I Admire You All, but I cannot do this. Feel trapped.

Novice, caring for someone with this disease is unimaginably difficult, even when you love the person deeply and are committed to caring for them and making the rest of their life as good as you possibly can. Caring for someone you no longer love or even like and were planning on leaving anyway before this all happened sounds absurd. Contact a good attorney and find out what your legal obligations are and get that taken care of. Also talk to his family and explain that you are sending him to them for his care. 

No labels or judgements are needed. People leave or divorce each other every day for all sorts of reasons. You can’t handle this. Do what you need to do to see that he is taken care of and then leave. If you felt a commitment to each other you would have married. 

Dana, since you are new to this forum, please take some time to read posts here to acclimate yourself to this forum. There are many helpful tips and info, but more importantly we are here to support each other on this dreadful journey, not to judge. Each of us is on our own unique journey in unique situations, traversing the treacherous path as caregivers--some easier while some are utterly unbearable. Expressing your opinion is one thing. Being judgmental is another.

Novice, I wish you the best outcome. Don't let others' opinions cloud your own sense of right or wrong. Your situation and feelings are your own. Troubled relationships prior to a partner getting sick definitely puts another wrench into the whole caregiving dilemma. I'm sure many of us have pondered "what if I had divorced him/her when I had the chance?" This doesn't make us bad people. It's just a fact of life. My motto is: When a decision is made, it is the best decision given the circumstances at the time it's made. So don't beat yourself up. As others have offered, it may be best to talk to your partner's family and let them know how you feel honestly. Who knows? The decision may be easier than you think. And definitely seek legal counsel.

I compose this final post on this thread from me to NOVICE. I apologize to you that my comments caused you offence. I read previous posts on the thread and could not understand that others were recommending, "Run, don't walk" and "Consult an Elder Law Attorney." Validating some portion of your concerns. I am not a mental health professional, but I live with depression and recognize how it presents itself (sleeplessness, hopelessness, sense of feeling trapped, confusion, crying, and other symptoms in your post). I believe everyone faced with this disease and caring for someone fights it every day. But others that were posting were not suggesting that you might need the help of a mental health professional for yourself. 

In the words of Jordan Peterson, clean up your own room before you try to improve the world. A metaphor, that one must first take care of their own issues and surroundings before moving on to bigger challenges in life. That was the foundation of my comment that, seeking validation from strangers to ease your conscious because you were unable to endure the unpleasant thing. Using cowardly to describe that act, in fewer words, was not intended to label you. QUILTING, twisted the post in an apparent attempt to villainize and chastise me. I don't care what others think, I wear the armor of God, and their weapons are powerless against me.

As my wife's caregiver, I can tell you it is an extremely difficult task (physically and emotionally). It is not for everyone. And it may not be for you, so be it. I don't know you and neither do the other strangers posting in this thread. In my opinion, making that life changing decision without resolving or getting help for your depression, based upon the advice of total strangers, would likely be a bad one.

NOVICE, I pray for your healing. I pray for many others dealing with Alzheimer's, too.

The picture used in my profile was taken by my wife on the back of our motorcycle, touring on the Blue Ridge. That was before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It is a wonderful memory for me of our life before Alzheimer's. For me the light at the other end of the tunnel represents my faith in Jesus Christ as the light for the world. Jesus tells us in scripture that there will be trials, tribulations, tragedy, and broken hearts in this fallen world. Out time in this world is but a vapor. But faith in Him will be an eternity in the Kingdom of God. I believe when my wife and I roll up to Jesus on the mercy seat he will say, I KNOW you, welcome to heaven.

Some of the posts demonstrate the hypocrisy of some authors. First, GHPHOTOG I wouldn't knowingly advocate for the devil. You don't know me. And you're suggesting that your opinion is somehow righteous, is inappropriate. M&M everyone is judging here, you judged me and inferred that my opinion is misguided and should be ignored.

Finally, DIO, this one really made me shake my head. Your suggestion that I should read other posts, before I post comments, to get the tenor of how I should express my opinion, is preposterous. I spent a month reading within the forum before I posted the first time. I will not succumb to some ideological indoctrination on how I should express my opinion. I will be clear. I love my God, I love my wife and family, I love the United States of America. I get my guidance on how I should conduct myself from the Word of God. I fail time and time again to get it right, thankfully my God knows I am imperfect, and He is gracious. So, if any of you have issues with my opinions you are free to skip over them. I promise I will not be offended.

To quote another post, "Don't let others' opinion cloud your own sense of right or wrong." Words all of us should live by.

Dear Novice,

For whatever it is worth, I believe a caregiver goes through is very much a process of grief - denial, anger/resentment, bargaining etc.  We cycle through these over and over, but we do learn alot in the process.   For example, when my DH was first diagnosed, I was very angry at him because I believed he caused it due to his refusal to wear a CPAP for sleep apnea.    I really had to get past this notion and came to realize that he would certainly have chosen to wear the CPAP had he known he could prevent the disease (which I don't believe is the primary cause of the disease).  The point here is that it is natural to get angry at the situation and then project that anger on the person.  It will be helpful to you to try to separate the anger at the situation from the person.   It may also be helpful for you to acknowledge the sense of hopelessness, disappointment and loss of what you thought the future would be and what you are facing.   Perhaps a skilled counselor can really help you to sort out the emotions from the tangibles and get to a more comfortable place.   Right now, it sounds like you are reeling from the diagnosis and scared.   I get it and totally understand your wanting to run as fast as you can.  When you have had bad situations before, ask yourself how you have handled it.   We tend to use the same strategies which worked before, which may not be the most useful solution now.  For awhile, I was mostly focused on how the disease was altering my life, not seeing the awful situation my DH was in.   Through prayer and time, I have overcome the hyper-focus on my disappointments and try to take each day as it comes and make the best of it.  Not sure I have helped but hope you see that your feelings are "normal" and we are not saints.

Dana -- you are correct in saying "A coward is defined as, a person who lacks the courage to do or endure dangerous or unpleasant things. "

Maybe I am a coward, and I'm okay with that.  Since starting this journey with my husband, I have had numerous people constantly tell me how strong I am.  I want to scream!  I am not strong, and I do not want to be strong.  I did not choose this and I don't know if I can survive this.

And I would describe you similarly, since you are sitting behind a keyboard casting judgment.  Just wow.  And yes, you are in the wrong place with the kind of energy you're giving out.