I'm so tired.

great_granddaughter · May 24

My great grandma recently moved in with me. I knew there would be an adjustment period, but months later the behavior is only getting worse. She doesn't ever sleep a full night and is just never happy. She is 94 and acts like the biggest diva. Almost like the entire would should be ready to serve her and nothing is ever fast enough, hot enough, cold enough, or just enough at all. We had another rough night last night of mean words and her not wanting to be here because I made the ceiling fan string to short for her to pull on. (Back story. At her last house she pulled them so often and hard she pulled it out of the ceiling! And I was not aware when I lowered her string here, so she spent 3 hours straight being told to stop pulling on the fan. So now she is very upset I took the string away. Again, had I known her past history with ceiling fans, I wouldn't have ever gave her the access to it.) I am dreading today because she will either sleep all day, which leaves me with the unpredictable schedule of when she will wake up yelling things like "where is everyone" and slamming her walker around...or...she will be up all day and being mean. I'm already trapped in this house and I wish we had some kind of routine that she would stick to so I could get my free time outside or away from her constant negative attitude. 🙃
I also, was the grandchild who always traveled. I lived alone, with my own house. I have no kids. It's a real gut punch to work hard and build a life to have a loved one come in and belittle and destroy everything without a single ounce of appreciation, even if it isn't their fault.

JDancer · May 24

Caring for PWD is terribly difficult. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Why did she move in with you? Do you have other family members? I think you need to make a new plan.

ButterflyWings · May 24

@great_granddaughter Hugs to you! Like JDancer said, this is a very tough road. Has she been diagnosed with one or more dementias? If so, the things you are wanting her to do are not possible, due to the disease.

Click HERE to access some great info, helpful ideas for new members, that one of our forum mates created. You will find answers to some of your questions and also tools to help deal with someone who doesn't know they are ill and can't be left alone or left in charge of anything (even their own finances, cooking, hygiene, etc.) The nastiness can come with the territory, and many of us help get medications for our LOs so they are not miserable and making us miserable in the process.

With dementia, behavior is communication. FYI, DH is very late stage Alz now and much more compliant, but I had to put DH's meds in his food and beverages for years as he was not cooperating with taking it sometimes. Sounds like your LO might resist, too. We use fiblets and workarounds to manage their disease. As you have discovered, the direct approach does not work. With dementia it never will. So we adapt our approach.

If you can share a little more about her situation, like what JDancer asked, the members will be better able to assist. We all get it. I'm sorry you are in this leaky boat with the rest of us. It is my DH and I am in it for the duration. If I had a great-granddaughter, I would not want her to be the one shouldering this burden. IJS

H1235 · May 24

My mom has been very angry with me and my brother. She has lived with him for 1 1/2 years. I dreaded my visits because she was always so mad. Sometimes she would barely speak with me. We recently started her on a new medication and moved her to AL. She is her old self again. I suspect it’s the new medication and maybe a bit of independence of having her own space. We can finally just be her kids and don’t have to be the bad guys taking all her independence away. I would encourage you to ask her doctor about medication that can help. It can’t be pleasant for her to feel that way all the time either. If there is anyway she can do AL, maybe it’s time. You could enjoy being a granddaughter rather than the caregiver she is always angry with. Even if you don’t think she can afford it I would still check into it. You never know. I Believe there is an assumption that in home care with family is always the best option. I don’t believe that is always the case. Some pwd respond better to none family members when asked to comply with things like showering etc. When people think of caregiving they might think preparing meals, help dressing etc., which is difficult, but the stress and anxiety of having someone constantly angry with you has to be a whole different level of difficult. There is no shame in deciding it’s just too much.

great_granddaughter · May 24

@ButterflyWings @JDancer

It's a long story, and I'll share it. I just needed somewhere to vent. I even feel guilty saying what I did but I just had to say it. So, she lived with my grandma for well over a decade if I can remember correctly. Her other two kids live in different states. My grandma passed away in February unexpectedly, which is why my great grandma lives with me. I offered my extra room, and my house was perfect due to everything she needs being on the same floor. (No stairs to use the bathroom or get to the kitchen). She doesn't have a diagnosis, and when we asked the family doctor he didn't really say much other than explaining how the older we get it takes a toll on the brain. I don't think she has ever been tested. My family is helpful, but some back story again on this...my mom and aunt were taking shifts and doing all of the work after their mom passed. My aunt used all of her fmla as she is now the POA in this situation. They went back to work (full time) and give me breaks here in there. This was their first mothers day and first birthday without their mother, so I knew we would gave a week or two of everyone just wanting to grieve their loss. I have no answers for why the state or county take 90 days to get paperwork moving so assistance can come in, but finally we have meetings with social workers.

Since Great Grams sold her house and depending on family for care, she has never wanted to leave the house. She shows signs of high anxiety and is on medications. Other than that, she's 94 and her most recently blood work shows she's healthier than most everyone around her (haha). I did read a book about this, it was a wonderful book that actually directed me to this site. This morning I finally said ahhhhh, I'm just going to say it online to people that I'm tired today! I do know most of the time it isn't her fault. I remind us all that when she's in her down moods. She absolutely loves fidget spinners so I do think that's why she likes the fans so much. The vibration and noise, except again, I have to be sure she is safe. She just has these rough nights every now and again, and for someone who doesn't have kids to over night having a grown adult with a child's mind most of the time, it was just a difficult transition. Oddly enough, I'm normally the positive Paula, I just hit my nerve this morning with little sleep.

Side note, she shows signs of having this. There are tons of things I have documented to show that she has to have something going on. I didn't just come on here with a perfectly sound minded LO who had a bad night. Just to clarify.

H1235 · May 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/210362#Comment_210362

I totally understand just needing to vent. This is a great place for that. No judgement.

great_granddaughter · May 24

@Chug

Thank you. I think just the slow process of waiting for the paperwork and all these agencies to come in, plus us all being tired and at our breaking points with trying to figure out what is going on is where I am. Some venting and deep breaths and we will get past this hump. My great grams has always been very adamant about not going to a home (which was where she was going if it wasn't here). It's hard to hear them ask those questions after a tough loss and not atleast offer to try it out. They did also give her medication at the doctors. They have her on her normal anxiety medication and added an antidepressant to try and help with her moods. She just sometimes doesn't sleep all night and that's when this cycle starts. We are expressing our concerns with the doctor about the medication and the mood swings. The thing is, there is where I'm struggling when I read others stories. She hatesssss having independence. She's the total opposite. She could be so mad at me for reminding her walking is good and she needs to be able to get up and move about, especially for her own things. Even when she is so mad at me, if I go do yard work she comes out looking for me. If I go to the store she asks whoever is here with her to call me because she wants to know.when I'm back. It's all anxious signs even if she thinks I'm the bad guy sometimes. She just isn't allowed to blow up fans, which I can now laugh at. I was beating myself up this.morning for being angry and tired. But i know she's taken care of in a clean and healthy environment with probably one of her most empathetic family members and this whole fuss is over a fan string (but really over lack of sleep). It just felt kind of good to tell people who truly understand and appreciate this kind of situation.

I'm so tired.

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