Struggling with distancing myself

Kris ann

My mother has recently been diagnosed with moderate level alzheimers. I have been able to distance myself as she has spiraled the last few years. Now, thanks to a tree falling on her house, I have been put in the middle of caring for her. She does not realize she cannot and was not caring for herself and continually attacks me that I have no right to be handling her business. She is currently living in assisted living and is on the list for MC when there is an opening. When I have taken her out of the facility the last time for bible study and church she has been verbally abusive the entire time in the car. Now I am struggling with not wanting to take her to these places or anywhere to preserve my own mental health knowing this will cause her to attack me even more.

SusanB-dil

Hi Kris ann - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Is she staying at your house, now? Have you looked into adult daycare through the week?

Does her doctor know she is this agitated. Please let her doc know. She may need something to dial back that behavior, and there are meds available without becoming zombied.

So sorry you are dealing with all that.

Kris ann

She is in AL presently waiting for an opening in MC. She was with me for 5 weeks. Her doctor did start her on medicine the beginning of September when she received the diagnoses. I was debating about calling and asking for an increased dosage prior to our appointment the end of October.

caregiving daughter

So much depends on your emotional state right now. Remember—you set the boundaries.

If you are fragile and it's taking a huge emotional toll to care for her, do not take her to bible study and church. Any contact should be made at the assisted living only, in the presence of others. If she becomes verbally abusive in her assisted living lobby, find a way to leave peacefully, e.g., look at your phone and say it's an emergency, say that you forgot to lock your house door, come up with a sudden migraine.

If you feel you are at the point of tolerating the verbal comments, take her out and act like you are a professional caregiver. I do not like cell phones but had to check calls constantly because my mom's doctors would call at all hours. So here I am watching my phone, for her sake, and she just ranted about how I was tied to my phone. The more insensitive the comments got, the nicer I got and I just pretended that I was hired to transport her.

At all times, remember, none of this is her fault. Her judgement is broken. The journey is long though so both she and you need to be cared for.

Last, it may be time for memory care now. You could consider moving her to another mc immediately and then back to the home of your choice when a room opens up. Assisted living costs so much less so a compromise could be to hire a companion during the day to support her.

H1235

Welcome. Many with dementia have anosognosia. This is an inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. It is awful and I know giving it a name doesn’t make it any easier. I have done so much for my mom since she was diagnosed (my brother very little, which only makes things worse) and she blames me for everything and feels I have needlessly taken control of everything in her life. I never knew what mom might want to buy if I took her to the store and an argument with a person with dementia is not good and I was not going to have this happen in a store. I quit taking her to stores. I made excuses for a while, but she was still aware enough that she saw through that. Things were tense. I have found I am able to take her out to lunch, but she can still be a bit snippy about me having her money. Mom’s mood seems to ebb and flow from month to month. When she is extra grumpy I just do a short visit (no lunch) and visit slightly less often. I would definitely talk with her doctor, but it can take a while for some medication to take full effect. You might also want to talk with your doctor. I hated to idea of taking medication for anxiety, but it has helped so much. I am on something very mild. I have given up so much of my time cleaning out her house, taking her to appointments, fretting about the level of care she needs, taking care of her finances, and arguing with my brother who thinks she “has a right to make her own decisions 🙄, only to have her angry, mad and blaming everything on me. That kind of situation messes with you head. I’m glad you found our group. We get it.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

Quilting brings calm

It is ok for you to set boundaries that contribute to your own mental, emotional and physical health. This is a marathon not a sprint and there could be several years left of being her advocate. Do not take her out of the AL. Many ALs have people that put on abbreviated church services on site a couple times a month; same with Bible study.

When she makes visits difficult, then you find a reason to leave - plans with friends, things to do at home, etc. limit your visits to a frequency you can live with- same with answering phone calls. The AL will call you if they need you.
It is also ok for you to take a few days and leave town. Again- you need to put on your own oxygen mask first.