Anger

Married1981

My DH has dementia for several years which is getting worse. I am very angry about how this has changed my life and often engage him in arguments and yell at him. How can I help myself to stop this behavior?

Ed's mom

Me too. And I can really be a bi***. When I realized what was going on first I got a therapist. Then I joined this group because I wanted to learn from those with real experiences. I'm doing much better. Taking every Wednesday afternoon for 3 hours each week is a saving grace. I go to the ocean. Sometimes the park and read but usually Mahjong because it needs my full concentration and I can't think about anything else.

When I need help I'm trying to ask for it. We have no children or family and only a few close friends bother. This group is also a lifesaver.

We're all in this boat married 1981, we help each other row. Glad you're sharing with us. I at least don't feel like the only one that can turn angry on my LO.

Married1981

Thank you so much for responding. I don’t feel so alone.

Karen711

Learning more about the disease and ways it manifests helped me with acceptance which I believe leads to more compassion. Alz Association, Natalie Edmonds, Teepa Snow- all good resources. Still, there will be times… , none of us are perfect.

jgreen

Dear @Married1981 Welcome. So sorry you had to join the group no one wants to be a part of, but glad you found us.

I like the resources @Karen711 recommended. Natalie Edmonds, Careblazers, has a book coming out the end of this month written for caregivers. I preordered one on Amazon - around $30. There is also a good book in its eighth edition called “The 36-Hour Day” that was recommended to me when I joined. It has been a go-to book for me.

Early on, I believe @SDianeL, responded to our group with a phrase that stuck with me - “You cannot reason with someone whose reasoner is broken”. If you can remember this, it may help you avoid arguments, trying to explain, or trying to reason with your DH.

And yes, anger is unfortunately a big part of this journey. My psych nurse therapist recommended I use ‘frustrated’ or ‘overwhelmed’ when I feel myself reaching the boiling point. Those terms better explain my emotions and help release the stress hormone Cortisol. I still say ‘angry’ but am getting better at taking a quick pause and using the other term.

Like @Ed's mom said, we are all in this together. Do come back and let us know how you are doing. We care.

harshedbuzz

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/77348/anger

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

My mom struggled with this when dad was initially diagnosed well into the progression of the disease. This quick read helped her a lot.

understanding-the-dementia-experience (1).pdf

I think a big piece of this for her was a situational depression— when one spouse has dementia, both parties in the marriage live with dementia in that both their lives and futures are impacted. In many people, depression looks like anger and irritability.

I got mom to her own psychiatrist which was critical. Previously, all the docs they saw were shared (PCPs, pulmo) or dad's (neurology) and focused on his well-being even when it had a negative impact on mom. Having one doctor on board who put her helped a lot. Talk therapy and medication helped a lot. She also had a local in-person support group that she clicked with.

The other piece was that dad was one of those PWD who was just a challenging person— paranoid, suspicious, crude and agitated. Getting him adequately medicated and easier to redirect as well as the progression of the disease (making him less able to sustain his anger) made a huge difference as well.

I hope you can get some relief.
HB

DebrahS1

Dear Married1981,

I so relate to what you are going through and how much you wish to be able to be different when you feel that anger rising up. I too have gone through that storm of emotion so many times with my LO.

This may or may not be of help to you but here is what I finally found some understanding and help from.

In Buddhist thought (and this has nothing to do with religion but with a philosophy) we all experience what is called the Two Arrows. The first arrow is the unavoidable pain that we will all, each and everyone of us, feel because we are human and experience unavoidably painful things in our lives.

The second arrow however, is the additional pain that we inflict on ourselves when we experience the pain of everyday living.

In caregiving the first arrow is the dementia itself. The endless loops of conversation, the argumentativeness of our LO who's mind is desperately trying to maintain control of itself, the shared loss of memories and the very painful realization, over and over that our LO can no longer use any logic to reason through a situation. This is the arrow we cannot stop from hitting us - it just is what it is.

The second arrow though, is the mental anguish, anger and then the self-blame we shoot at ourselves because of the pain of the first arrow. When we get angry at our LO for not remembering or not acting logically, we are essentially demanding and also believing that they control a disease they cannot control. Because they cannot participate in the usual de-escalation processes that partners build with each other or to grasp our reasoning, our anger changes nothing about their behavior. Instead, it spikes our own adrenaline, drains our already depleted energy, and inevitably results in the heavy shame and guilt that follows an angry outburst. The anger is a second arrow because it only harms the caregiver's own nervous system.

We don't have control over the first arrow, but we do have control over shooting of the second arrow at ourselves.

What I had to do was to try, over and over, to stop shooting that second arrow at myself. I spent so much time trying to get my LO to remember, to agree with me and to act logically. Well. . . she just isn't capable of doing that any more - and so I found myself in the endless cycle of trying to be in control and because I literally could not be in control of her dementia I was continually finding myself angry and frustrated with her. And then I didn't like myself very much.

What I've tried to work on over time (and it does take time and practice) is to accept that my LO's mind is almost always focused on "right now" rather than being able to think logically or strategically. She really cannot, is not capable of actually focusing on an outcome. Rather than shoot that second arrow at myself I try, everyday to quit trying to make my LO think logically or rationally. Instead I just try to go along with her frustrating lack of logic, planning and ongoing obsessions. She just is no longer capable of doing that of thinking logically or rationally. I work on giving up control and try to realize that my job is no longer to "fix" her thinking through things logically or rationally. My job now is to simply manage my own mind and to show up and be present for her.

That doesn't mean I don't ever get angry anymore. I do. But I've also quit trying to view my getting angry as a moral failure on my part. I try to be compassionate both for my LO's struggle but also for my own struggle which is equally real. I don't get as angry as often and when I do, I am quicker to realize that it's a signal that my own nervous system is probably at capacity for that moment and maybe I just need to walk away into another room and take a break for myself as well as my LO. The practice everyday for me is not about never failing, but about recognizing my exhaustion, then forgiving myself for being human, and refusing to shoot that second arrow at myself through a whole lot of self -judgement.

But I find that if I can keep all of that in mind I am less angry - or at least, I let my anger go a lot faster when I feel it coming on. And slowly but surely I have found myself to be less and less angry with her.

I don't know if that is helpful at all. But I appreciate the opportunity to share a portion of my journey with you and I wish you all my best in your own journey and ability to find self-compassion.

Debrah

beachwalker5

Thank you Debrah for drafting and posting your excellent advice. I've cut & pasted it into my running diary of caregiver thoughts I keep on my cell phone so that I can re-read it when I start shooting those second arrows at myself. Hoping we can all get better at this going forward.

Andi C

I struggle with this as well, but I've learned a lot about this horrible disease. A couple of resources that have been helpful for me is the book, The 36 Hour Day. It's like a textbook in size, but don't feel you have to read it quickly. I found that taking it a bit at a time and highlighting things that I really related to has been very helpful. Another book, Creating Moments of Joy has also been helpful. The best lesson I got from this is, don't try to correct what your LO says, especially when it's not important. For instance if they say you went out to eat on Monday at McDonalds, but really you went on Tuesday to Ponderosa, don't correct them and get into a tug of war. Does it really matter what day or restaurant it was? No, of course not. Also I am the queen of Support Groups. I attend 1 a month that is in person, but attend 5 other virtual ones a month. They have literally saved my sanity. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, but you have an opportunity to reach out to others and learn something new each time that may help you through this terrible struggle. Hang in there, cry when you need to, laugh when you can.

Married1981

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/284261#Comment_284261

Married1981

Thanks to all who responded to my post! I felt very supported. I start a Support Group this coming Monday and very much looking forward to that.

Maru

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/77348/anger

What helped me to be more patient, esp. in the early days, was to think of my DH as a handicapped…which is not so far from the reality. Sometimes DH can reason just fine, but at other times he cannot connect the dots. I don't know if it is fair or not, but it easier for me to just assume that he doesn't really understand a given situation and just verbally agree with what ever he says. I did a lot of tongue biting in the beginning. I think that this idea of his being handicapped came pretty easy as we have a brilliant grandson who is very bi-polar and sometimes his thinking is off. Just because someone looks "normal" doesn't mean that they are.

SDianeL

We understand how you feel. What helped me was to read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and learn about the disease. I then repeated the sentence I learned here: “You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” and the advice to NEVER argue with someone with dementia. I changed my focus on me to a focus on my DH. What it must be like to have your world falling apart because your brain no longer works. I started thinking of my husband as my patient, not my spouse. He was no longer my companion. I was his nurse. It took the emotion out of caring for him. Caregiving is the most difficult thing you will ever do. It’s not for everyone. Some people aren’t cut out for it. Come here often for info, support or to vent. We know what you are going through. Hugs. 💜

CindyBum

Boy, can I ever relate! Fighting my own anger while caregiving was work I needed to do every hour of every day for the 4 most intense years of this awful journey.

SDaniel was my biggest help on this with the line, “You can’t reason with someone who’s reasoner is broken.” was big for me. The other insight she gave me isn’t mentioned enough here, I think.

SDaniel saw clearly that I was still in denial, fighting the truth that my wife had dementia, that my life was forever changed and that she was going to die from it. Denial kept me imaging I could “fix” things. Denial kept me fighting a war I’d already lost with the diagnosis. Denial made me angry at myself for not fixing it or doing better and then at her for complaining about the care I gave, which I see now, was rather amazing. Denial also kept me from working on how I could offer full, complete love without expecting anything positive in return.

I found my way and you will too. Shoot for never arguing and then give yourself grace when you make a mistake. We’re not saints here, but we all sure as hell try.

Big hug.