Frustrating vent

Judy.T. · March 25

I am getting tired! Typical morning I get up make coffee and start picking up what DH has "put in a safe place" during the night. He sits on the couch and drinks his coffee as I make him breakfast. Knocks it over so I have to clean the coffee table and the rug. His remark "Isn't that why they call it a coffee table?" than laughs. I want to cry. He can NOT figure out how to use the coffee cup anymore. He closes the spout when I hand it to him then complains it doesn't work. He will literately flip it upside down and watch it pour onto the rug. WTF! I have shampooed the rug 5 times in as many days. I sit him in the kitchen to eat breakfast, I go up to clean & disinfect the bathroom. (Last night he used the sink as a urinal.) I draw him a nice tub, not to hot, not to cold! He likes the tub. This gives me 10 minuets to clean the mess he made in the kitchen. I don't like to eat with him because it is gross. If the food is not soft enough or he decided he doesn't like it, he spits it on the floor. My floor is sticky from what he has tossed, dropped, spit or spilled on it. Quick wash kitchen floor. Go upstairs to find he is out of the tub and has used the shirt & underwear to dry himself. (Because using the towel I left for him would never occur to him). I get him dressed and ready for the day. My turn to get dressed. In that time he has gone and taken off TEN covers to the water bottles. He is obsessed with the water bottle lids, the tiny screw caps. I find them everywhere. I tried to get him to use a reusable water bottle NOPE. I go to sit for 5 minuets and crochet a row while he takes one of his many 5 minuet naps. Only to discover he has put my crochet hook and yarn "some place safe". It is only 11:30 and I am tired.

Marta · March 25

Have you considered getting in-home help or daycare for him so that you can get a break?

Judy.T. · March 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203355#Comment_203355

I do put him in daycare a couple times a month. That is all I can afford. We live off his S.S. & pension. I left work to be with him. I am not old enough to collect.

Quilting brings calm · March 25

I’d stop with the coffee on the couch, and have him drink it at the kitchen table. Does that put him in your way making breakfast? Yes, but I imagine cleaning the kitchen floor is easier than the coffee table and the living room floor.

Also put an old sheet under and around his kitchen chair to catch sone of the mess. It can be shook out outside and then tossed in the washer

Can he fold towels? If so, have him do that while you crotchet.

terei · March 25

Also, I would disappear the water bottles. Tap water is usually just fine for everyone.

Denise1847 · March 25

Hi Judy T,

Wow! That is a lot to deal with all of the time. I don't know how you are doing this, but I don't think it is sustainable. I am so sorry. This disease is a killer of both the patient and caregiver. If there is anyone you can get to give you a break, even if it is once every other week, it would greatly help and give you something to look forward to. Have you looked into the qualifications for Medical Assistance in your state? The regs are all different depending upon the state. A certified legal attorney can guide you and please get a POA if you don't have it now. You will regret it later because it ties your hands to make decisions and actions.

Judy, I get aggravated when my DH sits in front of the TV all day continuously picking his face, humming and complaining there is nothing on TV to watch while I cook, clean etc. You are being tested beyond reasonable. Please know that we hear you and I am sending you a virtual hug.

Nowhere · March 26

I suggest, too, you look into state assistance. You could call your state’s Area for Aging Office and ask if the’d assess your husband’s needs. Share with them his behaviors and that you would like to explore if he qualifies for state assistance. Taking these steps only provides you with information. Spousal community laws will keep you from being impoverished. The care giving your husband requires as described above is non-sustainable for one person 24-7. This disease can causes high stress in caregivers and stress is a killer.

Iris L. · March 26

Adult sippy cup

Can he rake leaves?

Iris

SSHarkey · March 26

I can feel your tension! Really! You need some respite time away from him. Time to rethink these ideas you’re being given. How to change your environment to avoid more trouble. Keep it as simple as possible.

harshedbuzz · March 26

@Judy.T.

This sounds horribly frustrating.

In your shoes, I would do what I could to contain the mess. You're basically in the same stage as the mom of a toddler discovering gravity. Limit foods and beverages to the kitchen exclusively. Alternately, you could offer water only in the living room.

When DS was in this phase, I parked him on a plastic shower curtain for meals. After, I could shake it out and launder it if needed. I had several in rotation.

These sippy cups sound like a good idea, but it also sounds as if your DH has progressed in the disease to a point where he can't learn new ways of doing things. Even simple things like a new travel mug were beyond him.

HB

Judy.T. · March 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/203413#Comment_203413

He can not rake, but he will walk around the yard and collect twigs and sticks. But today we had snow

AnderK · March 26

I have nothing to add, but virtual support. To say that thus is a tough row to hoe is mild. The sorting, folding suggestions are good ones. I thought of another task. If like my guy, has a drawer of socks, take 4 pair out so you have some for actual use, then unpaired the rest. Blacks, browns, sports, and give them to him to sort.

My heart ❤️ shares your frustration. It is good to vent, and this is a safe place to do so.

Kathy

Judy.T. · March 28

He is way beyond that. He,when he is able to put on socks, they don't match. He has 3 pairs of socks he will wear. (He has about 13 pairs of socks, but only 3 he will wear.) DH is in stage 6 and tasks are VERY limited. But thank you for trying. I think I was just having a day that got me down.

DTSbuddy · March 28

Hey Judy T. It sounds like you're hanging in there, and doing the best anyone could!

My DH has variations of this. He cannot anticipate the consequences of his actions. He leaves apple cores and banana peels and crackers around the house, if not monitored. I guide him back to the kitchen and try to get him to sit and eat there. A TV with utube videos of his favorite sports events, or travelogues can keep him in one place temporarily. I've found that scheduled snack times in the kitchen helps. I peel apples and cut into pieces so he is less likely to spit them out. I eliminated coffee, which calmed him down somewhat. Also, a daily walk is essential.

I know that he still likes the house clean. He will pick up pieces of dirt from the rug, but not realize the dirty shoes on his feet are leaving the crud. I try to make him remove shoes the minute we come inside and wear house shoes. But if it takes too long to get the boots off, he will water the bushes, Before I bring in groceries, I need to check whether he needs the toilet and help him get there. I store his boots in a secret locked chest as he likes to dress up in hiking outfits. The tread on them holds rocks that scratch the floors.

He loves to wipe surfaces with whatever is at hand, so I wash a dozen kitchen towels and several pairs of gloves daily. He thinks he's helping, but it just smears, or distributes crumbs or dirt. Giving him rags helps, but I can't always get them to him in time.

Sometimes I sing, substituting words to old tunes, and my singing & dancing makes him laugh, and then we get along better.

Best of luck to you.

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