Tone Deaf Invitation

I can hear your hurt but hope it will subside. I agree the easiest thing would have been for them to just "forget" to invite either of you. That would truly be othering or detaching from you all and dementia. I actually see this a little differently, in that it is really considerate of your DH and his condition in a way. Knowing the behavior may be embarrassing and disruptive,

I'd think it more disrespectful for someone to invite my DH anyway, which is tone deaf and inconsiderate in my view, of what it takes for me to get him ready, presentable, and then try to throw something on myself. I'm tired before I even get started. And then to know that it would put him and any deficits on display.

I actually opened your thread thinking from the title that was the "tone deaf part". That you were being asked to show up as if everything was fine when it is not, and would be too taxing and likely not a good "look", experience or outcome for your DH, for you as a caregiver vs a guest enjoying a celebration with friends. I can understand your sadness, but I hope you will not continue to feel offended. Had they tiptoed around and left the impression it was up to you to decide, that would not be fair (or honest) as I agree the guest of honor on this special birthday — it is supposed to be all about them - not worrying that noise or personalities, or the menu etc. might upset your LO and redirect the entire evening for everyone, through no fault of his own leaving bad feelings when everyone should have known better. I hope that does not sound harsh.

Letting you know that you are wanted there is a beautiful thing I think. So many couples just get dropped. I have been asked to do many things since COVID restrictions were lifted, with no realization that it would put unimaginable pressure on me to get him there and not have every moment be dictated by his needs. Not enjoyable at all. It sounds like they realize that and yet did not want to lose the opportunity for you to come and enjoy the festivities free from worries and caregiving duties for the evening. I hope you feel better about this as time goes on. I also have many, many people who invite just me, as they know the activities are not appropriate for DH (most are not as noise, too many people, facilities, etc. are not conducive to Stage 6 and 7 for us anyway). Hugs to you.

An 80th birthday is a big deal, and perhaps they sense that having your DH at the dinner party could turn it into a circus or at minimum take the attention off the purpose of the celebration. I can see not wanting to introduce that situation into a party I was planning, nor would I have wanted to take my loved one with Alz to such a dinner - stressful for everyone in a formal setting like that. However perhaps they could have had a conversation with you instead of a poorly worded note to make sure there weren't hard feelings or miscommunications, and make time for you and your DH when it isn't a party. Unfortunately it seems a majority of friends fall away for one reason or another and many caregivers are isolated from even the best intentioned friends.

@Buggytoo said: " Jsps139 got it right that it could have been said with more sensitivity. I think the invitation took on added significance because it is the first time anyone has "othered" us due to my husband's Alzheimer's disease. I am sure more of that will come in the future. More loss, more disappointment, and more isolation."

I admire your willingness to be open to different interpretations of this situation despite the obvious pain you are feeling.

I wonder how your friends could have approached this without causing hurt feelings. What would that look like to you?

I also wonder if this is the first time you have been "othered" as a couple. Perhaps this is the first time it's come to your attention. I have a son with high functioning autism (college educated and quite capable IRL); trust me when I say I have felt the pain of disinclusion on many occasions, especially when he was younger. We have a group of friends who do NYE dinner each year. As my one friend's children have become adults, they've been included as well as their spouses and even a 9-year-old when a sitter bailed— but nobody has ever suggested I include my now 30-year-old son. I can't say it doesn't sting especially as he's a non-drinker and my designated driver, but he generally has a party so no biggie.

HB