, you need to move Heaven and Earth to get it done.

Your mom will be upset. Too bad. You and you alone have to lay down the rules of your house and mom has no say.

There is no need to consult mom on what you should do. Hire the person and right before the person arrives, tell mom that "Suzie" will be staying with her as you and "Mary" are going out for an evening out. Be dressed and ready to take your bride out the house as soon as "Suzie" arrives. Rinse and repeat weekly! The only exception is IFyou do not value your wife or her stated needs.

There is a saying, "Happy wife, happy life." Do with that as you wish. Also, remember you married your wife, not your mother. When mom is no longer alive, I assume you would still want to be married.

(Fictitious names supplied as I know none of the parties involved.)

Your wife sounds like a saint! If that's all she asks for then you need to respect that. She loves your mom enough to take care of her and loves you so much that she wants to carve time out for the two of you. Your mom will not understand and reasoning is out the window. It's only going to get harder as your mom's disease progresses. Make the arrangements for her care and go. If mom has a hard time with this and her behavior becomes unmanageable because of it then you may have to consider alternate FT care for your mom at some point. Medication can also help if she's feeling agitated or if sundowning is contributing to this. My mom can turn into a different person after 2pm. Also, my mom has absolutely NO empathy at this point (She is level 5-6). She even asked me recently if my husband and I were together (who she absolutely adores) and was disappointed when I said were still married because she thought I would take her out of MC to live with her. She also questions me on why I have to work and why my husband can't pick up our kids and do errands (he commutes during the week so I'm on car duty for school and sports). I'm not saying your mom will behave this way, but it's a slippery slope and her needs will increase. Wishing you the best!

I’ll get right to the point - No. She attends adult daycare so you’re aware that she requires supervision. Your wife has been more than accommodating and her request is quite reasonable. As is your weekly outing together. The thing that stands out to me in your scenario is that your Mom thinks that she needs to entertain the caregiver. If you want to humor your Mom, tell her that she can go rest while the caregiver completes some non-existent task for you while you’re out. I know that my husband’s big fear with my Mom is that she lacks impulse control. If she were to find herself in a bad situation as a result of that, she would not be able to call 911, etc. Does your Mom’s caregiver need to be in the same room with her or is it sufficient that someone is in the house? Maybe install a camera or two and have the caregiver do some ‘office work’ in an area where she can safely and unobtrusively monitor your Mom.

Please don’t even consider giving up your weekly outings.

I will have to agree with everyone else. Thank goodness you have an understanding wife who was willing to bring your mother language barrier and all into your home and take care of her. Seems like 4 hours is very little to ask and it seems as though your wife fully understands how to deal with a dementia patient, no matter their relation.

TBH your mom will no longer be happy with anything, the dementia will make sure of that.

This is an agree- But. You have to be careful and cautious about how you do this.

From what you say your mother accepts daycare on Monday, a sitter on Tuesday and Saturday. Does she also go to daycare Wed thru Friday or does your wife care for her? That acceptance of care is a blessing and if you read some posts here, not at all a given. You want to be cautious so you do not negatively impact that acceptance. A couple of things to consider:

One- social interaction with others, especially strangers, is mentally and physically tiring to people with dementia. Just like a three year old, they might seem to be a little grouchy, and then they have a tantrum the size of mt krakatoa for no reason or not enough of one in your opinion and they cannot be reasoned or consoled out of it. Their brain and emotions just can not function properly when they are tired and this reaction can carry over into the next days.

Two- a person with dementia is operating on the habits and routines of a lifetime. Maybe weekday work is seen as being very important, and being out of the house is normal during the week. Maybe Sunday afternoon has always been when the family stayed at home and rested and the concept of date night either does not exist or is unimportant in her experience.

So I would get it to try to be something she can understand and not just force it on her, as she has been very accepting so far.