I’m losing steam

Katcat · May 17

Hi all. Caring for hubby 80 years old. Diagnosed in 2021. Sleeping more , bad eating habits, obsessed with tv remote, doesn’t want to do anything, doesn’t want to shower and shave. Takes days for me to get him to shave. He’s able to do adl’s on his own except needs help taking pants off. I’m scared of what’s coming and try not to think about it. I exercise and get my weeks manicure but I’m mentally exhausted. Can someone please tell me where to find the stages of Alzheimer’s. I am 70 and in second year and f retirement. What golden years! Anyway don’t know what to do about getting him to shave. And losing steam I mean that I feel like I’ve been doing so good. Staying positive, putting on the happy face etc. but I can’t do this anymore.

Ed1937 · May 17

@Katcat, here is a good link. I'd suggest that if it doesn't hurt anything, let it go. This means shaving and many other things. Worrying about the stuff that really doesn't matter will make everything so much harder. And while stages might have it's points, my personal opinion is that many people worry too much about stages. Just take things as they come, and make the best you can of it. https://www.alzinfo.org/understand-alzheimers/clinical-stages-of-alzheimers/

M1 · May 17

Hi katcat,if you look under Groups to the right, there's one for new members that contains a lot of helpful and frequently cited information including a staging tool from Tam Cummings that's pretty useful.

Issues with hygiene, dressing and bathing are very common. I'm lucky to get my partner (in MC for two years) to shower and change clothes once a week. If it's a good week she might brush her teeth too. We're fortunate that she's still continent.

II would guess you're looking at stage 5 from what you're describing. I know it's scary to think ahead, but frankly scarier to not plan and be caught unawares and unprepared. If you read a lot of threads you will learn a lot.

Jeanne C. · May 17

Hi - I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now. Below I've included a link to the new caregivers group where we've been collecting useful information (like the Tam Cummings staging tools).

Regarding showering and shaving, he may be at the point where this is mentally too challenging for him. It took me a while to realize that with my husband. For showers, I'm very lucky that we have a cna come twice a week just to handle this now that he's in hospice. Before that I helped him as best I could. I would get towels, water and supplies ready. Then I would walk him through each step. I always started by asking him if I could help him. If he was resitant, I'd just try again later because it wasn't worth the fight. There are some good rinse free shampoos and washcloths that will do in a pinch (search on Amazon or there's post in the new caregivers group about useful items). Also the book The 36 Hour Day has good information on bathing, toileting, etc.

For shaving, I just let him grow a beard and I take him to the barber every couple of weeks to get it trimmed and neatened up.

Most importantly, you need to keep finding some time for yourself and maybe see if you can get some help. It's easy to feel overwhelmed. I know I was until I found a good home health aide for him. Even with that, the remaining hours are rough, but at least I'm getting a break now.

Link to new caregiver group: https://alzconnected.org/group/32-new-caregiver-help

Katcat · May 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/209471#Comment_209471

thank you so much

SSHarkey · May 18

Kat, I once asked my hairdresser (male) about this very thing, shaving. He advised me to let it go. And I realized what bothered me was how others might judge him(me). Well now, who cares!? We’ve got bigger fish to fry! If anything, it just validates to the outside world that something really is amiss with the man who presents so “normally”.

ButterflyWings · May 18

Here is the Tam Cummings link to various assessment tools. The DBAT is what I use most often. We are now in Stage 7.

DH joined the No Bath or Shower Club several stages ago. Hard to believe it has been years since he had anything but a sponge bath/wipe-down, but it is true. He is clean, no skin breakdown, and lets me cut his hair and sometimes shave him. So he is not always clean shaven, but presentable. The adult wipes, no-rinse foam or other cleaner, lotion/creams and zinc (diaper) ointment are super helpful once he became incontinent. We have in-home hospice so luckily those hygiene supplies are covered by his insurance and delivered to us weekly. Just don't let your LO eat the butt-cream (been there, done that. It didn't make him too sick thank goodness but we had lots of clean up and laundry for a couple of days!) This is an example of dementia-life humor, which is also a survival tool. And this forum is a priceless lifeline.

I agree with Ed and the other members who are saying "Don't sweat the small stuff". Most of it is small stuff, though it doesn't always feel like it, we know. And take care of YOU!. Get a break however you can. Maybe call the Alz Hotline and ask to speak with a Care Counselor - they can be really helpful identifying agencies or programs in your local area to provide various support for caregivers, including respite coverage. The toll free number is at the bottom of the page, and here: 24/7 Helpline at 800.272.3900

https://www.tamcummings.com/tools

Katcat · May 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/209506#Comment_209506

you’re right. If we go out to dinner that’s where my problem is. I want him to look nice and not disheveled. But I have to say when we do go out he will shave. I have to stop the day to day shaving and let it go. Thank you.

Katcat · May 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/209525#Comment_209525

thanks very much for your reply. Yup I have to let this stuff go. I guess I’m lucky he is still able to go out to dinner though it takes alot of persuading him. That’s mostly when I’d like him to shave and actually he does if he knows we are going out. Thank you again.

I’m losing steam

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories