I am a caregiver of my husband

sky11

My husband was diagnosed with LBD in 2024 but has had it for 5 to 6 years prior. I have asked him to sign a POA because if something happens to him, his daughter from his first marriage who he doesn’t speak to, will get everything and I will be left out in the cold. And he keeps saying we don’t need one. I think we do. He has money from an inheritance that I know needs to be left for his care in a memory facility when it comes time, but if his daughter gets her hands on it she will spend it, because that’s who she is. I want what’s best for him. How do I get him to sign one.

We just recently got the letter from the DMV stating he can’t drive, but have not told him yet. We live on the lake and the DMV says he can’t not drive anything with an engine.

99%of the day he sits in his chair and complains about moving because it hurts when he moves. But that’s another story I go through every day, all day.

SusanB-dil

Hi sky11 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Do make an appointment with the CLEC (elder-care attorney) regardless. You could tell him it is for 'later', or tell him it is for yourself. Maybe set up a consultation on your own first, then bring DH at next appt. A lot of times, lawyers are pretty good at getting them to sign. A 'just in case' scenario while there may work.

Removing driving is one of the hardest situations to deal with. If you need the car, make sure you hide the keys. If you each have a car, do disable his. If at all possible, disappear his car and tell him something is wrong with it and the part is on backorder. 'There was a recall and the part is on backorder'…

A lot of us at this forum have dealt with a difficult, demanding, conniving, and greedy relative. UUGHH!!

H1235

Welcome I’m glad you found us. A DPOA ( durable power of attorney) gives to appointed person the power to act on your husband’s behalf. This would include signing checks, moving money around signing paperwork for a facility if/when that becomes necessary. Without this you will have a difficult time of things if he refuses to go to a facility. Even now if you count on some of his income to cover living expenses and he decides not to give you access (dementia really messes with logic and reasoning) you could be in trouble. I agree that it might be best to spin the DPOA as something for the future. I would avoid mentioning any symptoms at all costs. Most people with dementia have anosognosia and they only become upset if their symptoms are pointed out to them. I would talk to a lawyer. If he refuses to sign you might need to get guardianship. But this is not a route you want to go unless you have to. A DPOA and guardianship ends upon their death. If you are worried about his daughter getting everything on his death, he would need to make a will. I’m not a lawyer, but unless there was a previous will leaving everything to the daughter, I would think as the wife it would default to you not her (I’m just guessing). But without an actual will I would expect the process to be long and possibly ugly if his daughter decides to fight you. Are you listed as beneficiary on any accounts 401k, retirement accounts? Is your name on the house along with his? These things should give you some reassurance if they are already in place. If they are not, maybe you could at least get him to add your name to the house or list you as a beneficiary on accounts?

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

I just wanted to add that a DPOA does not legally take any power away from the person with dementia. This really helped convince my mom to sign. To protect her I had no choice but to remove her ability to make bad decisions. Once she appointed me DPOA I took away any opportunity for her to do anything with her finances. She couldn’t drive and is old enough to not be able to use a computer. She didn’t have the phone number for the bank and couldn’t drive there. I had the address for everything changed to my home. There was a lot of anger, but the money she needed for her care was not lost to scammers or “loaned” to deadbeat relatives.

sky11

Th’ank you for the help. Does anyone know anything about GUIDE?

pamalamcneal

Hey sky11, my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and Dementia two Tuesdays ago, however, I suspected that there was something wrong with him cognitively ten years ago and I literally have had to face similar circumstances that you are facing.

I just got my husband to agree to go yesterday to do a DPOA and we did. He also struggled with doing a will and advance directives until I convinced him a couple of months ag and we accomplished that also.

Try as a couple of others have suggested, remind him that this is for his benefit and you are looking out for his well being.

Aside from disorders, gentlemen seem to persistently hold onto their independence, leadership and control for as long as they can; as most human beings.

We are in this together, I’m routing for you and like Rosie Riveter, “We can do it!”

I welcome suggestions and will receive wise counsel.

sky11

OMG, I am going to loose my mind. I tell him something Thant I am going to do and then he tells me that it’s not going to work. oh I hate this disease. I’m sorry I am venting. I am doing ever And all he does it sit in his recliner 99% of the day. He won’t try to do anything. He says he is going to do things but then never does them. He is starting to piss me off. They think the know everthing

J.A.

My bro who is not diagnosed yet, but I and others suspect he has memory decline . He is another "know it all", a nasty gossiper as well. Just downright mean for the most part. It's almost like he has this grandiose personality…narcissistic for sure. I did manage to get him to do a DPOA and Healthcare directive. He hasn't done a will yet, and personally I don't care if he never does it. He is still legally married to a woman he has been separated for over 25 years. When he passes, the DPOA will be null and void and with no will, I would assume she gets everything he has, which is not much. I really don't care, let her go through his things. I manage his healthcare which is more than I can handle w/o becoming overwhelmed. Thanks for letting me vent.