Pros and cons of home care vs memory care--and misperceptions? For educational purposes

M1 - Thanks for catching that! I actually meant Medicaid, since Medicare, as you say, doesn't cover long term care.

I am struggling with this decision right now. I am getting ready to place DH. He has been having rages and it scares me. My DS, DDIL and both of my sisters have been saying that he needs to be in MC for a while. I can manage to pay for it, at least for some amount of time. The hardest part is that in between the rages and aggression he's mostly quiet. I need to constantly remind myself that he could actually hurt me, damage property or hurt someone else. I also need to remind myself that the progression cannot be stopped. The fear of his reaction and the guilt about placing feel overwhelming, making it hard to move the process along. It's hard not to put myself in his shoes. It's hard to truly believe his "real self" is no longer in there somewhere, no matter what anyone tells me. It's like so many tough choices we have to make in life, it must be guided by careful thought, even though emotions run rampant.

M1 and Mra,

That's scenario describes exactly what happened when my brothers and I tried to place my dad. He originally agreed to a "trial stay" at a MC facility in another city close to my brother. He walked into his room, must have figured out what was up, and bolted into the street and tried to flag down a car so he could call someone. He was upset and aggressive with me. We ended up having to call the police and they took him to the ER in a small town without a psych ward. The ER supposedly gave him some anti anxiety meds and he was transported back to the MC. Again he got upset, pushed a caregiver down and took off. MC said no way is he coming here. We took him back to my brother's house. That night he took off and we were awakened by the police knocking at the door. He left the house while we were sleeping, was roaming the neighborhood, and a neighbor called the police. Fortunately they had our address from the previous encounter. Since he had injured himself and needed further medical attention I took him back to the hospital the next day and tried to figure out what to do. I then told the social worker at the hospital that I did not have a "safe discharge" (thank you Alzheimer's Help line). They agreed to keep him for 3 days of observation with an attendant present 24/7. Over that period I was able to locate a geriatric care doctor and another facility that knew how to deal with and help him. Make sure you get some help and advice.

A long story (and I gave you the abridged version :-) ) but I just wanted to reaffirm what M1 had suggested by providing an actual "nightmare".

The good news is he eventually settled in at the facility that specialized in dementia with behavioral issues and it worked out well enough for him and our family.

Best wishes,

Rick

Thank you.

Very insightful! Thank you for sharing the text to your mom's friend. Lots of good ideas in there. "Trying to stop the losses" is indeed a frustrating and fruitless battle. I'm learning to take today as a point in time - good or bad day, it's not forever and we will enjoy what we can (seeing a bird at the window, sharing a yummy dessert) while we have it.

For my family, placement in MC has allowed us those times together without the 24/7 heavy load and strain on the relationship. Of course, I am still responsible to supervise the care she receives and to be her advocate, always - but placement allows me to be her daughter and not just a care manager.

This thread has been very helpful to me. I also live in Washington state and checked into MC pricing. It is just so expensive that we cannot afford it. What does one do? My LO is a disabled veteran so I have applied to the Veterans Home in Port Orchard, WA but the waiting list is extensive. That is my only financial option when the time comes. Hopefully, I will not need the service yet as it's not affordable.