Help! I am exhausted and depressed

spernstein · August 1

I just feel I can't do it anymore. I cook, clean, pay bills, manage rental property that my HWA refuses to sell. He believes I conspire with the renters against him. I am just so beaten down. My HWA wanted me to pick up apples that fell from the apple tree in the backyard. I said I was too tired. I have been working all day. He is stage 5 to 6 alzheimers. He sermonizes me all the time about how he doesn't have authority over anything and I am so controlling. Believes he can still drive and when I tell him dr said he can no longer drive....been about 3 years of no driving....says he never heard dr say that and I am making it up. He can't do anything financial, can't make his food, can't converse in a manner that makes much sense. can't use his phone or TV remote etc etc..we also have a son who is schizoaffective who lives upstairs. He sermonizes our son about how he's not trying to get better. Our son is on disability due to mental health. He is crushed when his dad talks crap and sermonizes him. Very deflating. So to avoid my HWAs rant I am in the backyard picking up apples and crying. I want to run away! I feel stuck in such a terrible spot! I don't know how to put boundaries up around me. I need help!

Laurie1282 · August 1

I am so sorry you are going through this, spernstein. I can feel the frustration and despair in your post. Luckily my husband with Alzheimer's who is also late stage 5 is pleasant. Plus, he can barely speak so even if he was aggressive, he wouldn't be able to express himself.

I would highly suggest that you get some additional help or find an adult daycare so you can have some respite. Could you get someone to come to your house to stay with him for a couple of afternoons a week? Do you have children or other family members who could help? Church friends? Memory care facility?

One important thing I learned is that you have to get a thick skin. Only you at this point knows what is best for you and your husband. Stick to your guns. When I finally realized that I could no longer reason with my husband, it freed me up to start making decisions on my own. If you are frightened of him, call the police. You are important!!

spernstein · August 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217744#Comment_217744

Thank you Laurie. Your advice is good advice. Thick skinned. I'll work on it!

M1 · August 1

Welcome to the forum, maybe this is your first step to getting that help. Deep breath.

First of all, your DH should not have any say about whether you sell property or not. or in any financial dealings, for that matter. Do you hold durable power of attorney for him? If so, then the decision is strictly yours and you don't even discuss it with him. If not, you need to talk to a certified elder law attorney right away about getting it or suing for guardianship.

Second, it sounds like you need hands on help caring for him, be it in home help, a day program, or considering memory care. An attorney can also help there in terms of figuring out what you can afford, and whether you need to get him qualified for Medicaid. Look at nelf.org for a list of qualified attorneys by location.

Call the 24 hour help line-1-800-272-3900 and ask to speak to a care consultant. They can help you think it through.

Crkddy · August 1

spernstein, I am so sorry you are going through this with your husband. Take a breath and think about your options for getting help. There are likely resources in your local community that can provide guidance. You must try to find ways to create time for yourself. You are important and you must take care of yourself. Definitely try to find some way to get help caring for him. Laurie1282 has provided excellent suggestions. It has been such a relief to me to have a private caregiver CNA come to our home 3 days a week. Don't give up. These are very hard times but you will survive this.

Rosanne77 · August 1

Spernstein,

I am going through so many things you are. I finally got in home care a few times a week, it has really helped my state of mind. Just those few hours of knowing someone is taking care of him. And actually, DH enjoys having a different person here to interact with. Because he has their 'full" attention. Night time is still very difficult in our house because of sundowning, incontinence and high anxiety. So finding a place to cry is something I can relate to, also. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. This forum has been so helpful to me. My daughter and I will be exploring memory care facilities next week. To have a plan B. I might also suggest, if you don't have a personal counselor, it is well worth finding one. It has been a real source of peace and calm for me. The person I see has so much knowledge and ideas of things to try and resources..sometimes I never stop talking/crying for the whole hour. She suggested I find a group like this, actually. I pray you can get a break, away from it all, to recharge.

spernstein · August 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217756#Comment_217756

Thank you for your understanding and good suggestions. I pray it gets easier for both of us.

spernstein · August 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217747#Comment_217747

Thank you for the excellent suggestions. Dr said if I give her power of medical paperwork she will complete capacity paperwork. I need to do this. Thank you for giving me courage to keep going in the right direction. Bless you.

M1 · August 2

good first step, yes but you need financial power of attorney too. Extremely important. You are in charge now, not him. That's a lot to get used to especially if he was a dominant personality.

SDianeL · August 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70111/help-i-am-exhausted-and-depressed

if you haven’t done so, please read the book “The 36 Hour Day” it really helped me after my husbands diagnosis. Have your son read it too. It will help him. Tips: don’t ask, tell or consult him about anything. It won’t work. Don’t take his sermonizing personally. It’s because he’s losing control and anxious. It’s called chattering. Just mumble uh huh and change the subject or offer a treat. You cannot reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Get a Durable Power of Attorney so you can sign documents and handle financial affairs legally. We all understand how you feel. It’s heartbreaking. So sorry you are going through this. Get help caring for him so you get a break and talk to a counselor, preferably one familiar with Alzheimer’s.

spernstein · August 2

Thank you. Very good suggestions. Bless you

Denise1847 · August 2

Dear Spernstein,

I am so sorry. This is a terrible disease that will take the caregiver down before he/she can realize it. You must be strong and recognize that you have more control over the situation than you perceive. Get the emotional/mental support you need (we all need and get it) and follow the suggestions these wise people give you. You are not alone. Reach out and pray to God for wisdom, peace and to get you through this. Every day, I don't think I can take it anymore, but I realize that at some point this will end. It is not knowing how and when that can keep you unsettled.

RayeMc · August 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217795#Comment_217795

I agree that not knowing the how or when adds so much more stress to an already stressful life. If we just had a timeline so we could see the light at the end of the tunnel and know that it actually exists. Sometimes I am positive I will be the first to go but need to remain to care for my handicapped son because my DH is way beyond caring for him.

Denise1847 · August 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217844#Comment_217844

Dear RayeMc, I am with you on the feelings of whether I will be the first one to go. Attached is a document regarding stages and gives some estimate on time frames. I hope it helps.

Alz stages.pdf

Lkrielow99 · August 3

Spernstein,

I am somewhat where you are. Definitely exhausted and depressed. I know we both are in the right place, these members are so experienced and full of love and support. Their advice is spot on. I can only add that remember this will progress and each day will not look the same. Mine is currently having bad panic attacks over such tiny things. I’m heading to doctor next for meds. I wish and pray for your peace, courage and strength. I’m thinking of you today hoping you receive and act on the wisdom received. Much love to you.

RayeMc · August 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217867#Comment_217867

Thank you. I have read about the stages, etc. but I suppose I need something definitely for me ….. which, of course, is not possible. We've been on this journey 10 - 11 years now and I believe we have several more to go. I cope better when I only take it a day at a time but sometimes it is difficult not to look ahead.

Denise1847 · August 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217915#Comment_217915

Yes, it works best for me to take one day at a time. If I let myself think about anything for the future, I just get down and say "What is the point? You could be gone before him." I really have lost hope that things will ever be better for me. It just keeps getting worse. When I think about putting him in memory care, I just cringe at what that would be like so I kick the can down the road.

Help! I am exhausted and depressed

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