Struggling

dreamofstars

I posted back in April about my mother and struggling then. My Dad had also had hip surgery and everything spiraled out of control. Anyway things did calm down once my Dad recovered and was able to better manage the concept of working with my mother instead of against her Alzheimer's.

However things have of course progressed and from the symptom list my dad sent me and my brother and conversations we've had it's obvious that he has reached the end of his ability to cope with everything. He's basically living with someone who is constantly blaming him for every single thing and won't let him do anything to help. When he tries she just shouts at him. The situation is not sustainable or safe. She's on medication but it's not really helping anything… she's hit him multiple times when she gets stressed. She attacks him verbally over everything and on and on.

There's a plan to move her into assisted living/memory care but that's going to be a nightmare because she's going to resist going like she resists everything about the idea of help. If they'd been able to get an nurse or a caregiver in the apartment months ago things might be different but all any discussions did was trigger mom to get angry and violent. And Dad can't lie to save his life so there's no sneaking anyone in.

Anyway there's a plan but we have to get through the next couple of months which will be telling. And of course there are days when it's calm and Dad struggles with the idea of what they're going to do. She even managed to email him a picture that had been in family text chat that he missed originally (it was his favorite animal). I don't even know how she did it because I'm not even sure of all the steps require to get a picture from a text chat to an email and send it but she managed it somehow because she loves him……… so he's struggling with the idea that he's going to send her to assisted living against her will. (We're aware of possible legal issues because she is not yet conserved).

I don't know maybe if in the next month there aren't any big triggering events things can be reassessed and figured out but I have no idea. I'm not even there I'm an hour away and he's caring for her alone because she's not allowing any outside help. But she can't put together a menu, figure out what to buy that they don't already have, and when my dad helps she screams at him about how he doesn't know anything. None of his is sustainable.

April23

I’m so sorry. It’s so hard. I think we look for any ray of hope that things are getting better. But the reality is the disease doesn’t get better. You should make decisions based on their worst day, not their best. Those moments like the text are fleeting and while we should be happy when we see them, it’s not a sign of anything improving.

Has medication been discussed? Maybe a conversation with her doctor is worth a try.

ARIL

Oh, I am so sorry. This is very hard, and many aspects of your story are like the situation I faced with my dad and stepmom a few years ago. (Both are now in care facilities now.) I well remember the anguish and the lost sleep and the long drives and the endless brainstorming about what can be done. This is all hard and sad for everyone.

Does anyone have DPOA? If not, could that be arranged—for both of them? (And the DPOA should not be each other.) “We need to take care of this because we’re both getting older.” Maybe Dad could try that?

A person who is POA can determine the living arrangements. You don’t have to have guardianship.

Your description of your mom’s behavior sounds more like MC than AL. Just be aware of that. A PWD needs care sufficient for their worst days, not their best.

Putting it bluntly: Your dad is in danger. Violence is unacceptable even if we understand it’s the disease causing the aggression. When people on this platform (typically women) mention the violence of a PWD, the advice is usually to call 911 and ask for hospital transport and a geripsych evaluation.

Plus, if your dad needed emergency services, could she summon help? You are absolutely right: this is not sustainable. We know that. You know that. It sounds like your dad knows that.

It is hard to accept this sort of reality. Believe me, I have been there. Perhaps, as @April23 mentioned, a consultation with her doctor could help get a plan in place? You might also consider the Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 helpline. I wish I had known about that resource (and this forum) when I was floundering through this.

Hang in there. We understand and are with you.

dreamofstars

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280004#Comment_280004

I'll check on the DPOA . What does MC mean?

My dad has been working with my mom's doctor, his own contact and Alzheimer's Association, and other resources so he has people telling him the same thing about how she needs to go into assisted living. I think he's just really struggling with the dual sides of everything at the moment. But you're right - he IS in danger. Even without her being violent there are food issues in play as well because of the control she has over groceries and being triggered by him trying to do anything.

Thank you.

dreamofstars

Yeah that's what I told my dad - he needs to look at the full picture and the read the symptom list he sent us again. One moment of something normal doesn't change all of that.

ARIL

Sorry, there do tend to be a lot of abbreviations on this forum. MC is memory care.

Others are here:

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/64407/common-abbreviations

dreamofstars

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280022#Comment_280022

Oh I see what you meant! "more like needing memory care than assisted living" which is correct she will most likely go into memory care. I read AL as Alzheimer's because I thought you meant it sounded like she had something else rather than Alzheimer's

H1235

Keep in mind that a facility can have a waiting list to get in. I think we waited 6 months for my mil. It might be good to look around and get her on a waiting list. I would definitely not bring your mom. If there are a lot of options, you might even narrow it down before bringing your dad. In my experience, you would be called when she reaches the top of the list, if you’re not ready you would just get a call with the next opening. There may be a deposit necessary (I would make sure it’s refundable). If you really want to do assisted living, I would look for a place that offered a smooth transition to an associated memory care facility. If you haven’t looked yet, these places are crazy expensive. Are you aware of their financial situation? You might need to consider Medicaid at some point. This is something else to talk with a lawyer about. I also agree that someone needs dpoa. It might be best to present it as something that should be done because they are getting older vs bring up symptoms and dementia. An increase in medication might help, but given what you described it’s probably still not going to be enough to keep her with your dad. I found that the home environment was just a constant reminder of everything mom wanted to do, but couldn’t and didn’t realize it. It created so much anxiety and anger. Things are so crazy and busy in the beginning. It’s hard to know what to do and you have no idea where things are going. It’s hard.

dreamofstars

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280110#Comment_280110

All of those steps have been taken there is a site my dad likes and he's been in several conversations with them. There is an opening in the next couple months that he is considering taking and they know it. That part is all set.