Trying to convince a parent to move closer to her children

pezman13 · March 17

I have experience with a parent who denies that her memory problems are serious enough for her to need care. My siblings and I are trying to be as patient and supportive as we can; our mom lives with a friend who is aging, and her friend wants her to move out. However, she won't tell my mom that, and mom really doesn't want to go. We have agreed among ourselves that mom can live at my sister's as long as possible, but mom won't move. I'm looking for suggestions about how to help her make the transition.

harshedbuzz · March 18

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

I'm afraid this board isn't as active as the others. I hope you're ready for a disjointed firehose of a post.

Firstly, your mom likely has anosognosia. This is a condition when a PWD is unable to appreciate how impaired they've begun. They may admit to memory issues, but they can't see their losses in cognition, reasoning and executive function that make living alone unsafe.

Does your mom have a diagnosis? If not, she should be evaluated. At the very least, you need to rule out conditions that mimic dementia but can be reversible with treatment.

Does anyone hold a durable or springing POA and Health Care Directive for mom? If not, this will need to be done fairly soon. I'd see an elder care attorney about this-- preferably one in the state in which she will reside going forward. If she won't sign, you may need to obtain guardianship through the courts.

Understanding the Dementia Experience (smashwords.com)

The cardinal rule of dementia fight club is that one never attempts to reason with a PWD-- their reasoner is broken. You're going to need to create a therapeutic fib to get her to where you need her to be for her safety. I would come up with something temporary to get her out of friend's house. Take just enough of her things to look like a short-stay; you'll have the rest shipped to you later.

In your shoes, I would create a story about a visit to see family. If she's reluctant, you might come up with a story that her friend's home is uninhabitable, so she needs to stay with your sister while the sewer line or termites are dealt with. Another strategy that sometimes works with moms is to tell her a child needs help because of an illness or accident.

If all else fails, one member here got dad in the car to go out for breakfast and drive him 1500 miles to her home. She had others with her to assist in wrangling dad as needed.

She may be unhappy at first, but she'll likely settle in in a month or so if you continue to delay her return with vague promises that you will as soon as the work is done. Eventually, she'll forget.

This link is also helpful-

Tam-Cummings-LLC-Handouts.pdf (tala.org)

Good luck.

HB

pezman13 · March 20

Thanks, HB. Your comments are helpful. My sister talked with someone recently about therapeutic fibbing. It could be worth a try.

My mom has been seeing a neurologist for a couple of years. Her diagnosis for a long time was mild cognitive impairment. After a brain scan, he said her brain showed shrinkage "consistent with Alzheimers." Have you heard of cases where this amounts to a diagnosis?

pezman13 · March 20

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/202578#Comment_202578

Can you recommend another board?

harshedbuzz · March 21

@pezman13

Caring for a Parent and/or I Am a Caregiver (general topics) would both be appropriate for you as well. FWIW, not only are there more posts and members viewing, but a number of members were also long-distance before moving a parent.

Who attends appointments with mom? The neurologist may or may not have given a diagnosis reflecting a transition from MCI to Alzheimer's. It's hard to say, if mom did well on screening evaluations like MMSE or MoCA, the doc might not be ready to. It could be mom was diagnosed, but it either wasn't shared with her or she's not sharing.

If she's not sharing, it could be she doesn't believe or agree with it because of anosognosia, has forgotten or it didn't register with her. Dad's neurologist told him he had Alzheimer's and dad looked at him and said "that's the best thing I've heard all day". The man had been given a terminal diagnosis but didn't fully understand the implications.

If there's a patient portal, the diagnosis should be there. If one of you is listed on her HIPAA paperwork, you could contact the doctor otherwise the doctor can't tell you without a POA.

From a care perspective, I would focus on the symptoms and behaviors listed in the Tam Cummings handout to determine where she is in terms of progression. Complicating all this is that many doctors-- both PCP and specialists are loathe to actually give an Alzheimer's diagnosis until significant behaviors are reported. If mom's able to "showtime" at appointments, the doctor may feel she's not as impaired as she is at her worst. The friend who she lives with probably has the best sense of where she is from living with her 24/7.

By stage 3-- which is moderate dementia-- people who live and work with PWD are just starting to be aware of the PWD's challenges. She's probably stage 3 or potentially further along in disease progression if family is in agreement that something is wrong.

HB

eaglemom · March 24

Welcome to the message boards. The advice you've been given is spot on. Something that helped me early on is a manta of: DH doesn't know what DH doesn't know. And I find that still helps me.

Could the friend whom she is living with possibly set the tone? Meaning, the friend says something like - I've so enjoyed us being together, but I need to take a trip and you need to go to one of your kids house. That way the seed has been planted. Now, more than likely your mom will not remember the conversation, but it will have been out there.

This journey isn't smooth sailing, its a bumpy winding journey. Your mom won't be happy, but after some time she'll settle into the new living arrangements.

eagle

Trying to convince a parent to move closer to her children

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