How big are your fiblets?

dancsfo · August 12

I realize this depends greatly on how much a PWD's reasoner is broken, but I think a fiblet is characterized in two ways:

How big the topic is. i.e. saying that a dead person is alive (but moved far away) is big. The car (was sold off) is broken & awaiting parts is a medium sized topic (can be big in the mind of a PWD who wants to drive).
How plausible the lie is. For example, "replacement parts are on back order" (very plausible). "A ghost or fairy must have taken this item" (far fetched, but who knows if it'll work). Something in the middle like "removing oven knobs is a new fire department regulation for seniors" is in this middle ground where a PWD can push back with anger, but it's within the realm of possibility. Toilet seats compliant with ADA are indeed higher than old ones, so when I said "all new toilets are higher like that by rules" was truthful, and redirected the issue and eventually the complaints stopped.

I sometimes use a slew of fiblets and keep changing it until it works or agitation stops. Sometimes a PWD catches on and gets very agitated.

Do you also try a slew of fiblets, or mostly stick with one story?

harshedbuzz · August 12

The short answer?

Any fiblet I ever used was just big enough to get the job done. Simpler is better and more easily remembered. Deflecting to authority/circumstances (like the ADA-mandated toilet height) allows you to be an ally and validate feelings.

The only fiblet that ever evolved for us was whether my late sister was alive. When he could still recall her illness and the question was phrased "She's dead, isn't she" I would confirm, validate the sadness of it and share a happier memory of her with him. Later, when he'd completely forgotten she's died over 20 years ago, I'd suggest that she was "really busy with 2 kittle kids and a full-time job and that maybe she'll come visit on the weekend".

HB

dancsfo · August 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/218993#Comment_218993

Thanks. "Just enough" seems to be a reasonable strategy. Nobody's going to get bent out of shape if it's too strange to even contemplate. And as you said, it does depend on the stage. Incidentally, fiblets aren't always remembered, so I just repeat them. Sometimes it sticks, but it's hard to predict.

You made a good point with empathy and being an ally. It does acknowledge some of their confusion or complaints.

M1 · August 12

my biggest fiblets regard whether she’ll ever come home to live with me. I say yes because it gives her comfort, all the while telling myself that she’ll be in an urn when that happens. Will we be together? Yes, in a spiritual sense.

easy23 · August 12

My biggest fiblet is "that's diet coke in my coffee mug!" 😇

SusanB-dil · August 12

I like the 'just enough' post. But I would say most of our fiblets are that we go with what she says, and responding with 'Oh, is that right?!' or 'Wow, that's something!'

There is still one little diner we go to, because she is familiar with it. She will tell us she used to go there sometimes after work with co-workers. This was not possible, because it was not built until well after she retired. We just smile and mention how nice that must have been. So, yes, I suppose that kind of qualifies as a fiblet of sorts.

Another we used was when we put the 'school/office' type cover over the thermostat and told her it was for insurance purposes.

ButterflyWings · August 13

@easy23 lolol! 🤣

@dancsfo I remember reading that a harmful lie is used to manipulate someone for unfair advantage, whereas a fiblet is without malice, and intended to provide comfort or a safe distraction.

Funny, but the biggest tales I ever told DH were absolutely true but unbelievable just a few months prior. It was during Covid 19 lockdown, remember? “No, all the stores & restaurants are closed”. “We’re not allowed to go outside, no one is”. “There is no taxi, bus, plane”. “You aren’t late, work is cancelled for the whole world until further notice!”. “Not sure how long we have to stay inside”. “They will let us know”. “Who will? Not sure who, but they will”, “You have to wear a mask into the bank & it’s by appointment only”. At one point DH told me “that’s crazy!” He was so right. But it kept him from wandering off to the non-existent meeting at his job that was no more. I would never have been able to think up excuses & fiblets like that in a million years, nor could I have imagined him eventually shrugging and going along with all of the things we couldn’t do, or had to do differently all of a sudden.

So, my perspective on truth and fiction has changed since dementia (and a pandemic) landed in our lives.

Do no harm is my goal, so telling “the truth” is sometimes the wrong move in my view.

I believe what I learned here: the best answer for our PWD LOs is the one that gives the most comfort.

H1235 · August 13

I’m getting my moms house ready for an estate sale. She does not know and would be very angry if she found out. Yesterday I spent the day working at her house and then stopped by to see her before my hour drive home. On my way to AL I am trying to come up for a fib about why I am in town. Then I suddenly realize I just tell her I’m in town to visit her. Keeping this secret and trying so hard to avoid saying anything that will upset her has me so stressed and paranoid I can’t even think straight. I hate the fibs and her anger if I don’t get it right. But I know the truth would be even more difficult.

forbarbara · August 13

Just last week I met a new resident at MIL’s MC. He explained that he was only there for a few weeks while his wife gets hip surgery. It was pretty obviously a fiblet but he was very earnest and eager to explain it to me. It was heartwarming to see him take so much comfort in that fiblet.

Rosanne77 · August 13

My brother told me a short while ago that I need to stop being so honest. My DH wanted to go to an antique store every day, earnestly. A hobby we always both enjoyed doing together. But maybe once a month, if that. Our taste in collectibles could get pricey and sometimes it was fun to just window shop. I was at my wits end with agitation building from my husband because he felt he was at my mercy to get to these places places and i was always trying to control him.It was then that i took my brother's advice. I "called" the shop to inquire on their hours and was told they had cut back for the summer to just one Sunday a month. Problem solved. He totally relaxed about it. That was at the end of June. I'll be honest, it was hard for me to do...But it saved a lot stress for us both.

housefinch · August 13

I know this is a different situation. I have a child with an intellectual disability. She tells me different things she wants to be when she grows up—-a teacher, a nurse, a veterinarian, etc. She will never live independently and hold that type of job. But I tell her she will be a wonderful (teacher, etc)! To do otherwise would be cruel. I know with a parent it’s very different, but maybe for someone this will help. It makes her so happy 💕

Emily 123 · August 14

I try to fib in a way that goes along with what would seem reasonable to my mom. I agree that keeping it simple is best. She has dementia, but she's still with it enough to weigh what she's being told. So for instance, she would have carefully vetted any place she was going to move to (pre-disease). So that's what I told her when I'd found a facility for her - that she'd done a tour of the facility and liked it, and then we'd look at the website and she'd end up being pleased with her decision.

How big are your fiblets?

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