Happy Holidays - are you doing ok?

I thought I was the only one feeling this way today. I have been crying nearly all day. DH was diagnosed with ALZ in October after a stroke in June and 6 hospitalizations in 4-1/2 mos. He is now in Stage 6. He also has congestive heart failure and is under hospice care. He went to live at a very good AL facility the day before Thanksgiving and is settling in. The past three days he seems to have taken a downturn and has added new symptoms. My emotions are running so high that I didn't dare go visit him today.

My support system, already very thin, has become even smaller very recently. My mother, who was caregiver for my father for over 7 years before he died from ALZ, has now developed ALZ and recently has taken a downturn. She appears to be in Stage 4 heading into 5. She lives 1000 miles away, but we had been talking on the phone nearly every evening. She has been an true source of advice and my rock during these hard times. My only other support person, a neighbor, thinks I should be able to simply rise above the loneliness and grief, and he gets very impatient with me. His mother has ALZ at about Stage 4 and is in MC. He brought her to his home to visit today. Even my therapist is on vacation until after Jan. 1. All of the local ALZ support groups meet at night, and I cannot drive at night. So here I sit, drowning handkerchiefs.

I do plan to visit DH tomorrow (Christmas). I realize that even if he is having a 'good' day (whatever that means), I will not have my need for true companionship met. I will put on a calm, peaceful face, try to go in with no expectations, and simply be there for him, holding his hand for what will be our last Christmas together on this earth.