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Candor vs Burdening

southerngal41
southerngal41 Member Posts: 6
First Comment
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in Caring for a Parent

My mom is in the moderate stage but seems to be declining a little more rapidly now. I live in a different state so my dad is the primary caretaker and I visit when I can which is monthly. I'm already grieving the loss of who she was and our relationship. I'm worried one day I'll visit and she won't recognize me. I've made a conscious decision to not take the remaining time for granted and try to express my affection more. Should I tell her my worries and why I'm wanting to make our time left special or would that worsen the situation? I'm having a tough time with it right now.

Comments

  • Marta
    Marta Member Posts: 694
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    You can discuss your issues here, but I would spare your Mom.

  • M1
    M1 Member Posts: 6,788
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    Agree, i think it would burden her. This is part of the terrible loss, you can't really share your grief with them. I choke back my tears most days.

  • psg712
    psg712 Member Posts: 384
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    Member

    Agree. Even if you decide to share your thoughts and feelings, you may find that your LO is no longer able to understand or empathize. A reaction of confusion and frustration, or even an apathetic lack of reaction, might be harder for you to handle than keeping your feelings to yourself around her. Spill it to another family member, a trusted friend, or the folks here on this board who DO understand the pain.

  • southerngal41
    southerngal41 Member Posts: 6
    First Comment
    Member
    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/200838#Comment_200838

    Thank you all for the responses! Good point, psg712. I hadn't thought of it from that angle. I live alone, work independently, and my dad won't openly discuss it much. I finally came here and am thankful I did.

  • 2parents/brain change
    2parents/brain change Member Posts: 51
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    Member

    My husband is 'clearing and cleaning out' his Dad's life long business. He put his own life on hold to do this task. Relocated and left his own path in retirement to straighten out Dad's mess. He went to visit Dad last week in MC and was so disappointed Dad had no empathy for him. I reminded him Empathy is beyond Dad's abilities now.

    I just love coming here because it helps me keep my head on straight!


    Thanks ALL!

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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