Anger

Dear Married1981,

I so relate to what you are going through and how much you wish to be able to be different when you feel that anger rising up. I too have gone through that storm of emotion so many times with my LO.

This may or may not be of help to you but here is what I finally found some understanding and help from.

In Buddhist thought (and this has nothing to do with religion but with a philosophy) we all experience what is called the Two Arrows. The first arrow is the unavoidable pain that we will all, each and everyone of us, feel because we are human and experience unavoidably painful things in our lives.

The second arrow however, is the additional pain that we inflict on ourselves when we experience the pain of everyday living.

In caregiving the first arrow is the dementia itself. The endless loops of conversation, the argumentativeness of our LO who's mind is desperately trying to maintain control of itself, the shared loss of memories and the very painful realization, over and over that our LO can no longer use any logic to reason through a situation. This is the arrow we cannot stop from hitting us - it just is what it is.

The second arrow though, is the mental anguish, anger and then the self-blame we shoot at ourselves because of the pain of the first arrow. When we get angry at our LO for not remembering or not acting logically, we are essentially demanding and also believing that they control a disease they cannot control. Because they cannot participate in the usual de-escalation processes that partners build with each other or to grasp our reasoning, our anger changes nothing about their behavior. Instead, it spikes our own adrenaline, drains our already depleted energy, and inevitably results in the heavy shame and guilt that follows an angry outburst. The anger is a second arrow because it only harms the caregiver's own nervous system.

We don't have control over the first arrow, but we do have control over shooting of the second arrow at ourselves.

What I had to do was to try, over and over, to stop shooting that second arrow at myself. I spent so much time trying to get my LO to remember, to agree with me and to act logically. Well. . . she just isn't capable of doing that any more - and so I found myself in the endless cycle of trying to be in control and because I literally could not be in control of her dementia I was continually finding myself angry and frustrated with her. And then I didn't like myself very much.

What I've tried to work on over time (and it does take time and practice) is to accept that my LO's mind is almost always focused on "right now" rather than being able to think logically or strategically. She really cannot, is not capable of actually focusing on an outcome. Rather than shoot that second arrow at myself I try, everyday to quit trying to make my LO think logically or rationally. Instead I just try to go along with her frustrating lack of logic, planning and ongoing obsessions. She just is no longer capable of doing that of thinking logically or rationally. I work on giving up control and try to realize that my job is no longer to "fix" her thinking through things logically or rationally. My job now is to simply manage my own mind and to show up and be present for her.

That doesn't mean I don't ever get angry anymore. I do. But I've also quit trying to view my getting angry as a moral failure on my part. I try to be compassionate both for my LO's struggle but also for my own struggle which is equally real. I don't get as angry as often and when I do, I am quicker to realize that it's a signal that my own nervous system is probably at capacity for that moment and maybe I just need to walk away into another room and take a break for myself as well as my LO. The practice everyday for me is not about never failing, but about recognizing my exhaustion, then forgiving myself for being human, and refusing to shoot that second arrow at myself through a whole lot of self -judgement.

But I find that if I can keep all of that in mind I am less angry - or at least, I let my anger go a lot faster when I feel it coming on. And slowly but surely I have found myself to be less and less angry with her.

I don't know if that is helpful at all. But I appreciate the opportunity to share a portion of my journey with you and I wish you all my best in your own journey and ability to find self-compassion.

Debrah