Actively dying

tonyac2

The Hospice Home Health Aide, arrived on Thursday, June 25 to give my husband a bath. He was sleepier than usual and at the end of her visit she said, “I think your husband is actively dying.” I said no, he will bounce back, he always bounces back. He’s had days like this where he just sleeps. She said I don’t think he’s going to bounce back, I’ll report this to the nurse and have her come and evaluate him. The nurse came, did her evaluation and confirmed that he was in the active dying stage.
I called the family together as well as neighbors and they all had some one-on- one time with him. The nurse advised me to give him the Oxycodone when he appeared to have pain in addition to once every eight hours. Throughout the day Friday, I tried using a warm washcloth to try and keep his eyes clean. He was agitated by that so I stopped. Eventually, only his left eye would open as the other one had crusted shut. I tried using those little sponges on a stick like a lollipop with water on it to give him a little liquid, but he didn’t want it so I just put it on his lips. I think one of the hardest parts of watching him actively die was the death rattle. This went on for probably six or seven hours and got significantly louder and more labored the closer he got to the end. The hospice nurse said that it was harder on those listening than it is on the person experiencing it. So that provided some relief.I asked her what makes that sound. She said as your body shuts down it no longer swallows because it uses all of its energy to focus on the larger organs. Your saliva collects in your throat and vibrates against your vocal cords making that terrible rattling sound

I spent the day Friday wiping his forehead with a cloth, leaning down and kissing him, and whispering in his ear how much I loved him and how lucky I was to have him as my husband.
Friday evening around 8:30PM I was pacing around and my step daughter and my sister said, “let’s go take Cody for a walk.” We did and got back around 8:50. My stepdaughter said let’s go check on dad. She was directly looking at him and I was right by his head to the left side. He opened his left eye very wide, and it was very clear and my stepdaughter squealed like a little girl and said, “I see you dad, you see me”. He tried to get up and then made a few little jerking motions, and he was gone. I bent over and kissed him and I whispered “I’ll see you later, sweetheart.”

There is no way any dr on earth outside of hospice that would provide enough pain medicine so he could stay comfortable in his last hours. I’m go glad I signed him up in April.

A lot of other things went on, but this is just what sticks out to me right now

Watching my husband, die, and watching him take his last breath made me think that there’s an oddity with birth and death. Both require labor — I watched my husband labor with death for 33 hours. I’m comforted to know that he is home with the Lord, and yes, I will see him again.

sfrsythe

Thank you for sharing your experience. Blessings to you my dear one!

jen ht

@tonyac2 💜🫂🙏 Thank you for sharing with us. Lifting up a prayer for you and your dear husband.

cdgbdr

Prayers for you and thank you for sharing this.

annie51

Thank you for sharing this with us. May you find peace and comfort as you navigate Stage 8. Sending hugs and prayers.

White Crane

God bless you with peace and comfort in the coming days. Thank you for sharing his last hours with us. And thank you for the pictures. You were a wonderful caregiver and your love for him shown through in those pictures. God bless you. Sending hugs.
Brenda

harshedbuzz

@tonyac2

Thank you sharing your story and pictures. I'm glad you had the support of hospice and family.

HB

PS I love the picture of you both seated. They say soulmate couples start to resemble each other over time— but the pair of you with your gorgeous hair and matching glasses is perfection.

jgreen

Thank you @tonyac2 The pictures are beautiful and speak to the love you both shared.

God bless you and continue to watch over you.

Kat63

Thank you for sharing those last hours with us. My DH has been under hospice care now for exactly two years. Sometimes I feel like this could go on forever, but we all know that’s not the case. So again thank you for the post. And loved seeing the beautiful pictures. Blessing to you in Stage 8.

Chance Rider

@tonyac2

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with us and for including the beautiful pictures. Your love for your husband shines through. Hugs

blacksparky

May the Lord watch over you and the family as you grieve your loss. 🙏🙏🙏

marier

Thank you so much for sharing your story and the pictures. I am so sorry for your loss. You can see the love between you and your husband in your story and pics. Sending you hugs and prayers.

tonyac2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277892#Comment_277892

Haha! I love your observation.

jfkoc

Thank you for the photos and the share.

You are going to miss those eyes that held a twinkle.

It is a hard, strange time when we lose a love. I hope you will stay with us and perhaps join us on Lorita's porch, "I just need to talk to my friends".

dcare45

Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being a wonderful caring wife. I am so sorry for your loss. God bless you and your family.

CindyBum

Oh my dear. I'm so sorry to hear you've lost your love. What wonderful pictures! Your love for each other jumps out from them.

Big hug. May you find peace.

MaryMN

Thank you for sharing, especially the difficult stuff. Knowledge is power.

Anna2022

Thank you for sharing this part of your story. You did such a great job taking care of him! I hope the coming days and weeks are gentle with you.

shiawase12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76611/actively-dying

Thank you for sharing such an intimate time with us. May he rest in peace.

Sending hugs as you move into your next chapter of caregiving. 💕

GothicGremlin

I'm so sorry on the loss of your husband, @tonyac2 . Stage 8 takes a little while to get used to. When you can, take some time out for yourself.

Thank you for sharing your photos - I love the one where he's got ruffled hair and twinkling eyes. He could be an older rockstar.

Jgirl57

Lovely photos ! Please know how much this helps us prepare

tonyac2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277959#Comment_277959

Haha, Rockstar! He was a musician — brass band.

If you look closely at the second one from the bottom, you’ll see I bungee corded his feet to the foot rests. It got to the place where he couldn’t keep his feet in place, they’d slip off and drag under the wheelchair. So my solution was to bungee cord them in place so he wouldn’t get hurt from them dragging under the wheelchair. I MacGyvered 100’s of things during our journey. I think we all eventually become experts in work arounds.

GothicGremlin

@tonyac2 My intuition didn't fail me!! What did he play?

I did notice that you'd bungeed his feet - we did that too with my sister, for the same reason.

Absolutely agree - we develop skills we never knew we'd need.

Biggles

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing the details. The devotion of your Schnoodle Cody shows in the lovely photos. Our two year old Schnoodle Milo looks just like Cody and he is just as devoted to my DH. Take care in your next chapter.

tonyac2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/277986#Comment_277986

He had a music degree and taught in the public school system for a short period of time. He taught and played all the instruments but his passion was for the Cornet and Euphonium. He was very gifted singing, playing instruments including piano. That gene runs deep down two generations. His celebration of life was full of music — brass band, kids and grandkids singing and playing instruments. The evening after the celebration of life, I told his oldest son, “ your dad would have loved the program today.” He replied, “yup, he only missed it by a few days.” Dark humor in this one. :)

It’s on YouTube — Alan Carlson Memorial

dajdaj39

Thank you for sharing your last hours with your husband. The strength and tenderness you shared during your time are an inspiration. As a beginner in this process (a 75 yo beginner, yikes!), it helps so much to bear witness to those who are still loving and giving all the way through. Thank you.

Lethe

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76611/actively-dying

Thank you for sharing this. I think that is a rather profound insight that both birth and death require labor. I’m sorry for your deep loss.

WIGO23

I hope you are comforted by the memories you have. Your love for him is apparent and he felt it right to the end.