10 Absolutes in Dementia Care

ButterflyWings · May 24

Shared by another member here - Thanks Chug!

Here is one you can download or print:

10 Absolutes in Dementia Care.png

White Crane · May 24

Thank you, Butterfly Wings. These are all good reminders.

Jeanne C. · May 24

Added to new caregivers group: https://alzconnected.org/group/32-new-caregiver-help

michiganpat · May 24

Thank you so much for the link to print or download. This is priceless.

trottingalong · May 24

A very good reminder. Thank you

pachana · June 1

How about for those of us having to care who can't do those things? If we were social workers, we would chosen that career.

ButterflyWings · June 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211221#Comment_211221

Before experiencing this life I may have said, "can't, or won't?" — or maybe "well it comes with the territory and you must do those things, or should not be a caregiver".

Now, I definitely do believe that some cannot. And I totally understand that. This is extremely tough, stressful and beyond, for the carer and not everyone wants to nor should be in this role. I am not sure of the details for "having" to care, but hope that you and others who feel this way can find an alternative situation and caregiver for the PWD in question.

Dementia only goes one way as we know. It gets harder and so does the road for the caregiver. Without being able to do the things listed on the chart, and more, it is unfair to both the PWD and the caregiver. At least the latter has a choice in most cases. You can choose not to serve in the role. But for anyone who stays, I really hope they will practice and try hard to embrace the approach above. For your sake and especially our PWD LOs.

Stan2 · June 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211221#Comment_211221

I certainly understand what you are saying. I have always been a very impatient person. I was never good at taking care of others, I expected more cooperation from them. I would argue at the drop of a hat and defend my position at all costs.

I am learning. I am learning patience, I understand DW's forgetfulness is not her fault. I understand she is doing the best that she can. I have learned that she wants to take care of herself, she doesn't want to burden me and she hates her condition more than I do. I have learned that I gain nothing by winning an argument, being "right" brings me no satisfaction. I have learned that if I can keep her calm, peaceful and happy she functions so much better. I have learned that when she is at her best we are both happier.

Do I find it hard to do? Of course. Being vigilant 24 hours a day is tiring. Do I feel sorry for myself? Yes, at times I do.

We are fairly early in this journey and I hope I can endure, but I think I can. I think I am actually becoming a better person. I think I am becoming the person she always believed me to be.

Karen E. · June 13

Dear Pachana,

After four yeats of this March (it is not a journey) I fail at every one of these rules at least once a day. The biggest thing, I believe, is that a caregiver must give her/himself the forgiveness to do the best you can and the grace to know you will not always succeed. All of these are wise precepts, but they can be a strangle hold. What I have learned is necessary in caregiving is first, a sense of humor; second a willingness to try, fail, and forgive yourself over and over again, and third, the ability to put your needs ahead of the person with dementia. No one can make the rules for your situation but you. Because no one else is living what you are going through. God bless.

Kate

ElaineD · June 17

I am 82 and now I know all my character traits which make following the 10 Absolutes so hard for me.

I have always wanted the 'truth', accuracy in everything. I fail with my HWD constantly because he 'seems' so with it most of the time.

When he makes a statement that isn't true/accurate, every fiber of my being wants to 'help him" by explaining what actually happened. His arguing makes me crazy, and I now realize that I just have to 'let go of truth/accuracy' and agree with him, or ignore the issue.

He won't remember the next time, anyway. So there's no point in pushing him to understand my version of events. His version of everything is his…..and if he tells other people about events in a garbled way, I have to 'let it go'. But the Absolutes go against every fiber of my being, so I have to work on this constantly. It also makes me overwhelmingly sad that my brilliant research scientist is gone now.

Elaine

ccb23 · September 19

Thank you for this. It will be a very helpful reminder for me.

WIGO23 · September 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/213000#Comment_213000

I too share your personality traits. I am a proponent (as was my DH) of precise language, facts, efficiency, realistic expectations and this is how I hold my own life together. ALZ caregiving is challenging every fiber of my being. I want my DH grounded in facts, communicating with precise language being efficient, having realistic expectations. This incredibly talented and smart man I married no longer is like this. It breaks my heart every day and it literally is destroying the foundation of our daily lives.

Will we adjust? Do we have any choice? Time will tell.

Stan2 · September 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/213000#Comment_213000

It is hard, and I know we all make mistakes. I know i do. I am beginning to learn that life is better for both of us if I let the unimportant statements rest. When i first attended an in person group the group leader said "don't be a right fighter". That has been the most important piece of information i have learned.

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