Help with how to have the driving discussion . . .

And unfortunately, the driving issue is one that "keeps on giving". Even though my DH had been told by two doctors to give up driving, he managed to get an appointment and try to go to the DMV for testing. My DS had to literally turn away two rideshare service cars that he had called. Just a word to say that you may have to address this issue more than once.

Finally had to tell my dh if he has a wreck while driving we could get sued and lose everything.

This came after he became lost( he has 360 on his phone) and it took an hour to get him home. I would tell him to turn lt and he would turn rt.. would ask him to pull over so I could get him ,refused. He did a u turn on a very busy road. As of now he isn't driving and keys are put up. I don't know if I should take the care key off his key ring or not.

Welcome to the forum J50. This is such a hot button topic and the repetitive nature of it seems to never go away. I don’t think there is anything to do except not respond and keep your keys locked away. My partner was looking for her truck on Sunday-she has been in memory care for two years and conflict/threats of violence over driving is what put her there. Another frequent poster says her dad was talking about driving and wanting his keys til the day he died, literally.

after my DH was tested, the Neuro Psychologist said that under no circumstances should he be driving. She said once it's in his medical records and he were to be involved in an accident, whether it was his fault or not, we could be sued and lose everything. That he could run in the back of someone or run over someone and kill them. It was a gut punch for me. I had no idea. She said he had visuospatial difficulties and couldn't determine speed, distance, time, etc. It then hit me that he had been driving very slowly for awhile. The next day I sat my DH down and told him what the doctor said. That it wasn't safe for him to drive. He was upset but the next day he brought me his keys and never drove again. It broke my heart the look on his face but it had to be done. Fib if you must but get those keys or disable the vehicle.

I'm going through this now with my husband, who has moderate Alzheimer’s. I will not go in a car with hime after he passed two cars on a double yellow in the rain and I was facing a car coming head on. This is not the first poor decision he has made driving. I brought it up with his Nuerologist, and she is going to bring it up at our next visit and refer him. There will be a cognitive test and possibly a driving test. He will pass the driving test, it's not about his skills; it's about his decision making skills. Hopefully, the cognitive test will be enough to stop him. I doubt he will listen either way.

Addy, first let me commend you for putting your foot down on not riding with him given the circumstances (he can be violent). That is a huge first step, and very hard to do as well as being dangerous.

OK, your question highlights one of the reasons I believe most of the published professional guidance on this issue falls short. As our forum mates are saying, this is a very serious urgent matter and even the Alz Assoc recommendations are to discuss, enlist others, have the PWD sign a contract, etc. Yeah, Right.

In many situations including yours and mine, confronting them even gently can be the worst possible approach — causing dangerous implications and still not stopping the driving. My DH was never violent but refused to listen to either me or his Dr and was ready to fire them (and seriously would easily have divorced me over this if I had pressed the issue).

So, I realized immediately that I had no choice but to do what I am recommending to you. DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL. You are about to go into stealth mode, as if your life depended on it because it sounds like it could. In my case, I needed to keep DH's trust and cooperation especially in those early days, to get legal and financial matters, POA etc in my hands. Challenging him in any way would have backfired and even enlisting some family members was not helpful as they kept throwing me under the bus. "She said…yada yada". So unless you know for sure you can trust a friend or family member to keep your secret plans then do not tell them either.

Job One: Disappear any weapons or anything in your home that can be weaponized. Keep your phone, a charger, keys and ID on you at all times (I even slept with my purse under my pillow for years until he forgot there was such a thing as a car.) Had he ever gotten rough with me or threatened me with physical harm I would have left immediately.

Job Two: Disappear his keys (including extra sets), batteries from the garage door remote, disable the vehicle, park it out of sight if you need it for your own transport.

Job Three: You will need a Dr's help for meds most likely. Is there a diagnosis already? Do you have allies?

I never took an acting class in my life, but can now pretend with the best of them though the days of sabotaging his escape routes, undoing expensive actions (where possible), etc. is behind us. And Alz taught me it is not dishonest to fib (or outright bald-faced lie), or learn quickly to bring your best alter ego to this task when it comes to getting things done and keeping a PWD calm (and in the dark on things they don't need to know which is most things once brain disease shows up). If I did it, you can too.

Dementia demands a lot and this is one of the biggest hurdles. We urge people to put on their grown up pants as they say and just do it. Whatever needs to be done. And I will say again having lived with a violent person in a former life - you are doing things from now on- SECRETLY. This is not disloyal or wrong, it is wise and necessary. For you, him, and others to not be harmed due to inaction by the only one with an intact brain. Unfortunately, that is our lot. As DH's neuro team told me, "you are in charge now".

Your LO is not the same person you married anymore so reasoning with them is no longer going to work and our vows said nothing about dementia which is a total game changer. In this case, he can't be behind the wheel anymore. And it sounds like he cannot know that you are the one behind the change. My DH never knew. I helped him look for the keys, and the car, tried to fix the garage door and remote, hooked up the jumper cables while he tried to restart the car that mysteriously wouldn't start (and no I did not really hook up the cables - faked it after leaving the lights on so the battery died - did that a few times), volunteered to run point with the mechanic, tow company, police, etc. and acted really baffled and disappointed when these things took so long. Before distracting him which meds helped allow.

Some of those "helping him fix the car" conversations happened, others did not, but after many dead batteries, broken garage doors, lost keys and key fobs, and eventually a missing car (totally innocent look on my face throughout), I finally got rid of the car and he can't drive my push button one thank goodness.

BE SAFE. I am so sorry you and others are going through this. I remember it was weeks of stress and fear for me, without even thinking he might intentionally hurt me for keeping him and others safe from a dangerous driver. Stealth mode. Hugs and encouragement.

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