I'm clueless, get frustrated, worried and and and and....

mdsidoti

Hi, this is the first time I've come here. I'm looking for some tactics to deal with a few situations. My wife of 31 years has been diagnosed with early onset Alz. She's 69, I'm 62. Aside from the sadness of accepting the life I thought we'd have when I retire in a few years, I'm struggling with some specific issues she has.

She will send me hurtful texts accusing me of being with numerous women, when I'm at work during the day.

I try to reassure her that I am not and that I care only for her. She gets angry and then won't answer her phone. I arrive home walking on eggshells until I know where she's at, in that moment.

The other thing is her belief she is not in our home and frequently find her packing up the bedroom stuff to take 'home'.

Any advice on a caring way to respond to these things would be appreciated. Thanks, Mark

BPS

No real advise just saying my wife had those delusions about me and arguing with her about the details won't help. Try to respond to the feeling of insecurity caused by this disease. When my wife would get these ideas I didn't really handle it very good, but I found if I reassured her that I was there for her and then I would tell her that I had to go do something in a different room and when I came back in 10 minutes she wouldn't bring it up again usually for the rest of the day. My experience probably won't work for you because she is calling when you are at work, but I just wanted to say that seems to be a fairly common delusion.

Dio

So sorry you have to join this group. I know you just joined but unsure of where you are at in this wretched journey. There are many helpful videos on YouTube on navigating the difficulties by Teepa Snow and Natali Edmonds/Dementia Careblazers. If you go to their channels and search on a particular topic, you'll find great advice. As each patient is different, so can the solution(s)…there won't be a cookie cutter solution. As for myself, dealing with my LO's delusions were addressed somewhat successfully by medication. Every document that required his signature was viewed as divorce papers for which he refused to sign. Those were extremely rough days until this phase passed. However, it was replaced by a new set of difficult behaviors.

Is your wife taking medication? Have you reached out to her neurologist?

jgreen

Welcome @mdsidoti Glad you found us.

So sorry about your DW’s diagnosis. Usually ‘early onset’ describes PWD under age 65. With your DW at age 69, do you think the doctor was saying ‘early stage’? Whether or not it is early onset or early stage, from the behaviors you described, I believe your DW is more in the middle stage of her Alzheimers.

One of the first tips that was given to me was ‘You cannot reason with someone whose reasoner is broken’. So explanations, facts, and arguments are going to end badly. You are doing the right thing by telling her that you only care for her. Try to understand what might trigger her paranoia - like a certain tv show, or a female neighbor coming by and then address what type of emotion she is exhibiting - if she is angry then say something like “I can see you are angry with me. I am so sorry! What can I do to help you feel better? Would you like to sit on the porch and tell me about your day?”

As for going home, my DH is constantly packing and trying to go someplace. I have heard this is a way to communicate that he is scared or upset with his circumstances and is looking for assurances and a feeling of safety. I will tell him that “I am here with you and we are safe here. As long as we are together things will be okay”

Do come back and let us know how you are doing. This is a terrific group and they will have all kinds of great advice from those who have ‘been there and done/tried that’. Take care.

tboard

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76913/im-clueless-get-frustrated-worried-and-and-and-and

There is one very important rule about living with someone who has Alzheimer's. Never argue with them because when you do so you are arguing with the disease. There is no point in arguing. No one wins. It is hard to do but we need to meet them where they are. Maybe you can help your wife pack and then take her out for ice cream? Tell her you love her and you are sorry she feels that way. You know her. Figure out something to say that isn't arguing or contradicting.

mdsidoti

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280593#Comment_280593

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/280586#Comment_280586

Thank you for the response

mdsidoti

Hello, thank you all for your responses. Curious….should we be seeing a Neurologist?. We have beeen seeing a Geriatrician every 5-6 months. Also, my wife has been taking Donepezil Hydrochloride 10mg for about a year. Wondering if other meds might help. Just don’t see much out there. Anyone have success with anything else?

storycrafter

Hello and welcome. Great advice already given above. Meds could certainly be of help, or at least worth trying. The geriatrician should be able to start you out with something and can refer you to a psychiatrist to manage that aspect - a psychiatrist knowledgeable about dementia, many are. When we first saw our primary care doctor for his FTD (undiagnosed at the time) the doctor immediately started my husband on a low dose of Quetiapine, referred him to a psychiatrist for fine tuning of meds (very helpful). The psychiatrist ended up referring us to a neuropsychologist for testing. The neuropsych doctor made a diagnosis and referred us to a neurologist for follow up. Other people may have different experiences with the sequencing of all that. ….. ….. It was the neuro-psychologist who was most helpful for us (very experienced with FTD-frontotemporal dementia and Alz) in determining a specific diagnosis; the psychiatrist was the most helpful regarding meds. The neurologist really wasn't much help for us and we no longer see one unless there is some drastic decline. My husband's primary care doctor now renews and manages all dh's prescriptions using the meds the other doctors ordered. ….. ….. ….. It's very helpful to have a written list of the specific behavior changes you are seeing when you speak with/see the doctors. I wish you the best. ~Helen

Dio

Seeing a neurologist is needed via referral by the primary care physician or psychiatrist, or if the patient is admitted via a trip to the ER. It is helpful to find out what is causing the dementia. Most people just automatically blame cognition and memory issues on Alzheimer's Disease, but there are so many other possible causes of dementia. Finding the cause will help in choosing the proper medication and care plan.