Leaving LO alone on the caregivers side
Wow. I woke up an hour or so ago (4AM), and thought...what would happen if something unexpected happens to me? We live alone, the two of us. What if I got in an accident while picking up groceries, what if I fall down the stairs and the EMTs come and talk to Tim...but no one else. My physically close family have keys. I should remind them where my documents are.
I have changed my contact person at my drs office, and am now thinking what else should I do? My family, close friends, and neighbors know of our situation, but they should have my contact info. The conversations about a medical alert bracelet for ME on this forum, struck a note. Does my Physical Trainer at the gym have my brothers phone number? Who is the contact on my medical and household/car insurance?
Oh crap, and I thought I was going to homemake cookies today after I figured out our taxes. Guess I have some research and letter writing to do!
Thanks for this forum. Kathy
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I posting same situation, I order a medical bracelet that gives phone number to call and say in front Dementia Caregiver plus same info on card by drivers license
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It's quite difficult for those of us who are solo caregivers without kids or siblings to back us up. It remains difficult, even when she's in MC. She was devastated when I was hospitalized last summer, because even though they told her she didn't know where I was for two weeks. She cried when she finally saw me.
We are their one and only, and that's a tough position to be in. Maybe you'll still get to those cookies though, Kathy.
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This could be an important thread, Kathy. Sometimes the things that should come to us automatically just don't unless someone reminds us about them. You just reminded everybody. Thanks!
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I completely feel you on this one. I have gradually changed a lot of this stuff. TBH, this concern played a role in our move to our current area.
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Something i have thought about quite a bit. With the weather warming up, i am trying to spend some time outside early in the morning while she sleeps. I have a motion sensor that will let me know when she gets up. I try to keep the dangerous acrobatics to a minimum. Our Sheriffs office added specific information to the 911 system regarding this address and also have a program to provide tools and assistance in cases of wandering. I try and check in with our kids once i am up and if i am outside doing things. Interesting, our neighbors are aware of the situation and will check with one of our daughters if our front light is on to late in the morning and (this is great) one neighbor who works from home and is situated inside her front window, will notice that i have unlocked the car and opened the car trunk in anticipation of her loading things for the first trip “home”. Recently when my wife started sleeping late, they approached me and asked if everything was alright since I hadn’t opened the trunk until about noon. “Like a good Neighbor….”
Last summer, i was doing something outside and i thought, “when was the last time you just laid down in the grass and watched the clouds”. Well not doing that again, almost had the EMTs show up. Better to much than two little.
Can’t tell you how much better i feel after reading/posting on this website.
thank you
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So glad my note resonated. I appreciated the comments, suggestions, and stories. Laying in the grass, Clark, made me think of two weeks ago when the garbage guys left the can in back of my garage door and I almost hit it
. I got out a d kicked over, then kicked it again. Then looked out on our courtyard where at least 15 units face.... then picked up the can, put it in the garage, and went to the store. Actually felt good! Maybe working out might be a more constructive enterprise. ❤️ all the best on keep day. Kathy
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I started to write something offline some time ago that is apropos:
I've thought a lot about this. I assume it has come up in older discussions.
I'm DW's caretaker. We don't have kids or nearby family. It's just me. I worry a lot that if something were to happen to me, there would be two problems: Who takes care of DW? And, if I were injured or otherwise in need of care, who would take care of me?
These are the circumstances where CCRC's are helpful, if you can afford them.
I like the idea of a caregiver medical alert bracelet, BUT... When your LO "doesn't have a problem", she will ask about it. And if it says "dementia caregiver", that will really set her off.
Fortunately, we have a terrific, caring neighbor, and I'm going to post a story about her shortly.
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Resonating loud and clear here!
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After @charley0419 posted something similar, I ordered a yellow dot kit from Amazon. It has a yellow decal for the car pointing EMS to a yellow envelope in the glove box with all the important health info (including my emergency contact and my status as a caregiver). I also put a decal on the front window of the house with a duplicate yellow envelope on the fridge. It's strange being the sole responsible person in the house.
PS adding a link to this thread in the new caregivers group.
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Cookies
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Anderk those what if's are what brought about so much planning for me as well.
A dpoa that had me as primary my dw sister as a backup she would have been able to do anything sell our house all banking medical decisions and so on. I had a back up credit card for the prescriptions. If you die your credit card immediately goes dead. Pages of passwords, codes to unlock phones tablets laptops. The list was extensive to say the least. I had local backup because my dw sister was a 1000 miles away. I planned for everything every possible.
Planning is a good thing, because we don't know what could happen in the blink of an eye.
One thing at a time!
Glad to see you made them great looking cookies!
Stewart
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Think "digital will", for all that stuff in computers and online. Passwords, yes, but what about all those photos in the cloud? How about your email account(s)? And the stuff on your computer(s) and phone(s}. Someone probably needs to know how to gain access to all that and dispose of it in a way you specify, just like a will directs the disposition of your other assets.
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All great thoughts. I have all of Tim's digital stuff. But my brother needs to know that as well.
The cookies are ugly. But good.
Early to rest tonight.
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Hi AnderK,
You have some important work to do. I am also a lone caregiver, so here are some things I have done to reduce the possibility of a catastrophe.
1 "File of Life" cards on the refrigerator, one for me and one for my wife. They are very clearly labeled and filled out. Smaller versions in your wallet.
2 An envelope on the refrigerator clearly labeled WIFE'S CARE PLAN IN CASE OF EMERGENCY. It contains copies of OUR insurance cards, medications, and telephone numbers of family and friends. Update it often.
3 Hide-a-key outside, so your loved one cannot lock you out.
4 Disable the bathroom inside door lock(s).
5 Remove stove top knobs. Activate any safely lock codes for stove and microwave if the device has the option.
6 Remove sink stoppers to prevent water overflows.
7 Ask family and friends to call or text you at least once a day.
8 Stay off of ladders, and think carefully before doing anything at home that risks YOUR safety. My wife would just sit there if I fell, since she would not know how to respond. Again, THINK TWICE before you do stuff; hire out risky work.
9 Cell phone with you and charged ALL THE TIME.
10 Remove tripping hazards, for yourself as well as your loved one.
You must protect yourself from accidents, since your loved one WILL NOT HELP YOU if something goes wrong. You cannot prevent all problems, but you can MINIMIZE THE ODDS.
Peace be with you, intrepid caregiver.
Bill_2001
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Thanks, Bill. Good list. I have two more bathroom door locks to disable ( the washer thing that I tried worked slick without damaging the lock, then I realized that our bedroom doors have locks on them! Only have lived here 20 years!).
Peace be with you, fellow traveler.
Kathy
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You're wise to plan for this.
One piece resonated with me-- what if I fall down the stairs and the EMTs come and talk to Tim...but no one else.
Do you wear a device like an emergency pendant or Apple Watch that would detect the fall and call the EMTs or are you relying on Tim to be your advocate in this situation?
Towards the end of that 10-year time period in which I was trying to convince mom that dad needed to be evaluated, she got sick while they were at their place in Florida. I would describe him as stage 5ish sober and stage 6 drunk at that point in time. When I came to stay with them I walked in to find dad hosting neighborhood happy hour wearing nothing but a bath towel. The next morning he crossed wires jumping a battery and then put a fork in the toast in a 10-minute period.
I spoke to my parents daily to check in. I knew mom wasn't feeling well. She is medically complex, so it isn't unusual for her to pick up an URI and not be herself for a couple weeks. There was a period in February 2016 where I called daily and mom didn't answer her phone, so I'd call dad. He'd tell me various conflated versions of why mom didn't answer that were quite in character with her-- she was at the pool with the ladies, she was napping, she went to Publix to get sandwiches for lunch. Other times he'd complain to me that they were fighting (very plausible) or that she was being mean and wouldn't make him dinner (not so plausible). Once I didn't get an answer for 2 days and called for a well-check-- they talked to dad who reported they were fine. I did get a hold of her once in this period and she explained that she didn't feel well and that the doctor had given her some medication that made her really tired and that "she needed to make an appointment to see a psychiatrist". Actually, the PCP told dad to take her to the ER but he decided they should go have dinner and drinks instead.
A few days later I got a call from a social worker at their local hospital. My mom was in severe liver failure and they weren't sure she was going to recover. Evidently, dad got mad at mom for being lazy and not cooking, so he drove her to Publix to buy him food. A neighbor-- a retired RN-- took one look at my mom who was the color of a school bus and drive her to the ER over dad's objections. The hospitalist reached out to their PCP who produced my number as an emergency contact, and I flew down the next day. Had it not been for the neighbor, mom would be dead.
The cookies are perfection.
HB
Medic Alert bracelets can be ordered to have a generic front and engraving on the back which means your LO wouldn't see what is engraved on it. You could explain your doctor wants you to wear it because of a condition you have or medication you take.
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HB...what a story. I had tears in my eyes.
How stupid is this...it never occurred to me before that I would fall!!!!!!!
We bought a Samsung watch to detect falls for Tim, but it doesn't. I have spent hours on the phone with Samsung, returned it, got a new one, flung myself on the sofa to make it work yadiyadi all to no avail. Our phones are new and we bought specifically for the unusable watch fall detection.
Would he call 911, yes, but only if he could find his phone! And he won't wear the watch because it has to be charged too often. I am going to start wearing the watch so that I always have it with me. Update...can't wear the watch because it is too big for my little wrist. Back to plan z
And I am getting a medical alert bracelet for my wrist and a tag for my purse this next week. There are some beaded bracelets that look ok.
Hope all have the best Saturday you all can have!
Kathy
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I heard about this website from a podcast with medic alert bracelets that look like a nice piece of jewelry:
Also there is an attachment you can use on certain Apple watches:
Just some options for you.
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What about an aftermarket watch band? Is it a Galaxy watch? There are bands that you could replace the one it came with to fit any wrist. A lot of families buy these for their elementary aged kids to put off getting them a cell.
The grandson (aged 8) of a friend of mine has a band similar to this one-
No Gaps Curved Sports Silicon Bands - Strapzo
My mom has one similar to this-
Mom thought dad would be OK alone, too. I deferred to her until that day the smoke detector went off while the HVAC techs were soldering a new line. She'd asked me to come over while she went to an appointment to make sure dad didn't make any clever changes to the install. About 20 seconds passed before dad asked what horrible noise was. I explained what happened. After about 30 seconds he stood up causing his phone to slip to the floor and toddled off to find my mom. At no point did he call 911 or even tell me to. You might not be there yet, but there will come a time and it might be sooner than you expect.
HB
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The idea of a medical alert bracelet is appealing, but I'm faced with the same problem as having a health aide come to the house. I don't wear anything on my wrists, so DW would ask what is that and why do you need it? I think, however, that I will put a notice in my wallet about DW's condition.
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Or in your pocket? Or on your belt? Free ranging here.
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WOW... thanks. Lots of good ideas I haven't thought about.....yet. Something happening to me is something I have thought about...but distantly. Probably isn't fair to our children who would have to step in if we have an emergency. Thank-you.
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I worry about that too because there’s no one else close to help! One thing I did get was stickers that say “in case of emergency Occupant with Alzheimer’s * At risk of wandering * May appear confused * May resist help” I got it from Amazon. I put one on the refrigerator, which is the first place help would look, and one on the cupboard that has his medication in it and a list of what he needs to take
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My Apple Watch is pretty good at detecting falls. I've fallen twice since I got one and it did its job. That said, I have had 2 false alarms with mine- once reaching into the washer and once getting something out of the dishwasher in a hurry.
More importantly, it has worked for my mom who is a serious fall risk-- bad vision and distraction with osteoporosis is an unholy trinity. She had a pendant but I never saw her wear it in the 2 years she had it. It didn't go with her many outfits and she didn't to look old. The Apple Watch works for her because she feels like a cool girl wearing it.
There was a period last spring where she went down 4 times that I know of. I was with her for 2 of them (my birthday dinner she missed a step and landed on a stone floor and once she tripped over DS's shoes in my foyer), once with my niece (tripped over a planter at a restaurant (still not sure how that happened) and once on her own returning library books. I got alerted each time which was reassuring.
HB
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I mentioned putting a note in my wallet, but then I thought, what should it say? Right now, at least, I am with DW all the time except for when I can coax her to go to a day program. I would love to get back on my bike while she's there, but as others have pointed out, I worry if something were to happen to me.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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