Mom's REPETITIVE Calling on Cell Phone - HELP & SUGGESTIONS needed

Oh my gosh, this is giving me flashbacks and shivers. My mom was (and still a little bit) obsessed with her cell phone. While I was the one she called and texted incessantly, she often made repeated calls and sent strange texts (sometimes mean) to her friends. It was horrible and I wanted to "accidentally" run over the phone with my car.

But then she said something that made me pause…she said it was her last lifeline to the "outside" world and, without it, she felt so lonely and isolated (partly due to language barriers). She also was using the messaging as a way to work out her thoughts and feelings. She would hit send without realizing or understanding that we were actually receiving every rambling, sometimes awful, thought she was having.

I used the block feature almost all of the time (because she would call 10x-plus in a row while at work and I needed my phone to be on) and I asked her friends to do the same. As her everything (cognitive, coordinating the litte teeny phone keys - which also led to issues around calling) declined, I got her a memory phone, which has really helped. It's photo-based so it's clear who she is calling and there are features that can be set - like a long button hold to start the call (instead of instant touch), quiet time setting (with a voice feature), etc. The phone doesn't do much, but neither does my mom. It can call, video call, and text. And I have full control of the her phone remotely (and she doesn't know). And I can set reminders, including when to charge her phone.

IDK. I think I would be lost without my phone because she's right - it's her only communication to the former life and outside world. At least now I can control just how much access she has (like her AL home and their exit doors).

(I guess the other plus is I don't have siblings to contradict me…I am guessing from above that whoever has the POA is the final decision-maker?)

I was looking back at my notes (there's so much to keep track of!), and found an email from one of my mom's caregivers/nurses who noted that her excessive use and obsession with phone was mostly likely increased anxiety. Looking back, I can totally see why her anxiety was throught the roof! Anyway, they prescribed an anti-anxiety med (Zoloft), which - I'm not kidding - dialed her down many notches. Earlier this year, they adjusted her dosage. it's not a cure-all, but it does seem to have an effect.

Hahaha-moment was last week when I was the one calling her over and over because she hadn't rung me for a couple of days. When she finally picked up, she asked why I was calling so much and she was "busy". Turns out she was busy watching movies and talking in the social room.

That makes for a difficult situation when you are joint DPOA. In my opinion it is anxiety and a discussion with her doctor is probably necessary. I also wonder if taking the phone away may help. Out of site out of mind. I would think the calls to 911 would be considered a nuisance calls and may come with some consequences if they continue. No idea what that might be, but she is tying up community resources (in my opinion). Could you set up a meeting with the don and/or doctor and get their opinion. Maybe use their opinion to help you and your sister make the final decision. I feel for you. You’re going to have a long road ahead of you with a co DPOA that is not in the same page.

I think your post is bringing back such difficult memories to many of us. Your mom doesn't need the phone. Making calls is distressing herself and others.

I would recommend you have a facilitator sit down with your family. It's the phone now but there is going to be more disagreement among siblings going forward. You need an objective person, who can become the bad guy, to facilitate a discussion on what issues the poa should just handle as best as they sit fit and what should go out to a vote.

The illness is already ravaging your loved one, it should not take your family and alls' peace with it.

First Thank you for posting this challenge you are having. we have been experiencing the very same situation for the last 7 weeks. I am sorry you are going through this, it's tough. This is my first time onto this forum, and your questions have helped me see we are not alone in this.

We were always getting hang up phone calls constantly and could not figure out why. At the end of July my mother moved in with us as her partner was admitted to hospital. We were then able to see how much anxiety the I-phone was causing, we took it away immediately. She would ask all the time where it was, we would just say the battery was dead and it was charging. She was just fine with that answer and would ask again in an hour. Eventually she stopped asking.

Now she is in memory care (MC) and adjusting. The care coordinator suggested we do not put a phone in her room and we did not. Every day she was requesting to call me (on their facility phone) wanting to speak to the police, her lawyer or anyone that would move her home. The MC home has been very helpful with solutions; they appear to have seen everything before. For the past week the calls have stopped after they took more control in access to phone.

It feels like we could write a book on everything over the last 7 weeks, but this is short response to your question.

Thank you again for sharing, you are not alone in this and may find removing the cell phone helps as we did.

Phones quite working all the time and need to be fixed. Turn it off or remove the battery…whatever and then take it to be ‘fixed’ . Many times with AZ patients, out of sight is out of mind. The more she uses it, the more obsessive about it she will be. She does not need a phone. The facility will call if you need to be contacted.

I am glad to hear you saw some improvement!

Discourage the return of the phone. Her brain is no longer capable of learning in the way it once did. You have seen improvements: don’t mess with that.

A PWD of my acquaintance was calling 911. The care facility removed the phone at the suggestion of the police. Things quieted down. Then the family brought in a new phone, because “we need to be able to call mom.” Calls to 911 resumed, and anxiety ramped up again. The police were more insistent this time.

When my dad moved to MC, no phone went along. When I needed to take him to appointments, I alerted the staff to have him ready at a specific time. Outside trips are no longer feasible. But this worked fine when we could do trips.

My brother got this https://memoryboard.com/collections/frontpage for my dad. I wasn't sure it was something he needed, but it's been helpful. The other advantage is that all the siblings can see the reminders that are posted and keep up to date on happenings.

Currently I have a message scheduled to show up tomorrow reminding him that I'm coming on Tuesday for a change and to bring a sweater when we go out.