Mom's REPETITIVE Calling on Cell Phone - HELP & SUGGESTIONS needed

Kelly Bode

Mom is calling siblings, extended family and friends a huge amount of times a day asking for assistance in moving her back to her home from care center. An example...my sister received 30 calls on Tuesday and by early afternoon yesterday had 15. My brother received 15 calls yesterday and his wife as well. Care staff indicate she carries cell at all times and is constantly fidgeting with it trying to call someone. Mom even called 911 and police showed up at care center. We have a family split 2 to 2 on removing the phone. Mom's cell phone is on my sisters verizon plan and this sister will not acknowledge or take action on our request to remove cell phone. I've discussed options of having care staff take phone away in the evening when her last meds are administered and returning the next morning when meds are done. Putting parental controls on the phone allowing only calls in the evening. Turning off phone - I do not think at this stage Mom would know how to turn on. Discontinuing Mom's phone. I requested that all phone numbers be deleted from her phone with the exception of the four of us. Taking the phone away for 1 to 2 days to see what happens. I am frustrated. Mom's anxiety and paranoia is going thru the roof because we are not answering all of the calls.

Has anyone had experience with
1) removal of the cell phone all together? what happened?
2) how to deal with my sisters who want Mom to keep the phone?

April23

Who has POA? if it's you and you decide it's time for the phone to go, then once it's gone I'm sure sister will not want to continue paying for it.

My dad's phone got washed at a rehab center so that made it go away and he never missed it. The phone is causing stress to everyone, mom included. Too many 911 calls may make the decision for you.

lisn2cats

Oh my gosh, this is giving me flashbacks and shivers. My mom was (and still a little bit) obsessed with her cell phone. While I was the one she called and texted incessantly, she often made repeated calls and sent strange texts (sometimes mean) to her friends. It was horrible and I wanted to "accidentally" run over the phone with my car.

But then she said something that made me pause…she said it was her last lifeline to the "outside" world and, without it, she felt so lonely and isolated (partly due to language barriers). She also was using the messaging as a way to work out her thoughts and feelings. She would hit send without realizing or understanding that we were actually receiving every rambling, sometimes awful, thought she was having.

I used the block feature almost all of the time (because she would call 10x-plus in a row while at work and I needed my phone to be on) and I asked her friends to do the same. As her everything (cognitive, coordinating the litte teeny phone keys - which also led to issues around calling) declined, I got her a memory phone, which has really helped. It's photo-based so it's clear who she is calling and there are features that can be set - like a long button hold to start the call (instead of instant touch), quiet time setting (with a voice feature), etc. The phone doesn't do much, but neither does my mom. It can call, video call, and text. And I have full control of the her phone remotely (and she doesn't know). And I can set reminders, including when to charge her phone.

IDK. I think I would be lost without my phone because she's right - it's her only communication to the former life and outside world. At least now I can control just how much access she has (like her AL home and their exit doors).

(I guess the other plus is I don't have siblings to contradict me…I am guessing from above that whoever has the POA is the final decision-maker?)

SusanB-dil

For yourself, don't pick up. Call her when you want to, maybe once an evening. Block her calls the remainder of the time.

Agree with the fact that the one who has POA will need to dictate removing the phone. But if she is calling 9-1-1, they should really think it a much more serious matter.

lisn2cats

I was looking back at my notes (there's so much to keep track of!), and found an email from one of my mom's caregivers/nurses who noted that her excessive use and obsession with phone was mostly likely increased anxiety. Looking back, I can totally see why her anxiety was throught the roof! Anyway, they prescribed an anti-anxiety med (Zoloft), which - I'm not kidding - dialed her down many notches. Earlier this year, they adjusted her dosage. it's not a cure-all, but it does seem to have an effect.

Hahaha-moment was last week when I was the one calling her over and over because she hadn't rung me for a couple of days. When she finally picked up, she asked why I was calling so much and she was "busy". Turns out she was busy watching movies and talking in the social room.

JulietteBee

I am my mom's only, so I went through the phase of her calling me multiple times per day, many of them back to back. I had to select which calls to accept and which to let go to vm. If I spoke to her within the hour, I ignored all the follow-up calls. I told her to write down whatever came to mind in the interim, and we would discuss the next time we spoke. I got it to the point of no more than 3 times per day; always a morning and bedtime check-in, along with a random call.

Their boredom and frequent calls will drive you insane. If your sister who is paying for the phone does not mind the calls, let her accept them all. If you have a Samsung phone, each caller can get their own ringtone. Select a "Silent" or a "Single beep" ringtone for mom's number.

Kelly Bode

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280434#Comment_280434

I'm POA as well as my sister. The phone is on my sisters Verizon plan.

Kelly Bode

She is still threatening to call 911 in an attempt to move back to her home. This is all that she thinks about and the anxiety of no one answering her calls increases her stress.

I showed Mom her recent call history the other day which reflected multiple calls and she replied. I did not make those calls, someone else did. Her short term memory is GONE.

She is also calling her grandkids asking them to move her home. Even my sisters ex-husband of 20+ years.

H1235

That makes for a difficult situation when you are joint DPOA. In my opinion it is anxiety and a discussion with her doctor is probably necessary. I also wonder if taking the phone away may help. Out of site out of mind. I would think the calls to 911 would be considered a nuisance calls and may come with some consequences if they continue. No idea what that might be, but she is tying up community resources (in my opinion). Could you set up a meeting with the don and/or doctor and get their opinion. Maybe use their opinion to help you and your sister make the final decision. I feel for you. You’re going to have a long road ahead of you with a co DPOA that is not in the same page.

Quilting brings calm

If she continues to call 911 for non- emergency stuff, they will instruct ( demand) that you take the phone. Since your mom claims not to have made the calls… take the phone with the fiblet that you will take it to the give store to find out what is going on. Then fib for a while about how it’s taking them a while to research.

The facility will call you if they need you.

Every person that is getting called needs to call your sister every time they get called. Maybe a couple weeks of her being annoyed every one of them get annoyed will help her see reason.

caregiving daughter

I think your post is bringing back such difficult memories to many of us. Your mom doesn't need the phone. Making calls is distressing herself and others.

I would recommend you have a facilitator sit down with your family. It's the phone now but there is going to be more disagreement among siblings going forward. You need an objective person, who can become the bad guy, to facilitate a discussion on what issues the poa should just handle as best as they sit fit and what should go out to a vote.

The illness is already ravaging your loved one, it should not take your family and alls' peace with it.

SiberianIris

Mom has been in memory care for 1 year. We did not bring her phone. The MC director said only one patient had their own phone, but it was up to us if we wanted her to have one. Mom has mentioned not having a phone only one time, and that was soon after her move. I told her "I'll look into it", and that was the last time I heard about it.

Prior to her move to MC, the phone had become a real problem with constant calls at all hours. For mom, it seems the phone is now "out of sight, out of mind". For the rest of us, it's been peace of mind.

Gravelback

First Thank you for posting this challenge you are having. we have been experiencing the very same situation for the last 7 weeks. I am sorry you are going through this, it's tough. This is my first time onto this forum, and your questions have helped me see we are not alone in this.

We were always getting hang up phone calls constantly and could not figure out why. At the end of July my mother moved in with us as her partner was admitted to hospital. We were then able to see how much anxiety the I-phone was causing, we took it away immediately. She would ask all the time where it was, we would just say the battery was dead and it was charging. She was just fine with that answer and would ask again in an hour. Eventually she stopped asking.

Now she is in memory care (MC) and adjusting. The care coordinator suggested we do not put a phone in her room and we did not. Every day she was requesting to call me (on their facility phone) wanting to speak to the police, her lawyer or anyone that would move her home. The MC home has been very helpful with solutions; they appear to have seen everything before. For the past week the calls have stopped after they took more control in access to phone.

It feels like we could write a book on everything over the last 7 weeks, but this is short response to your question.

Thank you again for sharing, you are not alone in this and may find removing the cell phone helps as we did.

sandwichone123

My dh got where he was calling me a dozen or more times a day. I silenced his ringtone, which helped, but I could tell he was calling when there were people around and even during meals. Eventually I took his phone and made up a great story about getting it fixed, but he never asked about it. Once it was gone, he was able to engage in the activity without the distraction of the phone.

terei

Phones quite working all the time and need to be fixed. Turn it off or remove the battery…whatever and then take it to be ‘fixed’ . Many times with AZ patients, out of sight is out of mind. The more she uses it, the more obsessive about it she will be. She does not need a phone. The facility will call if you need to be contacted.

Kelly Bode

Update on my prior post. The Director did request a family care meeting on 8/21. At this meeting the discussion focused on two topics 1) Mom's anxiety and constant fidgeting with phone and 2) how to help decrease her anxiety. I read an email response from ALZ Care support contact at the meeting which contained recommended ideas on phone & anxiety. After some intense conversation, two decisions made. Remove phone as a test with explanation something is wrong with phone and try med Lorazepam.

This resulted in a major difference in Mom's anxiety level going down. There has been a couple of occasions that Mom has used another residents phone to call my sister. On occasion Mom still demands the return of her phone and now my sister (we are both POA & Mom's phone is on my sisters plan) is considering giving the phone back. Her thought process is now that Mom has leveled out Mom could handle the phone again.

Her rationalization for giving phone back is that its hard to communicate upcoming appointments without being able to contact Mom. I shared with her that she could call Mom multiple times to remind her and she immediately forgets. This is the disease…short term memory loss…and it is not going to change. Her response was to ask the director of the care facility for her recommendation. Personally, if we keep staff informed via email of Mom's upcoming appointments that should work.

Has anyone in this community given a phone back to their loved one? And, what was the result?

ARIL

I am glad to hear you saw some improvement!

Discourage the return of the phone. Her brain is no longer capable of learning in the way it once did. You have seen improvements: don’t mess with that.

A PWD of my acquaintance was calling 911. The care facility removed the phone at the suggestion of the police. Things quieted down. Then the family brought in a new phone, because “we need to be able to call mom.” Calls to 911 resumed, and anxiety ramped up again. The police were more insistent this time.

When my dad moved to MC, no phone went along. When I needed to take him to appointments, I alerted the staff to have him ready at a specific time. Outside trips are no longer feasible. But this worked fine when we could do trips.

H1235

I am my moms DPOA. Most of my post involve venting about my unreasonable brother with his head in the sand insisting mom has a right to this this or that. I thought I had it bad. I am so so thankful I do not share DPOA with my brother. My heart really goes out to you. It must be so difficult trying to reason with her (your sister not your mom). I think giving your mom back the phone is only going to bring back the stress and anxiety. My brother has caused mom so much unnecessary stress. It’s heartbreaking. I what to protect her from his bad decisions, but sometimes I can’t. I imagine you are having similar feelings. So sorry.

sandwichone123

My brother got this https://memoryboard.com/collections/frontpage for my dad. I wasn't sure it was something he needed, but it's been helpful. The other advantage is that all the siblings can see the reminders that are posted and keep up to date on happenings.

Currently I have a message scheduled to show up tomorrow reminding him that I'm coming on Tuesday for a change and to bring a sweater when we go out.

terei

At a certain point, with every PWD, the phone has to go. Giving your mom information that she does not retain is just ramping up the frustration for YOU. There is a phrase ‘need to know’ . PWD do not need to know, if they cannot retain the information. Your mother will most likely forget entirely about the phone. Your sister seems to want to hang on to a fantasy that mom’s behavior can be modified from outside its own trajectory. She is wrong. Learning to manage her behavior is what is going to be the least stressful for all involved. Good luck

Kelly Bode

Today, while visiting with a another resident at the care facility, I found out that a resident Mom spends a lot of time with believes phone should be returned and tells Mom so. This is probably the core reason Mom recently asked my sister to have phone returned.