WRONG DECISION

Welcome to the forum. Do you have other siblings involved, or is it just you? Do you hold power of attorney for her? It may feel like the wrong decision now, but as her disease progresses her location is going to matter less, and having her in near proximity to you is in fact what most would recommend. She is probably right to be scared to be alone.

One thing to consider is that she might need memory care as opposed to "supported living." In a typical hospitality model AL facility, she is expected to be independent enough to get herself to meals and activities. She may not have the skills for that, and she could be shunned by other residents because of her dementia. In memory care, staff would help her with these things. It's just a thought. It's a common observation in this forum that by the time assisted living is considered, that ship has usually sailed and what is really needed is memory care. A frank discussion with the facility director may be in order for you to get a handle on this.

It's difficult to care for any person with dementia even if you had a great relationship to start with. Sorry that you are facing this, im sure others will respond as well.

If your mom moves home, who would do all the things you listed that you are doing? If she is too far along to live in independent living, who is going to advocate for her 1000 mikes away? All that will still need to be done. You would find yourself having to make emergency trips there. I’ve been there, done that. Don’t want to do it again. Your best bet is to hire additional caregivers to help her here.

Many of us resent the responsibilities. We accept we aren’t meant to be 24/7 caregivers, opt for a facility to help us, and just do the best we can.

There were many times I had to re-assess wth I was doing. Caring for our parent isn’t the natural order of things. So often I couldn’t stand it. This community is one reason I was able to survive.

To me, sounds like your mom needs to stay near to you. Long distance caregiving is very difficult and the reason my brother and I moved my mom next door to me. As your moms illness progresses I think you’ll be thankful she’s near. I too thought, while reading your post, that hiring in a caregiver a few hours or days a week might really help both of you. Having respite relief daily was another reason I survived.

We caregivers do a lot of adjusting which can only be done after we’ve accepted our LOs new reality. “Accept and adjust because our LOs cannot” was my mantra. Life got more peaceful for me when I’d accept. It was less defeating I guess.

I hope you can come to a more peaceful place soon. Your moms blessed to have you in her corner.

I understand what you’re saying about being unkind and feeling embarrassed. You’re NOT alone! I also grappled often, especially in the beginning, with whether mom was “acting” when she was stubborn etc… or if it was her dementia. I felt like I had to do therapy with myself due to mommy issues and long lived baggage I harbored. It was always a work in progress but my patience did increase, in other words it got better, even though my mom was getting worse. As a child caregiver for a parent, I think it’s very difficult to distinguish how we knew our parent for our lifetime and how to know them now with their brain damage. I think it helps to assign most all their behavior to dementia, the new reality. It’s a lot of hard work to become the parent to your parent, emotionally and physically. I’m so very sorry!

I am in the same situation as everyone. Just like the grieving process for me, it began as Anger, resentment, and mourning the loss of my mom who is still alive, but it just seems my mother is not my mother anymore, but this new person who often times breaks from reality. I called myself the reluctant caregiver and I feel guilty for saying that because my mom did a great job raising my brother and me. Our journey started with the loss of my only sibling and the loss of her son. It is overwhelming navigating medical care and how to get my mother diagnosed, without the diagnosis I am unable to get care because I do work full-time and part-time and I am having difficulty balancing my life and her care. I do not know what to do. They are treating her for depression, but it is almost going on a full year and she is cognitively declining further. How aggressive should I be in having her diagnosis?

That is a terrible dilemma indeed and I am so sorry you are caught in it. There is a saying on these boards that safety has to drive the decision making, and I believe it's true.

I wonder if there is any reason for you to consult with an attorney or to talk to your brother about giving you power of attorney. It truly isn't fair for you to have the responsibility but not the legal authority. I suppose you could force the issue by sending her back and refusing to take any further role, but that is also extremely difficult to enforce and might put your mother's safety at risk.

Right there with you. My husband and I are 65 and his Mom 83 the only operational part of her body is her mouth. We feed her change her listen to mean chatter all day long and stay out of reaching distance. No sibling help no respite and we have never been a part of her life until this God awful disease by her choice.

40 years later here we are with a mean ass stranger. I'm burned out depressed but have to keep going and it sux