Tone Deaf Invitation

Buggytoo

A couple with whom DH and I have been close friends for 40 plus years just invited ME to a small dinner party celebrating the wife's 80th birthday. The invitation spelled out that I should get one of my children to watch my DH and just come by myself. I am miffed and maybe even insulted by this request. Has this happened to any of you? Is there another way for me to look at this to lessen my sense of my husband being dismissed/discarded by this invite?

jfkoc

Look carefully at the wording before feeling miffed. My grandmother alwaysw said do not take offense unless you know offense waas intended.

Caro_Lynne

I'm not social so I would not go. That's just me though🤨

harshedbuzz

@buggytoo

Before I'd condemn them, I need to know more. Is your husband still in an earlier stage where he would enjoy a party? Have you socialized with this couple recently with your DH successfully?

Perhaps they feel you deserve a night out away from caregiving? Or maybe they invited you as a way of signaling their intention to include you in socializing going forward now and in stage 8. Often, less good friends drop a couple completely when a PWD starts to become harder to interact with and ignore the widow after the funeral.

HB

Quilting brings calm

@Buggytoo i checked out a couple of your posts and comments on other people’s posts. You mention your spouses explosive behavior, agitation, delusions and that he is on stage 6. You mention you have thought about placing him due to these behaviors being too much for you. Is it possible that these behaviors are too much for your 80 year old friend? They’ve given some thought to the invitation and tried to include you. They could have just not invited you.

I’d accept the fact that they either want you to have a night reprieve from caregiving or they are admitting that they no longer feel up to entertaining your spouse at a dinner party. I’d also admit to myself that your spouse may no longer be able to attend events where people expect a certain behavior from guests.

Whyzit2

Oh Buggytoo, my heart goes out to you. I am sorry this invitation is so hurtful but it does make one wonder why. It also affords the opportunity for you to realistically examine your DH’s behaviors or needs that may cause offense. As caregivers we become accustomed to behaviors that others may not find acceptable. This celebration is about your dear friend…:.not about your DH and special accommodations he may need.

Go to the party and appreciate that you are being included in this intimate event.
I make this suggestion because I realize there are situations where my DH no longer can contribute to the success of the occasion. It is difficult to accept but necessary as this awful disease progresses. (((Best wishes)))

jsps139_

I understand how hurt you are by this. They could have been a bit more subtle and said … Maybe one of your children could stay with your DH if you think the party would be a bit overwhelming for him, and we would love to see you and spend some time with you.
My DH now takes his bottom teeth out in the middle of dinner and lays them on the table. That would be quite uncomfortable for me and everyone else at a party. Heck, it’s uncomfortable for me eating alone with him. They are just so unpredictable.
Take a day to be miffed and then let it go. Their friendship and your peace of mind are more important than giving it more thought than a day. But, sometimes we need that day to be miffed!
I hope you accept the invitation and go alone and enjoy the whole evening. It might be good for you to get out!

Buggytoo

Thank you all for the helpful input. I definitely need to reframe this in my mind so that I don't feel like my husband is being left out. Yes, it would be uncomfortable for him and for me to try to do a small dinner party with this group. Maybe my friends know that better than I do. Jsps139 got it right that it could have been said with more sensitivity. I think the invitation took on added significance because it is the first time anyone has "othered" us due to my husband's Alzheimer's disease. I am sure more of that will come in the future. More loss, more disappointment, and more isolation.

M1

If you go, perhaps an opportunity will present itself to address the change. Or maybe not, the event is about her birthday after all and is not supposed to be about you. But what unfolds may give you some feeling for what this friendship will be like going forward. I guess if i were you i would be hoping for some kind of sympathetic acknowledgement that it's a change for you to be there by yourself. Whether or not you get it will be information for the future.

I'm very aware of social isolation, even our closest friends who have continued to visit my partner in MC are having a hard time now as she progresses more. I rarely see or talk to them any more, and we never see each other outside of the context of her dementia/memory care. Another loss, but i don't have the energy to do anything about it.

Buggytoo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/209676#Comment_209676

I do wonder if I could even enjoy myself at this gathering at this point. I'm not very good at faking it. I am so sorry about the isolation that accompanies this disease and grows more intense with each stage. And I totally understand the no energy to do anything about it. The effort to do something about it seems insurmountable.

ronda b

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/209616#Comment_209616

I agree with a couple of the post. They probably think you need a break. If he was with you ,you would be watching him all night and not relaxing and enjoying your self.

ButterflyWings

I can hear your hurt but hope it will subside. I agree the easiest thing would have been for them to just "forget" to invite either of you. That would truly be othering or detaching from you all and dementia. I actually see this a little differently, in that it is really considerate of your DH and his condition in a way. Knowing the behavior may be embarrassing and disruptive,

I'd think it more disrespectful for someone to invite my DH anyway, which is tone deaf and inconsiderate in my view, of what it takes for me to get him ready, presentable, and then try to throw something on myself. I'm tired before I even get started. And then to know that it would put him and any deficits on display.

I actually opened your thread thinking from the title that was the "tone deaf part". That you were being asked to show up as if everything was fine when it is not, and would be too taxing and likely not a good "look", experience or outcome for your DH, for you as a caregiver vs a guest enjoying a celebration with friends. I can understand your sadness, but I hope you will not continue to feel offended. Had they tiptoed around and left the impression it was up to you to decide, that would not be fair (or honest) as I agree the guest of honor on this special birthday — it is supposed to be all about them - not worrying that noise or personalities, or the menu etc. might upset your LO and redirect the entire evening for everyone, through no fault of his own leaving bad feelings when everyone should have known better. I hope that does not sound harsh.

Letting you know that you are wanted there is a beautiful thing I think. So many couples just get dropped. I have been asked to do many things since COVID restrictions were lifted, with no realization that it would put unimaginable pressure on me to get him there and not have every moment be dictated by his needs. Not enjoyable at all. It sounds like they realize that and yet did not want to lose the opportunity for you to come and enjoy the festivities free from worries and caregiving duties for the evening. I hope you feel better about this as time goes on. I also have many, many people who invite just me, as they know the activities are not appropriate for DH (most are not as noise, too many people, facilities, etc. are not conducive to Stage 6 and 7 for us anyway). Hugs to you.

Buggytoo

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I have learned something more about myself from the replies I have received and am incorporating the wisdom of the responses into my thoughts. It may be me who is still clinging to the idea that things are close to normal when the truth is they are so far from it.

MN Chickadee

An 80th birthday is a big deal, and perhaps they sense that having your DH at the dinner party could turn it into a circus or at minimum take the attention off the purpose of the celebration. I can see not wanting to introduce that situation into a party I was planning, nor would I have wanted to take my loved one with Alz to such a dinner - stressful for everyone in a formal setting like that. However perhaps they could have had a conversation with you instead of a poorly worded note to make sure there weren't hard feelings or miscommunications, and make time for you and your DH when it isn't a party. Unfortunately it seems a majority of friends fall away for one reason or another and many caregivers are isolated from even the best intentioned friends.

Buggytoo

Thank you for your thoughts. I do find we fit in less and less with our friends as we go through this Alzheimer's journey. It is as if we are living in parallel universes.

harshedbuzz

@Buggytoo said: " Jsps139 got it right that it could have been said with more sensitivity. I think the invitation took on added significance because it is the first time anyone has "othered" us due to my husband's Alzheimer's disease. I am sure more of that will come in the future. More loss, more disappointment, and more isolation."

I admire your willingness to be open to different interpretations of this situation despite the obvious pain you are feeling.

I wonder how your friends could have approached this without causing hurt feelings. What would that look like to you?

I also wonder if this is the first time you have been "othered" as a couple. Perhaps this is the first time it's come to your attention. I have a son with high functioning autism (college educated and quite capable IRL); trust me when I say I have felt the pain of disinclusion on many occasions, especially when he was younger. We have a group of friends who do NYE dinner each year. As my one friend's children have become adults, they've been included as well as their spouses and even a 9-year-old when a sitter bailed— but nobody has ever suggested I include my now 30-year-old son. I can't say it doesn't sting especially as he's a non-drinker and my designated driver, but he generally has a party so no biggie.

HB

Buggytoo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/210610#Comment_210610

Hmm. . . Yes, I have been trying to think about how the invitation could have been done with more sensitivity. How about "We know it has become so difficult for you to socialize in groups these days given your caregiving responsibilities. Would you be able to set down those duties for an evening and join us to celebrate. . . ". Truth is, we are just not the sort of couple anyone wants at their 80th anymore! This is something I have to accept along with so many other difficulties Alzheimer's kicks up. I'm sorry you already know the pain of being "othered" through your son's autism diagnosis. I hope I haven't inadvertently done that to people in my life.

Buggytoo

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/210590#Comment_210590

Thank you for your kind response. I really like the idea of "island of time." I need many of those!

Kibbee

I had the opposite problem…family and friends wanted me to bring DH to their events, and I knew it was not a good idea. I had to explain to them that group social gatherings had become difficult for DH. He simply could not keep up with conversations that were fast paced and had overlapping voices. The nuances of humor often were lost on him as well. He felt out of place and I could tell he was no longer enjoying himself, and was more comfortable at home watching television. Also, in all honesty, it was no longer enjoyable for me to have DH with me in social settings. I was always on edge, watching him, hoping he wouldn’t say or do something rude or inappropriate. I’ve been fortunate to have a couple wonderful caregivers, so I have one of them stay with DH when I have a social event to attend. I can relax and enjoy attending events without worries, knowing DH is safe in good hands and is happy at home in his familiar and comfortable environment. I believe we are both happier this way.