Considering starting Memory Care

When I moved my wife into memory care in October, I asked about whether or not I should visit her for a while. At her facility, the policy is to allow visits from the beginning, unless it causes problems for the patient. My wife seemed to not have any problems associated with her placement whether I was there or not, so I visited her. I suggest doing the same if it is allowed, and if necessary, adjust as needed.

ProfDavid,

Your situation is very similar to ours. Same ages, similar rapid decline, my DW is a bit farther along however and is now in Stage 7 and wheelchair and bed bound.

I moved her to an MCF 17 months ago at the urging of my daughter and my own recognition of how difficult her care was becoming. I was convinced that she would strongly object to the placement but she was much farther along than I really recognized. She moved in without any difficulty and never, not once, questioned being there. I was able to visit every day from the first day. She always appreciated me being there but was surprisingly untroubled by my leaving each day. The staff was well trained on how to acclimate a new resident and engaged her in activities and socializing right away.

She was always anxious and restless at home, I’m convinced the familiarity with our house caused her to feel she should be doing something she always did there like hobbies or housework but she couldn’t understand what those things were. She seemed much calmer at the MCF and enjoyed the activities (mostly the music ones as she was beyond crafts). The aides have always been extremely kind and patient with her and she is cheerful and relaxed when I visit. She is now very out of it mostly, sleeping about 22 hours a day. So I have reduced my visits to every other day, or sometimes three days a week as frankly it is very hard for me to see her like this, I hand feed her and it can take quite a long time as she fades in and out of sleep.

As for what to bring. Not really too much is needed as her life will be simpler and very routine. The MCF should be able to tell you how many day’s worth of clothes. A few basic toiletries. Our MCF provides soaps and such. Our MCF provided furniture but I brought her favorite chair (which she can no longer use). We decorated my DW’s room with all kinds of things she might remember and grandkids art work. As others noted, copies of photos and other non valuables. When my DW went in she still liked looking at picture books, the kind of coffee table books about national parks and exotic locations. This lasted about six months until she no longer understood what a book was.

I feel for you as this is a very difficult decision. Like others here I agonized about whether I had done the right thing and if I had done it sooner than absolutely necessary. But I truly believe she is content and well cared for where she is. I had a very significant medical scare just after her placement, probably from the stress of her care and realize it could have been disastrous if it happened when she was still home. (I was a model of health and fitness before I began 24/7/365 care of my wonderful wife.)

Best of luck to you. Let us all know how it goes and if you have any further questions.

Hi David,

Welcome to the forum, and, again, sorry you need to be here. My DH resided in a MCF for 17 months prior to his passing in April. My situation was somewhat similar to yours in that DH did not recognize me or other family members, could no longer navigate our one floor, downsized living quarters and required my hands on caregiving 24/7/365 in order to keep him safe and content. Like you, I had thoroughly researched MCF’s for 2 years prior to placement, “just in case”. I arranged a 30 day respite to see how placement might look for both of us. The respite morphed into permanent placement at the insistence of my grown kids who could see what I could not- - that my unrelenting caregiving was both unrealistic and unsustainable.

His MCF was 40 miles away, solely dedicated to Alz/dementia patient care, a small cottage style setting, all inclusive and private pay. I brought labeled clothing, minimal personal care items, and one or two things from home. He spent little to no time in his private room; he was always included in activities although he didn’t typically participate. He acclimated from day one; for that reason, I could visit immediately. Considering the distance, the weather and the terrain (over mountains and some busy highway), eventually I visited once a week, staying for several hours and typically hand feeding him a meal. He was always clean, well fed, content and clearly well loved by staff. My every visit was a good experience; family and friends joined me occasionally and my youngest granddaughter was a faithful companion. His MCF was a cheerful, warm environment. Overall, given the circumstance, it was a peaceful albeit sad experience. When he declined suddenly, I slept in his room for 3 nights until he passed. “Stage 8” has afforded me a renewed opportunity to rejoin a normal life. I have no regrets; I will love him and miss him forever.

I can only wish that everyone on this forum could navigate this horrendous journey with some measure of peace and comfort with whatever decisions they need to make. Best wishes to you and your DW as you move forward.

Hi M1, For whatever it is worth, when my aunt was in memory care, she would accuse the aides of taking her things. After she passed, we found all of the missing stuff in various hidden places in her room.

Hi David,

I told my husband that I had some doctor appointments and that they thought I might need surgery. I explained that there was no family to stay with him and that the doctor had suggested a nice place that he could stay at. As it got closer I mentioned further tests that I needed to have. Finally I told him the night before the move that I needed to go into the hospital the next afternoon. I assured him that it was not a dangerous surgery and that I would be fine but that I needed to remain in the hospital for two weeks. He moved in without any issue and never asked to come home. Once he was there for a few days he never mentioned home nor did he ever even ask about our dog. He seemed to live totally in the moment which I think was a good place to live. Good luck on your plans.