New & desperate in need of advice

Hello River, Welcome to the forum. Maintaining that balance is really hard. I reached out to the Alzheimers Helpline quite a few times and also joined an alzheimers support group to have someplace to vent. It is important to keep your friends even if to do so you have to not talk about your caregiving. Sometimes you have to admit you cannot do the physical caregiving and reach out for help, either aides in the home or a facility. Wish you a better balance.

Hi River, Sorry you're here.

It's not easy to say 'no'.

Don't allow a person with dementia to drive the decision-making bus. The parent-child dynamic is hard to break. But having the disease means that your mom doesn't have the capacity to empathize or think logically about what her demands mean for you. Just because she wants you to clock in for filial duty every day doesn't mean that it's reasonable or necessary.

Your parents have the benefit of having caregivers 24/7. If there are things that the aides can do instead of you, then give them a list of those things. Stop going by your parent's home every day if it's exhausting you.

You won't get balance until you establish some boundaries. Sometimes it's easier if you talk that over with a counselor or therapist. Your time, friendships, and career are all valuable, and you have the right to carve out a space for yourself by saying 'No' to what you don't want to do.

Your mom needs a basic evaluation and an official dementia diagnosis. Then your sister needs an education by someone on dementia and the realities of your mom’s and family’s future caregiving responsibilities. If your family has the money for 24/7 caregivers, then by all means this is the time to use it. Hire an aging care professional (geriatric care manager—often an RN) who can be your sister’s personal consultant for day programs, etc. The aging care professional can be the messenger instead of you. Your sister can then be put in her appropriate role. My mom hired a consultant like this. They have RNs, a social worker, an attorney—-lots of expert staff. Does my mom follow their recommendations or break out of her denial about our PWD’s limitations? That’s another conversation. Ultimately, your mom is already suffering anyway from being allowed to run a show for which she’s not equipped. Stepping out of your role won’t change things much. Put your oxygen mask on first. Just because your sister has kids or whoever doesn’t make your needs any less important. You might have to let go and accept a substandard situation—-I have had to, in order to protect my own health & sanity, with how my mom was (mis)handling things. Best wishes to you.

I feel for you. Caregiving is extremely tough. I also have 2 siblings. One took total advantage of her after her Alzheimer’s diagnosis & actually stole $240,000 from her. I work from home & my Mom has been living with me for 2 years. I am completely overwhelmed. She wears depends but soaks through at night do I am doing laundry every day, I feel resentful that I am doing this in my own with no help from my siblings. I feel like I never leave my house. It’s affected my marriage & I feel horrible that I have missed college tours with my son. My husband goes with him. I feel like I have lost that mother daughter relationship & am now just an overwhelmed caregiver. I’ am in the process of finding someone to come im the morning to get her showered & dressed in the morning to give me a reprieve & someone who can stay with my Mom so I can actually get out with my husband. I feel like im eating anxiety medication like candy. Alzheimer’s is such a horrible disease